My grandpa is in hospice now - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-11-2020, 06:53 PM Thread Starter
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My grandpa is in hospice now


I hate to complain every time something happens like this but I have trouble talking to people in person about stuff like this.

Anyway my grandpa who is 94 fell in his bathroom about a week ago during the night. My grandma heard it (they sleep in separate bedrooms) and my aunt took him to the hospital. He didn't break anything but has been in a lot of pain and didn't want to do anything since. Anyway, my grandma had been having to watch him constantly since then, because she thought he might fall again. But last night he fell again trying to go to the bathroom during the night (he has one of those colonoscopy bags but still has to get up to pee). Anyway he got hurt again and they took him by ambulance from what I heard when my uncle called at 4 AM which woke me up. I heard my dad tell my mom about it. I guess I was still sleepy because I wasn't that upset about it, I just listened and went back to bed.

This afternoon when I got home I heard my dad tell my mom they were going to put him on home hospice with nurses and all.

I just hope he doesn't have to suffer for months or years. It seems like we just went through that with my other grandmother although it's been 3 years already. She messed up her back from a fall and she was in pain before her organs failed and she passed in hospice at 97.

I haven't even talked to my parents about it cause it's hard for me, but I already heard everything.

It seems like in times like this I become very isolated and want to hide away until it's over. I guess at some point I'll have to go see my grandpa, but it sounds selfish but I don't want to. It's embarrassing to me, for the person who is suffering. I'd rather not bother them and remember them how they were well.

It's sad because my grandpa was always a trooper. Heck, he had stomach cancer at the time I was born (30 years ago) and pulled through it. Plus he had two strokes one 15 years ago and one 3 years ago, that he recovered from. He was even still driving the mower up to last year, as well as driving pretty often. But of course nobody lives forever and I guess his health has failed now. I knew with the fall it would probably not be an isolated event and my grandpa never fell, but it seems like when old people start falling it keeps happening for some reason.

I guess this is going to be one of those years, it's weird but it's like I knew it was coming, I could feel it deep down, like I did when my grandma got sick. At Thanksgiving and Christmas I just felt it may be our last, and I tried to slow down and remember it for that. I just pray he has a peaceful passing and my grandma does ok with it.

Underneath the cold November sky, I wait for you... As the pages of my life roll by, I wait for you... I'm so desperate just to see your face, meet me in this broken place...

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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 07:45 AM
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I’m very sorry to hear this. You haven’t had a good year so far.

It will be nice for him to be able to stay at home instead of going to a different hospice, and he will be safer now that he will have the nurses there to look after him.

It isn’t selfish - I’m sure most people would feel the same about wanting to remember people as they were before they became sick or old. If you don’t want to go and see him, he might be happy with a phone call instead.

Everyone is here for you, and you can post here whenever you’re sad. It isn’t “complaining.”

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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 08:49 AM
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@shyguy07 - it's "colostomy", not "colonoscopy" - I have to say it because the latter would be painful if your grandfather tried to go to the bathroom. Colonoscopy is when they go up your backside to check for cancer.


Anyway, did the doctors say that he was going to recover from his fall?
I lost both of my dad's parents in a circumstance like this when I was 9. My grandmother fell and my grandfather died from the stress, literally a "broken heart".


Advanced age, yeah, he would need to be looked after, which is good.

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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 10:40 AM
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I know how you feel, seeing people age is really horrible. I'm glad I won't be putting anyone through this (not having kids + will probably try and organise my own suicide when things start to go south if I'm not dead already by then.) The whole process of ageing is horrifying and you don't realise until you start to see everyone around you go through it.

One of my grandad's died in 2009 but it wasn't a particularly long drawn out process and he died in his late 70s, he went into the hospital and then while there also contracted some kind of bug because hospitals actually make you more sick he was released probably too soon and then went back in and died.

Another had alzhiemers and he also went into a home eventually because my grandma couldn't manage, but I didn't visit him after that I hadn't seen him much for a while before that. He didn't recognise me at all. When I did see him before that it was disturbing to me and difficult to handle. He was also very unpredictable emotionally and I find it difficult to be around people like that. It wasn't just like he forgot everyone around him he also just didn't make much sense generally by that point.

