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post #1001 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-16-2018, 09:31 PM
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post #1002 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-16-2018, 10:46 PM
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Go figure, after the trouble I went to to join, after being rejected in the sub for forever alone people, and then in the sub for 30+ forever alone people, they don't like/want me in the private sub for forever alone women, either. I guess this was the true test of things, that the guys here were right, I'm an anomaly, I'm not a "real" woman, I don't belong anywhere, especially not among other unwanted people.

I'm a trash human being. I've never made any difference. I've never done one good or useful thing in this world, especially not as a so-called "woman." All I've done is bother people. I used to think, if I tried to be good, even if nobody ever loved me (and I'm resigned to this now, no one ever will love me), maybe still, someday, some goodness would come back to me. Only s*** comes back to me. That must mean I'm nothing but s***.

I'm no longer surprised. Only crushed. I'm filling up with hate now (why not?--love does me no good, I'm never going to experience that) to realize I wasted 42 years tormenting myself, crying myself to sleep alone, trying to achieve something impossible, to fit in, to be wanted by somebody, somewhere. And I can't even complain about my loneliness/pain without people hating me even more.

People really shouldn't exist if they have no place in the world or in anyone's heart. If all they are is trash.

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

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(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)

Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."

(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

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post #1003 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-16-2018, 11:44 PM
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Originally Posted by tehuti88 View Post
 
Go figure, after the trouble I went to to join, after being rejected in the sub for forever alone people, and then in the sub for 30+ forever alone people, they don't like/want me in the private sub for forever alone women, either. I guess this was the true test of things, that the guys here were right, I'm an anomaly, I'm not a "real" woman, I don't belong anywhere, especially not among other unwanted people.

I'm a trash human being. I've never made any difference. I've never done one good or useful thing in this world, especially not as a so-called "woman." All I've done is bother people. I used to think, if I tried to be good, even if nobody ever loved me (and I'm resigned to this now, no one ever will love me), maybe still, someday, some goodness would come back to me. Only s*** comes back to me. That must mean I'm nothing but s***.

I'm no longer surprised. Only crushed. I'm filling up with hate now (why not?--love does me no good, I'm never going to experience that) to realize I wasted 42 years tormenting myself, crying myself to sleep alone, trying to achieve something impossible, to fit in, to be wanted by somebody, somewhere. And I can't even complain about my loneliness/pain without people hating me even more.

People really shouldn't exist if they have no place in the world or in anyone's heart. If all they are is trash.

That's awful Tehuti - you're not trash at all. It's just that you're looking in the wrong places. (no offence) Those people are just arseholes - you shouldn't be wasting your time with them. They're obviously not even worth talking to.

PS. I can understand why you would try though - it's much the same as why we all come on here, because we're lonely.
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post #1004 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-16-2018, 11:50 PM
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@tehuti88

Nah, you are are a cool person.

Done lots of things (writing, etc), had lots of adventures (your road trips in post's, Mackinac? island as another ēxample).

Not alone with the crying when feel alone, as I cry sometimes too.

Like now I'm sitting in the dark alone, typing this post. I'm upset thät you feel the way you do and not sure what I can do.
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post #1005 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 10:04 AM
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I didn't think I'd feel this way, ever...but I'm starting to identify with others (here and who has passed) that are struggling with the daily emotional pain they are finding it increasingly difficult to endure.

There is the subtle transition from being able to come up with rational ways of solving problems and accepting alternative solutions to feeling like it's all a lost cause...and the only thing that's left is to figure out how to best manage the chronic pain to accepting more extreme solutions, as irrational as they may seem.

My heart is heavy for any of us who are reaching these depths of despair without a specific solution or relief in sight.

May we all continue to find the strength to soldier on.
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post #1006 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 10:24 AM
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I didn't think I'd feel this way, ever...but I'm starting to identify with others (here and who has passed) that are struggling with the daily emotional pain they are finding it increasingly difficult to endure.

There is the subtle transition from being able to come up with rational ways of solving problems and accepting alternative solutions to feeling like it's all a lost cause...and the only thing that's left is to figure out how to best manage the chronic pain to accepting more extreme solutions, as irrational as they may seem.

My heart is heavy for any of us who are reaching these depths of despair without a specific solution or relief in sight.

May we all continue to find the strength to soldier on.
I definitely hear that. A few days ago I really felt to have been in the dumps and seeing how others would catch on with it while having fear (because they don't understand) makes it all the more isolating. "Take a pill" and "you have to think more positively" can only do so much. If I am to be honest - going by the first advice in some ways made it worse long-term, not better. I wouldn't know too much about the second advice, otherwise I would follow through with it. Some days the thoughts of 'how' I would go become impulsive. I don't take pleasure in having a chemical imbalance that sometimes takes away the most basic motives that others would deem you to be 'slow' (though more explicit term). I am aware of it. It's so easy to be on the other side and view a depressed person as lazy and insane. Being on the other end is not that different, only it brings further shame which enhances the behavior, in my opinion.

