My Sad Sad Life Story. Hows Yours? (WARNING! Itís LONG Thread) - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 08:04 AM Thread Starter
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My Sad Sad Life Story. Hows Yours? (WARNING! Itís LONG Thread)


I like to listen someones story. From their childhood until how they live their life right now. Somehow you could make or change decision in your life from other peoples story. So this is my sad sad life story.
My family is neither rich nor poor. But my parents will try to give or buy anything that I ask for. They never gave me chores or household responsibilities. Soo yes Im a spoiled brat. They never told me life lesson or anything like that but I know for sure that they love me. I have one older brother but he is away a lot so we never really close. As a family we never have discussion or any fun time trip (My dad dont really like travel).
I born as a shy and quiet girl. There is some experiences in primary school that makes my low self esteem problem getting worse. And at beginning of my middle school I started to realize how very lame I am. I dont have many friends. I feel like other kids didnt really care with my existence. I never really good with talking around my friends or in front of class. All those things made me hate school. I never told my problem to my parents because I dont want make them feel sad about me. I never trust anyone with my problem too.
After some time passing and with my experience I set my mind that build friendship with others is not important (however I still have some few close friends). Because they never really care about me so why would I care about them. And Iíll be fine living alone by myself. My social anxiety and the thought of people are source of disappointment also makes me more love to isolate myself in home just watching TV or sleep. Also i never have crush or a will to have love relationship with boys. At this moment I started to become kind of religious. I feel only God that truly loves me, dont care how lame or unpopular am I God will keep loves and take care of me. Thats actually what keep me strong enough to go to school.
In high school all I care is academy or how to get a good grade. Somehow I become more lazy to pray and slowly I started to be less religious. And then came time to choose college major. When I was teenage I always love design, art or drawing. But I feel like I never really good at it. So I ended choose Statistic because many reason include money and my lack of social ability (I thought Statistic only work with numbers and data and less social activity). And again in college I only care about academic and never got into any student organization.
Now I am 22 years old. One and half year after graduation. I still have no job, I actually never really try to get a job. I realize I made mistake by only focusing on my academic and didnt do other things beside that. My social anxiety getting worse and worse (not sure how this happened). I regret my college decision because I feel its not my passion. I rarely go outside my house. Im scared to put myself into world. I never hang out with friends. Some of my close friends try to contact me but I keep hiding and isolate myself. Its not like I dont miss them but I know when I met them we will talk about job or how our lifes going and I literally have no life except my anxiety and depression. And I never want to share my problem or my social phobia with anyone cause I dont want to look weak and it kind of embarassing. My mom see something wrong with me and take me to psychologyst. But that was not really helpful.
I regret everything now. I hate for letting myself being spoiled by my parents. I hate for letting myself getting away from God. I hate that I am weak and not strong enough to face my anxiety. I am clueless with my own life. I lost interest at everything. I used to like watch movies or read articles on internet, now I more often sleep because I dont want to feel anything. Im even too scared to try find and reach my passion because somehow I feel Im gonna make wrong decision again. I wish I have some friends who understand my problem without I have to telling them (I know thats impossible). I never thought about having boyfriend or marriage before but now I wish I could have someone that love and help me through my life. I wish I have someone to take care of so I wont feel lonely and useless anymore. Night before sleep is like nightmare because thats when things become so quiet and I really feel the cold and loneliness. I always cry when I think about my future because I cant think of anything, I feel I have no future. I will never do suicide, but I often think how nice would be if my life just over. Idk why but now all I wish is hope I could start again my life in new place with new people. I really want to change my life but I dont know how and where to start. If Im in Inside Out movie I might be have no emotions but sadness now.
I hope this thread could make some of you who read and have same problem as me (introvert SUPERB ACUTE/ thinking I will forever alone because i like being alone) realize that even however you love being alone or you dont care about having friends or relationship RIGHT NOW, time will change, you will change. You one day will realize you cant live life by yourself and you might will wish to at least have one human being (no, not cat) you could live your life together with. So lets try build some friendship from now on even though i know its very very hard (for those introvert SA people including me).
Thank you to whoever you are who willing to read my terrible ****ty messy boring very long post (Sorry if its a mess, english is not my native and Im terrible at telling story). I hope I could listen to your story and experience or maybe you have some advice for me that would be nice. Thank you, wish you all happy life x
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 10:20 AM
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This has opened up my eyes a bit. I think I need to put more effort into what I'm doing with my life. Thank you for sharing your story.