I see my mum's mum now and then and at Christmas and she's younger (86) and can look after herself for now but she has family visiting quite often like my mum and my mum's siblings visit a bit less often but there are four of them (five including my mum) and then I have a bunch of cousins so.

My dad's mum can't at all and she fell down the stairs recently trying to move the arm of a stair lift. When it gets to a point elderly people are like children and you have to consider everything around you because something you miss and don't even consider might be a big problem for them as happened here can cause them to trip down the stairs. Somehow magically she was OK (considering,) though despite that I guess because of how she fell. She had to go to the hospital but just had bruising. She's 92.

I see my dad's mum once or twice a month. She can't hear well either which is difficult for me because I'm not good at shouting/talking loudly with the anxiety. She doesn't want a hearing aid but she really can't hear well at all. The necessary shouting like when my dad tries to talk to her makes me very uncomfortable as well because of my psychological issues.

It's sad and you wish people could just be physically well until they die but in reality there's usually years where people have completely lost their minds or their mind is OK but they're physically disabled. My nan doesn't take this well either, she's very strong mentally so she doesn't like being looked after. She's been through a lot of stuff in the past like being shot before and according to my dad when he was a kid once stabbed herself through the foot with a garden fork and refused to go to the hospital.

I also selfishly think about my own parents will my mum get alzhiemers like her dad? That would be terrible I've on/off had a lot of stress thinking about it obsessively. I haven't more recently but a couple of years ago it would be on my mind often everytime she forgot something I'd start obsessing. Then I start thinking about having to plan funerals one day. That's why I can't allow myself to think about the future I just get really freaked out and want to kill myself.

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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 11:43 AM
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I know how you feel, seeing people age is really horrible. I'm glad I won't be putting anyone through this (not having kids + will probably try and organise my own suicide when things start to go south if I'm not dead already by then.) The whole process of ageing is horrifying and you don't realise until you start to see everyone around you go through it.

One of my grandad's died in 2009 but it wasn't a particularly long drawn out process and he died in his late 70s, he went into the hospital and then while there also contracted some kind of bug because hospitals actually make you more sick he was released probably too soon and then went back in and died.

Another had alzhiemers and he also went into a home eventually because my grandma couldn't manage, but I didn't visit him after that I hadn't seen him much for a while before that. He didn't recognise me at all. When I did see him before that it was disturbing to me and difficult to handle. He was also very unpredictable emotionally and I find it difficult to be around people like that. It wasn't just like he forgot everyone around him he also just didn't make much sense generally by that point.

I see my mum's mum now and then and at Christmas and she's younger (86) and can look after herself for now but she has family visiting quite often like my mum and my mum's siblings visit a bit less often but there are four of them (five including my mum) and then I have a bunch of cousins so.

My dad's mum can't at all and she fell down the stairs recently trying to move the arm of a stair lift. When it gets to a point elderly people are like children and you have to consider everything around you because something you miss and don't even consider might be a big problem for them as happened here can cause them to trip down the stairs. Somehow magically she was OK (considering,) though despite that I guess because of how she fell. She had to go to the hospital but just had bruising. She's 92.

I see my dad's mum once or twice a month. She can't hear well either which is difficult for me because I'm not good at shouting/talking loudly with the anxiety. She doesn't want a hearing aid but she really can't hear well at all. The necessary shouting like when my dad tries to talk to her makes me very uncomfortable as well because of my psychological issues.

It's sad and you wish people could just be physically well until they die but in reality there's usually years where people have completely lost their minds or their mind is OK but they're physically disabled. My nan doesn't take this well either, she's very strong mentally so she doesn't like being looked after. She's been through a lot of stuff in the past like being shot before and according to my dad when he was a kid once stabbed herself through the foot with a garden fork and refused to go to the hospital.

I also selfishly think about my own parents will my mum get alzhiemers like her dad? That would be terrible I've on/off had a lot of stress thinking about it obsessively. I haven't more recently but a couple of years ago it would be on my mind often everytime she forgot something I'd start obsessing. Then I start thinking about having to plan funerals one day. That's why I can't allow myself to think about the future I just get really freaked out and want to kill myself.
There are so many advances in neuroscience like brain mapping and noninvasive surgeries now, I would be really surprised if they haven't found a cure for Alzheimer's in the next ten years.