Sorry that I'm not really adding anything to lighten the situation. Just saying the outer surface of how it seems to be because it's a recent (present) reality.
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post #1007 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 10:27 AM
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@Overdrive

Drifting with similar hp to my car -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNN7N9mim1U

Gives you an idea how fun it is.

That's impressive mate !.


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post #1008 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 10:31 AM
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I definitely hear that. A few days ago I really felt to have been in the dumps and seeing how others would catch on with it while having fear (because they don't understand) makes it all the more isolating. "Take a pill" and "you have to think more positively" can only do so much. If I am to be honest - going by the first advice in some ways made it worse long-term, not better. I wouldn't know too much about the second advice, otherwise I would follow through with it. Some days the thoughts of 'how' I would go become impulsive. I don't take pleasure in having a chemical imbalance that sometimes takes away the most basic motives that others would deem you to be 'slow' (though more explicit term). I am aware of it. It's so easy to be on the other side and view a depressed person as lazy and insane. Being on the other end is not that different, only it brings further shame which enhances the behavior, in my opinion.

Sorry that I'm not really adding anything to lighten the situation. Just saying the outer surface of how it seems to be because it's a recent (present) reality.
Knowing, but really knowing that we aren't alone is enough to lighten the situation as there aren't many good or permanent ways of resolving it. There's only so much you can rationally come up with. I hate to think that misery loving company is a truthful axiom, it's unfortunate that there are others who have to share in this.

I've come up with ways of managing my SA so that it doesn't completely get in my way...but I'm now having to seek out other ways to manage this period in my life as well.

Thanks for listening and contributing.
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post #1009 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 05:09 PM
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post #1010 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 05:16 PM
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Saw a 7/11 brand pregnancy test for sale at a turnpike rest stop today. I mean who? Why? What????
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post #1011 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 05:21 PM
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That's impressive mate !.


That car has been bashed (scratched) a few times, so has taken some practice to get there.
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post #1012 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 05:58 PM
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Standing in my old bedroom at my mom's house. I'm trying not to cry. So many bad memories here.

"Really, my message is simple.
It’s a message of compassion.
In this world that is spinning madly out of control,
we have to realize that we’re all related.
We have to try to live harmoniously."
– Woody Harrelson
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post #1013 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 06:06 PM
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Standing in my old bedroom at my mom's house. I'm trying not to cry. So many bad memories here.
I'm sorry to hear that.

It is the light she longs to find,
When she delights in learning more.
Her world is learning; it defines
The destiny she’s reaching for

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post #1014 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 06:09 PM
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Some people just wing it and somehow get where they are going.

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Saw a 7/11 brand pregnancy test for sale at a turnpike rest stop today. I mean who? Why? What????
Sounds like every guy for a thousand miles thinks he is Elvis Presley (Congo movie, but monkeys instead of guy).

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Standing in my old bedroom at my mom's house. I'm trying not to cry. So many bad memories here.
Awwww.
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post #1015 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 08:33 PM
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I wonder how people are able to summon enough courage to video record themselve.

I was trying to record myself by reading out a little poem I had made but I couldn't do it. I was too soft spoken. My voice was also low. It wasn't even my "normal voice." The whole attempt stunk for me. I'm just not the type of person who is vocal or talkative. I mean I am but not when I'm put on the spot like some sort of tv interview or broadcasting. I'm more of a communicator through writing. My personality is seen in my writing but when I tried to speak on camera I'm like this shy closed up less expressive low tone person.


Anyway I may try record only my voice and not my whole self. Maybe this will help. But if my results are still the same then I'm just not cut out for video recording.

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post #1016 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 09:07 PM
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Sydney has been copping some heavy rain and few storms lately. I've never met someone as excited by this weather as much as myself. It's just so calming and comforting..

So come rain on my parade
'Cause I want to feel it
Come shove me over the edge
'Cause my head is in overdrive
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post #1017 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 09:13 PM
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Sydney has been copping some heavy rain and few storms lately. I've never met someone as excited by this weather as much as myself. It's just so calming and comforting..


I got to walk in the rain today, it was kind of heavy and I stopped by the pond just soaking it in.
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post #1018 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 09:19 PM
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I got to walk in the rain today, it was kind of heavy and I stopped by the pond just soaking it in.
Where was my invite huh?!

So come rain on my parade
'Cause I want to feel it
Come shove me over the edge
'Cause my head is in overdrive
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post #1019 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 09:25 PM
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Where was my invite huh?!


Sorry! Next time then.
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post #1020 of 17953 (permalink) Old 10-17-2018, 09:33 PM
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*Glass breaks*
"For the love of god, please don't pick it up with your-"

*He's picking it up with his hands*
"..."

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Isn't it a bit early to worry about that at 7 years old?
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Originally Posted by Chevy396 View Post
I don't believe you at all about the taste. You are vegan anyway, so how would you know what meat tastes like. I get sick of vegans saying it tastes the same and then you bite into it and it's horrible.
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