One day early in the semester, I was walking to the uni library after buying some lunch. On the way I took passing notice of this one guy running a stall. I recognised him, he works in Student Connect, and I followed him on Instagram because I liked his photography. He's kinda cute, I thought. Very cute, in fact - but surely just another guy I'd never be able to have. I entertained some thoughts of having a chat with him, the stall would be the logical 'icebreaker' topic. I sweeped the thought from my mind. After all, he is surely just another guy I'll never be able to have. I was unbothered, and just went on with my day.
Fast forward a bit. I nervously tapped the Grindr icon for the upteenth time that day. Znnng - a vibration. Was it the guy I'd been trying my damndest to make conversation with? I tapped the messages icon. Emboldened was another "hey", this one without a face. Disappointed, I rolled my eyes. In grey, beside the handsome picture of the guy I was trying to talk to, was the start of another pointless sentence I wrote. There was a green orb on the picture. Ignored, again. I wasn't even surprised.
I tapped on the mask icon, absentmindedly. What would I even find? Oodles of unwanted and unsatisfying interactions have worn down my patience and interest. Dick pics. Ugly guys desperate for a chance. Men old enough to be my father. Faceless people that didn't get the memo on my profile. Guys that bore me to tears. Pictures of ugly dicks that I didn't ask for. Worst of all are the attractive and interesting guys that just ****ing ignore me time and time again...
Down partway was a face I recognised. It was the guy from the stall! Who knew he was into men and (presumably) single? "*censored*", his name. I sent a message: a slightly more enthusiastic "hey, how are you?" than usual. I closed the app. When I returned a few minutes later, there was no response, and his picture had disappeared from the front page. He'd ignored and possibly just blocked me. Honestly, I wasn't even that upset. After all, he's just another guy that doesn't ****ing want me.
Apparently Grindr is like a drug, because a few days later, I opened the app again, with bags under my glassy eyes and a heavy heart in my chest. In my list of messages was the usual line of degenerates looking to use me and lose me. What did I even expect. I tapped the mask icon. Then, a vibration. I tapped the messages tab. The first picture was of the guy I'd messaged last. Beside was a 'hey there'. Hey, it's that guy... maybe he does want to talk, I thought.
And would you know it, we had a conversation. A good one, too; funny, kinda heartfelt, and, best of all, genuine. Refreshing. I didn't even really pay mind to the fact that there was no flirting whatsoever, unless you count him terming something I said '****ing insightful'. We spoke some more through the next couple of days, even matched on Tinder. I don't really know what it meant, as in, I wasn't entirely sure if he was attracted to me, but for the time being I was happy to be... friends..? We connected quite well and share some interests, but with differences where they perhaps matter most. I asked him if he'd like to hang out in person sometime. He agreed, and accepted my friend request on Facebook.
I wasn't really that enthusiastic, though. I guess I still had low expectations. Just another guy who won't want me. Besides, he wasn't intoxicatingly handsome in his pictures like I remembered him being that day at uni. And 31 years old may just be a little old for me, a 20 year old in the middle of their degree.
Fast forward to last Saturday. That day he was involved in an art exhibition being held by the uni. He asked if I wanted to hang out that day. Generally, I don't really like spontaneity when it involves social interaction. I declined, saying that I would be happy to meet but with at least a day or two in advance. That was cool, he mentioned he'd get off of work at 4:30 on Monday and we could get coffee or something. I hate deciding where to go for a first, erm, 'date', so I told him I figured he'd have better judgement and let him pick the place.
I was vaguely excited, but mostly nervous. I did what I do best and overthought about the numerous things that could go oh so terribly wrong. Quickly, the day arrived, and after a weird moment at the pharmacy where I swear the hot security guard was staring at me and following me around, I drove to the place, arriving at 5pm sharp. I nervously awaited his arrival. He was a little late, but at least he texted me about it...
Somebody walked in the door, quickly turning his gaze onto me. I looked over, and had to do a bit of a double take as he took a seat in front of me.
WOW. I remembered pretty much instantly why I took notice that day at uni. He is ****ing gorgeous. In some weird way, I was relieved, but nervous for a-whole-'nother reason. I sucked in my nervous energy, forced myself to make good eye contact, contorted my face into something normal, and made every effort to make myself seem like a nice, interesting person without seeming too quiet or coming across as dishonest. Essentially, we chatted over milkshakes, lol (which he paid for...). Once again, there was zero flirting...
I think it was a success, though. He has an understanding of what is wrong with me psychologically (though not so deep as to realize the fact that I belong in a psych ward), so there is always the possibility he simply didn't want to make me uncomfortable.
Pretty much the moment I got in my car and drove away, I started missing him. And that got worse, quickly, and brutally. Within hours I realized that I was extremely infatuated. I had and still have an intense desire to be with him 24/7. I hadn't felt a connection like this since the one with my professor last year (who I still love, btw, I'll probably never get over that). His personality was intoxicating, a natural fit with mine. ENTP <--link(him) x INTJ <---link (me) could hardly be a better fit. Not to mention he is absurdly beautiful. I was so glad I bothered making myself look nice that day. I knew him forever in a minute.
I had a pretty poor sleep that night. You can guess why. Dreams of romantic adventures and gentle, genuine love spritzed my brain in colourful storm of glitter and spectacle and caressed my aching heart in a fluffy, warm cloud.
Last night, I couldn't have been more certain. I texted him when I knew he'd likely be asleep, asking if I could tell him something. I prayed to the deity I don't believe in that I'd awaken to at least a response. And I did, this morning. So, with shaky fingers and a heart heavy with restraint, I came out with it. I told him that I'd always found him attractive, but meeting the other day solidified the crush that I now have. I had to eek my fingers away from the screen to stop myself from telling myself that I'm madly in love with him and want to be with him forever.
With that little confession, I turned off my phone's wifi, and got ready for the lecture I had this morning.
When I worked up the nerve to check the response I found when I turned wifi back on, I don't know what I expected.
But it wasn't a lonesome emoji. Alas, that's what I got. This one: ��
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It torments me. �� I still don't know what to make of it. It suggests interest, but it's pensive, unsure, ambiguous. ��
Or perhaps he simply wanted to spare my feelings. But it hasn't worked. I'm dead inside. After all, he's just another guy that doesn't want me.
Barely caring anymore, I pushed the boundary a little after making some small talk. I told him I miss his company. His response? "Haha, aw"
Tonight, his family is over, seeing his house for the first time. Apparently they're over for the rest of the week. Right now I'm sitting on a 'seen' message where I simply try to make interesting conversation about something relevant to both our lives at the moment. Maybe this is why. But really, I'm almost certain that if I don't message, but that's probably anxiety talking... The fact that I even know the circumstances is a great sign, I think...