That's how I try to think about my own brain damage too - if I can just stay alive and sane for a few more years then surely they'll be able to fix it. I'm only 39 though.

I hope you don't end up having to leave this reality. You gave me a lot of hope by showing me what might be wrong with my brain. Not many people are smart enough, or even interested enough to do that. Someone else might need your help down here again some day. 🙂
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 11:44 AM
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It comes to us all if we live long enough, at least you had a good amount of time to get to know them, I only ever knew one grandparent (dad's mother) & she died when I was 11 she had to go into a hospice in the last couple years with alzheimers & from there it was a slow decline, she was 82.

But theres also been a couple family tragedies, father, uncle, dying young from disease is pretty horrifying especially if suffering is drawn out over years, my mother's mother was killed in a traffic accident hit & run at 59.

The most recent was an old family friend who died of conjestive heart failure at 78, he had to suffer 2 months,
But what can anybody do, its par for the course.






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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 12:11 PM
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You're family has strong genes OP - for so many of them to live into their 90's.

Go and see your Grandpa and talk to him. It's nice that you're thinking about all this - you sound like a very sensitive and decent young man. He's had a long life and has done well to reach that age.

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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 12:17 PM
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Sorry to hear. It's rough.

The effects of time are brutal. Your grandpa does sound like someone who has been incredibly resilient. It sounds like he's been through hell though.

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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 12:25 PM
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I dont really have anything to add. hope ur doing ok. I dont know how to feel or act during those kind of times too.

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I also selfishly think about my own parents will my mum get alzhiemers like her dad? That would be terrible I've on/off had a lot of stress thinking about it obsessively. I haven't more recently but a couple of years ago it would be on my mind often everytime she forgot something I'd start obsessing. Then I start thinking about having to plan funerals one day. That's why I can't allow myself to think about the future I just get really freaked out and want to kill myself.


I know the feeling.

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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 12:40 PM
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Then I start thinking about having to plan funerals one day.
Maybe if you talk to your parents sometime about this, so they can at least put plans in place for when they die to minimise the stress for you.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 12:44 PM
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Maybe if you talk to your parents sometime about this, so they can at least put plans in place for when they die to minimise the stress for you.
I think my dad has already done that stuff. good thing because I dont think I could say hey day could you organise and plan your funeral because I might be busy that day.

I only have 1 or 2 family funerals left to attend so that's pretty good.

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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 12:54 PM
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I think my dad has already done that stuff. good thing because I dont think I could say hey day could you organise and plan your funeral because I might be busy that day.
My dad died & left no plans & no money, my mother was broke, with 5 kids under 18, luckily our house was paid for, she cried more nights than not for a year afterwards, given pills for depression & suicidal thoughts, we actually got money raised by charity for a while to cope.

I know the stress that can happen, plans make things easier.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 01:07 PM
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My dad died & left no plans & no money, my mother was broke, with 5 kids under 18, luckily our house was paid for, she cried more nights than not for a year afterwards, given pills for depression & suicidal thoughts, we actually got money raised by charity for a while to cope.

I know the stress that can happen, plans make things easier.
that would have been really difficult for her.

my dad was pretty lost for a long time after mum died. no one to talk to etc. didnt know how to use the washing machine! not much of a feminist apparently.

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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 01:26 PM
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There are so many advances in neuroscience like brain mapping and noninvasive surgeries now, I would be really surprised if they haven't found a cure for Alzheimer's in the next ten years.

That's how I try to think about my own brain damage too - if I can just stay alive and sane for a few more years then surely they'll be able to fix it. I'm only 39 though.

I hope you don't end up having to leave this reality. You gave me a lot of hope by showing me what might be wrong with my brain. Not many people are smart enough, or even interested enough to do that. Someone else might need your help down here again some day. 🙂
Well I just shared a BBC article, but thanks. I'm not sure about a cure I guess I'm kind of pessimistic but I hope they find ways to prevent stuff like that eventually.

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I know the feeling.


