New to sas and could use some encouragement please
Hello everyone i hope you all are copping well today, ive been lurking on the forum for about two years now and decided it was time to register as I've just had it with the feelings i have due to my life long battle with anxiety.
A little bit about me to start, im 37 years old and have four children all with my wife of 14 years, we have a twelve year old daughter an almost 3 year old son who was born 3 months early and had a rough start to life (hes doing very well now) and then we had surprise twin daughters who are 7 months old now. I love my kids and my wife, they are my everything. When our first daughter was born we had one vehicle and lived in the boonies so i did the stay at home dad thing for several years while working intermittently here and there, i struggle mightily to hold down employment due to my sas and ocd, ive never been diagnosed but i have an oppointment with a new doctor on the 25th of this month and plan to request a therapy recommendation, my sister is 40 years old and has autism, i suspect i also have it as we are two peas in a pod so to speak. Currently ive been doing the stay at home gig since my son was born almost three years ago and prior to that i was somehow able to hold down a gig as a short order cook (very stressful) for 2 years, it probably helped that my father also worked there and that gave me some level of comfort, however when my son was born and had his rough start i quit that job and burned my bridge too be by his side 24/7. Now that he is good i really want to return to some sort of functioning life where i can help provide financial stability for my family, about two months ago i worked up the courage to go and get a job at a dunkin donuts and i only lasted 6 shifts before the panic attacks crept in and i immediately quit that job........ my wife is not at all dissapointed in me and is very understanding even though she doesnt totally get it because, well she doesn't have my issues in life, im lucky enough that she happens to have a good enough paying job that she can support all of us (barely) and we arent going under or w.o necessities. For me i allways feel like a loser who doesnt provide financialy though, she tells me that she doesnt need me to work and doesnt force it on me, i do all the forcing upon myself... ive now been hired last night to start a new gig as a cook again and am supposed to start tonight and yesterday i was all happy about it but the closer it gets to 5:00 when im scheduled to work my lousy 5 hour shift that a normal person could do with they eyes closed, the more anxiety im having and now i want to quit before i even start! I just dont know what to do anymore, i feel like im rambling and not making any sense too.. being around people again after years of solitude and just being w my family is soo tough... should i quit before i start and just chalk it up as another huge failure? Im also dealing with alot of b.s. from my sick and mentally abusive mother right now which is really not helping matters.
Any advice is greatly appreciated and thanks for listening.