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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 10:09 PM
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Yeah hi, thanks for sharing your story. I hope more people post their stories. Sorry about my name, I know you mentioned you love God. :P I understand and respect your point of view. Also, I love the Inside Out reference. It's my favorite movie.

Well, I always always shy even when I was a child. I loved only two things, drawing, and animals. I wanted to be a veterinarian my whole life. Even though I was shy, I was still "normal". I won an essay contest in school and spoke in front of hundreds of people. I played an instrument and performed to a concert audience many, many times. I played softball, and I was horrible at it -- but I freakin' loved it so I didn't even care. I was on the school's newspaper team. Life was pretty rad, but in early middle school, I got more shy. Girls started to make fun of me. I lost my friends to "popular" girls and all that kiddie BS. And I won't go into detail but these two kids publicly humiliated me in front of the whole school.

School got really rough. I was bullied every day and became extremely depressed and I was scared to go to school every day. I don't know what I ever did to anyone but everyone thought I was just weird. I cried and begged my parents not to take me all the time. I stopped going outside by myself, only to go to school. I quit every single thing I did (band, softball, karate, etc.) My grades suffered immensely as well. My mom let me skip school like, 35 times a year. In high school, I almost stayed back twice, but I had proof of having a mental illness (SAD). Luckily I would have 1-2 friends at a time, all of whom were amazing people. They got me through everything.

I stopped wanting to be a veterinarian. I wanted to be a writer, and then I wanted to be an artist. Throughout the years, I always stayed faithful to drawing and despite my bad rep, I was well known for being an artist. After I graduated (skipped the ceremony though), I took a year off to just work. I got my first job and made a lot of money (worked full time) but my job was horrible for SA and I suffered every day. Not working was not an option for me, my parents put the foot down when I was 18 on that. So then, I took one class at a time at community college and I changed my job to something that still sucked but I enjoyed way more. When I tried to start going to CC full time as an art major, I went there... and I was late. I could NOT walk inside of the room out of pure fear of everyone seeing me walk in late, so I didn't go to that class. Next class... I got a severe panic attack, went home, and dropped out of all my classes. I just couldn't do it. I thought SA had 100% taken over and I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I just went home and slept for days out of pure depression.

My life turned around when I started going to a psychiatrist and taking antidepressants. I bought my first car and went back to school full time. I got an entirely new job that I enjoyed better than the last one (and now I quit that and I'm in an even BETTER job). I started making friends in school and caught up with old acquaintances who became friends. And now I'm still an art major full time and I'm getting a great deal of extracurricular things accomplished. I feel more confident then ever. I still stay on this site because I always liked having a single community to chat in, and despite losing 70% of my anxiety, I understand and resonate with a lot of people here because I have once (and sometimes still) deal with social anxiety. That's all!
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 04:19 AM Thread Starter
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Hi nice to hear that. I hope my story could give you a bit idea with what would you do with your life. I think effort is definitely one of major key to achieve success or happy life. But in which part of your life you put your effort into is also important. Since I feel all effort I did back then leads to nothing now. Maybe try to find out what your passion, things that makes you happy, set some goals and put effort to achieve it would be good idea. Good luck and thank you for reading my story x
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 04:22 AM Thread Starter
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@Atheism . Hi thank you for reading and sharing yours. And please dont apologize for your name . I won't hate anyone who have different beliefs from mine. I respect your point of view too.


Yep I got more shy too in early mid school and dont know how should behave around other kids (I call that Middle School Life Crisis lol).
Im sorry you have to live your school life with bullying. Thats nightmare for every kids. I hope all school more aware and pay attention of bullying and teach their students how to respect others. Not only care how their students could get good grade.
You seems like bright kid before those bullying started. Do you think your SA is builded and started after you got bullied?
I went to psychiatrist once and it didnt really workout. Maybe because the whole session I was crying and dont know how to tell my problem lol. I hope i could got job in design or art too. I want to take design course but my SA and idea of talk to new people is just so scary.