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Maybe if you talk to your parents sometime about this, so they can at least put plans in place for when they die to minimise the stress for you.
My mum said before a few summers ago that if she develops alzhiemers she might think about killing herself, which is really depressing but understandable. It's hard to have conversations about this sort of thing. We don't talk as much these days and we don't talk about uncomfortable stuff ever, that's kind of why we all have so many problems we all avoid them entirely.

My dad doesn't really want a funeral much (he's mentioned this before at some point, he doesn't like the idea of them,) but it's more for the people who are still around then anything. By that point most of his family will be dead (his brother died a few years ago he had cancer for ages so he was 'supposed to die' long before he did, and his dad is dead, his mum will be before he dies unless something sudden happens, and I think his sister's husband will be too,) his sister might still be around though although she's older she's female, and cousins too (his brother's children,) so somehow I'll have to get in contact with them and I never talk to them because they live decently far away so I saw them once when I was about 9 or so and again at my grandad's funeral. They probably wouldn't want to come? (I didn't go to their dad's funeral,) but I feel like you're supposed to invite people.

My mum's side will be more of a nightmare because she has a large family and she's the second oldest. Everyone lives reasonably close.

I don't know if they have any concrete plans about that.

Hopefully my brother will be able to help with stuff. This is the kind of thing that we'll both find a nightmare though. I've only been to two funerals so far but I really hate them. I almost had a panic attack at the last one (my mum's dad's funeral,) and since I had to hang out with extended family after the event as soon as I got home I just broke down completely.

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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 01:42 PM
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I'm sorry to see that. It's horrid, heartbreaking and so sad seeing someone you know become not themselves anymore. I hope you can get through it and hope your grandpa recovers.


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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 01:57 PM
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I've only been to two funerals so far but I really hate them. I almost had a panic attack at the last one (my mum's dad's funeral,) and since I had to hang out with extended family after the event as soon as I got home I just broke down completely.
Yeah I know the struggle, I've been to four funerals, 2 weren't so bad cause I was very close to the deceased & grief kinda overid anxiety of the event, its pretty horrible feeling trapped around large groups of people or extended family that you rarely ever interact with otherwise.

I think I probably had a stiff drink or 2 when I got away.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 02:19 PM
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My mum said before a few summers ago that if she develops alzhiemers she might think about killing herself, which is really depressing but understandable.

They probably wouldn't want to come? (I didn't go to their dad's funeral,) but I feel like you're supposed to invite people.
My mother actually said she wants some of us to kill her if something like that happens & I said "you realise that's murder & we'll go to jail right"

It's your parents invite who you want though I guess extended family would want to be informed at least.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 03:21 PM
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I had trouble visiting my grandmother when she was in hospice, because also I wanted to remember her as being healthy. Its really hard to see your family when they are on the way out. I wanted to hide and I still feel guilty about it. But you should visit him if want to. Hospice is a very sad situation and people should be lucky to have their loved ones nearby in that time of need. Sorry you have to deal with this pain.

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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 08:25 PM Thread Starter
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I’m very sorry to hear this. You haven’t had a good year so far.

It will be nice for him to be able to stay at home instead of going to a different hospice, and he will be safer now that he will have the nurses there to look after him.

It isn’t selfish - I’m sure most people would feel the same about wanting to remember people as they were before they became sick or old. If you don’t want to go and see him, he might be happy with a phone call instead.

Everyone is here for you, and you can post here whenever you’re sad. It isn’t “complaining.”
Thank you. No it hasn't been a good year and there are other things happening as well that I'm hearing about. I guess it always comes all at once.

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I know how you feel, seeing people age is really horrible. I'm glad I won't be putting anyone through this (not having kids + will probably try and organise my own suicide when things start to go south if I'm not dead already by then.) The whole process of ageing is horrifying and you don't realise until you start to see everyone around you go through it.

One of my grandad's died in 2009 but it wasn't a particularly long drawn out process and he died in his late 70s, he went into the hospital and then while there also contracted some kind of bug because hospitals actually make you more sick he was released probably too soon and then went back in and died.

Another had alzhiemers and he also went into a home eventually because my grandma couldn't manage, but I didn't visit him after that I hadn't seen him much for a while before that. He didn't recognise me at all. When I did see him before that it was disturbing to me and difficult to handle. He was also very unpredictable emotionally and I find it difficult to be around people like that. It wasn't just like he forgot everyone around him he also just didn't make much sense generally by that point.