So happy to hear how you live your life right now. Getting confidence is like best gift ever for SA people. Im sure you work hard until finally you get your confidence. So congratulation and thank you for sharing your stories. I think your story could give some hope to SA people, know they could getting better and eventually have happy life even with their anxiety.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 07:17 PM
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@Atheism . Hi thank you for reading and sharing yours. And please dont apologize for your name . I won't hate anyone who have different beliefs from mine. I respect your point of view too.


Yep I got more shy too in early mid school and dont know how should behave around other kids (I call that Middle School Life Crisis lol).
Im sorry you have to live your school life with bullying. Thats nightmare for every kids. I hope all school more aware and pay attention of bullying and teach their students how to respect others. Not only care how their students could get good grade.
You seems like bright kid before those bullying started. Do you think your SA is builded and started after you got bullied?
I went to psychiatrist once and it didnt really workout. Maybe because the whole session I was crying and dont know how to tell my problem lol. I hope i could got job in design or art too. I want to take design course but my SA and idea of talk to new people is just so scary.



So happy to hear how you live your life right now. Getting confidence is like best gift ever for SA people. Im sure you work hard until finally you get your confidence. So congratulation and thank you for sharing your stories. I think your story could give some hope to SA people, know they could getting better and eventually have happy life even with their anxiety.
Yeah my SA absolutely started after the bullying. Then when I think about it, I was always very shy. Sometimes when I was in first grade I was too scared to tell the teacher I finished my assignment first, so that I didn't have to be the first person to stand up, so I pretended until a few others finished their assignment. Then I was always more scared to start school on the first day than the other kids. I cried every day usually the first week of school when I was little.

I encourage you to take a design course! I know it's hard with SA. Even like I said, I dropped out my first attempt because I couldn't even get through the first class. But I never experienced any bullying in college. Everyone is really nice in my classes. Sorry to hear the psychiatrist didn't work out. Maybe you should try again. The second time you try maybe won't be as scary. It helped me a lot.

P.S. I do feel sad for you, I hope that you find the right path to go on and that things get better from there.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 09:25 PM
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Hi,
Thanks for sharing. I am new to this whole SA thing, but have realized that I've been dealing with this my whole life. This is the first year I have talked with a psychiatrist and am taking antidepressants for my anxiety.
I had this issue today that I am wavering back and forth on...I am a happy go lucky person but am insecure and sensitive. I seen a friend at the hospital I work at and tried to visit her after work. She totally rejected me and I was left devestated. I felt it came out of left field and messaged her about it. She told me I was not a good friend because the last conversation we had was all about me and dismissed her feelings... I don't feel I did that (not intentionally anyways) I have some friends who I don't talk to for months and when I do talk to them we pick up from where we left off. Besides having 4 kids,a husband, was going to college full time and no life, I just didn't have any time to devote to friends. I guess she took it personally when I didn't keep in touch with her.
I had no clue she felt like this and was left feeling blindsided when I tried to visit her in the hospital and was faced with rejection. To top it all off, I apologized for hurting her feelings and not being a good friend because I was preoccupied with 'life' only for her to turn around and tell me that I don't deserve to be her friend and that ALL the problems lie with me...anyways, I am very sensitive and apologized again and told her it wasn't intentional and that there's nothing more I can say. She knows I struggle with depression and says that's no excuse.
Now I am left feeling stupid for apologizing over and over and not standing up for myself. I do tend to keep to myself most of the time and I feel this is a prime example of why. What more can I say, now I'm just mad.
And to tell you the truth, if I were to text friends everyday and get mad at them if they didn't text back, wouldn't that be too 'clingy'....just seems like, damned if I do, damned if I don't. I just don't want to have to be held accountable for not making a text in the right amount of time in order not to be a ****ty friend. Uggghhhh soooo frustrating. Yes she hurt my feelings, yes I hurt her feelings, but for the love of God how do i get over not feeling so ****ty about it all?
Anyways, hope I didn't bore you all with my issue. I'm just trying to live a happy life with no drama!
I also had another friend get mad at me because I didn't return a text from the day before. Then I had a different friend that I apologized for not texting her back right away and she replied with 'I don't need a text back right away and don't hold it against you. Don't apologize because I know your busy. I miss you' .... that is how I am and how I assume all people are. Guess I'm wrong.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:23 AM Thread Starter
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I hope that you find the right path to go on and that things get better from there.
Thank you. I think I'll consider to try go to psychiatrist again when I feel ready. And hope things get better
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 01:43 AM Thread Starter
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Hi,
Thanks for sharing. I am new to this whole SA thing, but have realized that I've been dealing with this my whole life. ... Don't apologize because I know your busy. I miss you' .... that is how I am and how I assume all people are. Guess I'm wrong.
Hi @Try2liveHappy thank you for sharing. Me too. Just found this SA term couple months ago. I hope you feel better and could overcome your anxiety.
In college I used to not reply some messages from my friends. Sometimes because I dont know what to say or I dont know how to reject when they ask me to go hang out. But I think they understand me and act not too fussed about it.
Every people have different sensitivity. And friends are better should be person that makes you happy, you feel comfort with and have fun time after your busy daily routinity. If some of your friends seems cant understand you, make you feel bad, maybe they not worth your time or friendship. x
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 02:35 AM
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@Atheism Your story is interesting to read. You seem to be an otherwise normal person without what happened after the bullying.

I don't know whether my SA is pure genetic, or purely due to childhood experience, or both.

I suffered some abuse from my older brothers during childhood. When I was really little, both of my parents worked. I was sometime left to the care of my two brothers who were 3.5 and almost 7 years older than me. I was a fussy baby and they were by far not the best care givers. Incidents that I have memory of included being covered under a quilt to create effect of suffocation. My oldest brother would pretend to hack me with a kitchen knife, frightening me, then only to turn to the back of the knife when it touched me. These were recurring events, kind of standard treat, punishment for being fussy. My neighbor told of story of hearing me cry all the time.

By school age, I was completely dominated by them, and became kind of a little servant of theirs, and no longer had an independent personality. I routinely ran errands for them. If someone came I was the one to answer the door and so on. To illustrate my low status, there was once I watched a comedy show, and laughed. The younger of my brothers was in the kitchen and annoyed at my laughter, warned me to stop it or else. But another funny moment sent me into laughter again. He stormed in, pushed me over on my chair. I got a bloody slash on my arm from it.

I think these experiences permanently, irreversibly crippled my self esteem. I have never been a "complete" person. From last year of HS to college I struggled to regain an independent personality, but during the process, cut myself off from people. For a 4 year period, I almost never talked to people. I didn't have a single friend in college when I lived with 7 other people in dorm room. The number of words I uttered each day was probably single digit most of days, and sometimes zero if what I said when ordering food were excluded. From the last year of college, I started to make an effort toward a normal life, that is, I started to try to talk, even hang out with people but kind of failed. Toward my last few month of college I lived together with one guy during field study. Most of the time, it was only the two of us in a facility, and we barely talked. He was probably freaked out and I don't blame him, because I was kind of a known freak. I remember how joyfully he was for the first time at the last day of our field study, at the prospect of ridding of me soon.

I was normal enough to even think about dating at probably age 24-5. Actually even now I'm probably not up to normal dating. I met my wife online, who categorically overlooked my social awkwardness for some reason, and that's why it worked out for me.

Awkwardness certified, licensed to be shy
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 05:02 PM
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@springbreeze1 :'( That's a really heartbreaking story. I feel like you need to beat the sh*t out of them both. I don't understand the cruelty in humanity.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 06:09 PM
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Thanks. I told this to my wife, she ended up judging me, questioning why I didn't fight. She changed tone after finding I was upset about it. But I think she still thought less of me after knowing this.

I didn't tell her about the college part. It's too disturbing to let family members know.

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@springbreeze1 :'( That's a really heartbreaking story. I feel like you need to beat the sh*t out of them both. I don't understand the cruelty in humanity.

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