I see my mum's mum now and then and at Christmas and she's younger (86) and can look after herself for now but she has family visiting quite often like my mum and my mum's siblings visit a bit less often but there are four of them (five including my mum) and then I have a bunch of cousins so.

My dad's mum can't at all and she fell down the stairs recently trying to move the arm of a stair lift. When it gets to a point elderly people are like children and you have to consider everything around you because something you miss and don't even consider might be a big problem for them as happened here can cause them to trip down the stairs. Somehow magically she was OK (considering,) though despite that I guess because of how she fell. She had to go to the hospital but just had bruising. She's 92.

I see my dad's mum once or twice a month. She can't hear well either which is difficult for me because I'm not good at shouting/talking loudly with the anxiety. She doesn't want a hearing aid but she really can't hear well at all. The necessary shouting like when my dad tries to talk to her makes me very uncomfortable as well because of my psychological issues.

It's sad and you wish people could just be physically well until they die but in reality there's usually years where people have completely lost their minds or their mind is OK but they're physically disabled. My nan doesn't take this well either, she's very strong mentally so she doesn't like being looked after. She's been through a lot of stuff in the past like being shot before and according to my dad when he was a kid once stabbed herself through the foot with a garden fork and refused to go to the hospital.

I also selfishly think about my own parents will my mum get alzhiemers like her dad? That would be terrible I've on/off had a lot of stress thinking about it obsessively. I haven't more recently but a couple of years ago it would be on my mind often everytime she forgot something I'd start obsessing. Then I start thinking about having to plan funerals one day. That's why I can't allow myself to think about the future I just get really freaked out and want to kill myself.
I used to worry about alzheimer's a lot too, I practically obsessed over it in high school. My great-grandmother who I never knew had it apparently, and she would do and say really weird things. Also my grandparents had a neighbor who got it, she and her husband should have been in a nursing home a lot earlier. She used to lose her mind at times and call my grandma and tell her that she was a horrible person and to stop bothering her and she'd write letters to the police about how she was stealing from everyone, which of course wasn't even true.

With my other grandma when she started getting older I worried a lot. When I was in high school she hurt her back because she was doing things in her yard she really shouldn't have been trying to do in her 80s, but she refused to slow down. She started getting her house updated and I didn't realize it for some reason, but she was getting it ready to sell. They fixed her back with surgery and she was good for a while but then my senior year in high school she had a stroke and had to go into rehab. I was freaked out at the time and very depressed because I hadn't seen any of my family change that much.

My grandfather on that side (her husband) had passed when I was very young so I never dealt with it before. Anyway after the stroke she got better but had to sell her house and moved in with my aunt and uncle. I still got to see her about once a year when she'd come down to my other aunt and uncle's for a while. Then she got too feeble to travel and I didn't see her for her last 3 years. She had to go into an assisted living apartment place and she actually did pretty well for a few years but then she started forgetting to take her blood sugar and stuff. She messed up her back again because she started falling and then went back to my aunt and uncle's until her organs failed and she went to a hospice. She actually never got alzheimer's as far as I know. But at the end she started to say weird stuff and she thought my uncle was the enemy and tried to run away once. I never knew if her mind was going or it was some medication she was on. I remember the last time I talked to her on the phone she told me to have a good life and they were doing everything they could for her, then a few months after she passed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Musicfan View Post
I had trouble visiting my grandmother when she was in hospice, because also I wanted to remember her as being healthy. Its really hard to see your family when they are on the way out. I wanted to hide and I still feel guilty about it. But you should visit him if want to. Hospice is a very sad situation and people should be lucky to have their loved ones nearby in that time of need. Sorry you have to deal with this pain.
Yeah I agree, it is hard. I finally talked to my dad tonight. I told him I was sorry and he told me it's just how it is, he's old and worn out. I just hope he doesn't have to suffer long. I'm worried about my grandmother too because she's going to need help doing things since she has to watch him all the time now. I'm afraid to go, I just don't want to see this but it's how it is.

Underneath the cold November sky, I wait for you... As the pages of my life roll by, I wait for you... I'm so desperate just to see your face, meet me in this broken place...

Be a little brave for a little bit of time.
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