If you were dying, would you want you to visit? - Social Anxiety Forum
Reply
 
Thread Tools
post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 02:20 PM Thread Starter
SAS's Chief Meteorologist
 
Maslow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Denver
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,542

If you were dying, would you want you to visit?


My mother-in-law is dying and I'm not sure if I should go visit her. I mean, we're not close. I've been more of a caregiver than a friend or family member. If I drove all the way to the hospital (which is about 1/2 an hour away), I don't know what I'd say. What do you say to someone who's dying? Sorry you're dying? And I don't know that she would really want me there for more than a few minutes. So I'd drive 1/2 an hour to spend a few minutes with her?

My wife is with her, and her sons will be there later. I really don't know what to do.

Nobody loves me but my dog, and I think he might be jivin', too.
Maslow is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 02:25 PM
Greasy prospector
 
blue2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: The salty spitoon
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,272
My Mood: Lurking
No I can't stand me at the best of times.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
blue2 is offline  
post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 02:31 PM
monk
 
andy1984's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: chch
Language: english, silence
Gender: Non-binary
Age: 34
Posts: 6,215
My Mood: Amazed
nah **** those satellite ppl coming to visit me if i'm dying.


anyway, when my mum was dying i was awkward as ****. i didn't have anything to say so i didn't say anything when i visited her. partly because we were never alone which made it more awkward. we were definitely not close either. also visiting her was a bit of a horror show tbh. idk why assisted suicide isn't a thing for people who are dying.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
―Balon Greyjoy
andy1984 is online now  
post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 02:38 PM
Greasy prospector
 
blue2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: The salty spitoon
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,272
My Mood: Lurking
Quote:
Originally Posted by andy1984 View Post
also visiting her was a bit of a horror show tbh. idk why assisted suicide isn't a thing for people who are dying.
....I had a similar experience a few years ago with a respected elderly neighbour who I grew up around & he helped me alot, he was always a strong, proud person & it took him 2 months to die in the end losing his strength & dignity & I knew he didn't want it that way, they at least doped him up good on morphine in the end till his heart gave out.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
blue2 is offline  
post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 03:27 PM
Irreversibly Invisible
 
firestar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Gender: Female
Age: 32
Posts: 4,186
My Mood: Brooding
Does your wife want you there? If visiting would benefit her, then I would go if I were you.

An actual suffering strengthens,
As sinews do, with age.
firestar is online now  
post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
SAS's Chief Meteorologist
 
Maslow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Denver
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,542
Quote:
Originally Posted by blue2 View Post
....I had a similar experience a few years ago with a respected elderly neighbour who I grew up around & he helped me alot, he was always a strong, proud person & it took him 2 months to die in the end losing his strength & dignity & I knew he didn't want it that way, they at least doped him up good on morphine in the end till his heart gave out.
That's how I want to go... doped up on morphine! As long as I was feeling good, I wouldn't want to die. But if I was in pain all the time and barely coherent, naa... Put a bullet in my head.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firestar View Post
Does your wife want you there? If visiting would benefit her, then I would go if I were you.
I thought about that. I'll ask her.

Nobody loves me but my dog, and I think he might be jivin', too.
Maslow is offline  
post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 03:34 PM
'internet nerd'
 
Persephone The Dread's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: I've come to burn your kingdom down
Language: Eng (UK,) 下手な日本語
Posts: 35,945
Sure I've never met me, might be interesting and if it's not I'll be dead soon anyway I guess.

Quote:
Please don't attempt to raid Nevada to 'see them aliens' as part of the internet's joke du jour, the US air force will not be amused.
Slavoj Žižek on the horrors of tulips.

🎸

"Who are you to change this world?
Silly boy!
No one needs to hear your words.
Let it go."
Persephone The Dread is offline  
post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 04:02 PM
 
 
roxslide's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: WA
Language: sarcasm
Posts: 2,918
Probably not, but in my fantasies yes. Especially the people I hate so I can finally tell them to **** off or what I really think of them haha

--

As for OP, I would visit not for the mother in law's sake but for your wife's sake. The mother in law is dying and it sounds like she doesn't really care about you anyway so it doesn't matter what she thinks but your wife will remember that you didn't visit her mom when she was dying.
roxslide is offline  
post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 04:02 PM
SAS Member
 
farfegnugen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: sleepyville in eastern U.S.
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,995
My Mood: Confused
If it's expected or if you've shared a good relationship, then yeah you should go and give her a gentle hug and tell her thanks for everything you've done for us or something similar, then kind of stand off in the background while her children spend time with her. She may have a few words she wants to share with you. It's respectful and it will probably prevent any sore/hurt feelings with the family later.
farfegnugen is offline  
post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 04:21 PM
bipolar
 
harrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12,801
Well unfortunately when I'm dying I'll defintely probably already be there. But in that situation it's probably a good idea just to go and make an appearance.
harrison is online now  
post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 06:30 PM
Malevolent Dictator
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 47
Posts: 8,703
My Mood: Brooding
I wouldn't want me to visit, but I wouldn't be given a choice. It's just expected in my family that you show up for things.

Are you sure you want to permanently delete this culture? [Yes] [No]
truant is offline  
post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 09:04 PM
SAS Member
 
andy0128's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Europe
Gender: Male
Age: 39
Posts: 5,617
If it concerns people i got along well with then why not. For everyone else i can't see there being much point to it. I wouldn't want to be visited by such people or mind really if they didnt show up. Sometimes you might feel obliged to visit someone once and for a brief period out of courtesy...like if it's what your partner wants.
andy0128 is offline  
post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 09:54 PM
Flying Backwards
 
WillYouStopDave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Gender: Male
Age: 46
Posts: 27,500
My Mood: Relaxed
Good questions. I don't have good answers. I don't know that I'd really want to see anyone if I was dying. I also don't know what you're supposed to say to someone who is dying. But it certainly is an awkward and tragic thing to think about when you consider that often happens that the people in question are very close and probably really care for one another.

The closest thing I have really had was when my dog was dying and when I thought my mom might be dying. All I can say is that when it comes to people who have to actually watch someone they love die, I can understand why it sometimes just destroys them. If it isn't someone you care deeply about, it's probably best to ask if they want you there.

------------

In case of emergency, my husk can be used as a flotation device.
WillYouStopDave is offline  
post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 09:58 PM
Cooking Chicken
 
exceptionalfool's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 568
I think if I was dying I would welcome anybody who cared about me and my situation. =l
exceptionalfool is offline  
post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 10:03 PM
Flying Backwards
 
WillYouStopDave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Gender: Male
Age: 46
Posts: 27,500
My Mood: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by exceptionalfool View Post
I think if I was dying I would welcome anybody who cared about me and my situation. =l
This is a reasonable thought but in the end, it's the loneliest road. People can be right there but they can't do anything. The knowledge of everything in a situation like that has to suck pretty bad.

------------

In case of emergency, my husk can be used as a flotation device.
WillYouStopDave is offline  
post #16 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 10:12 PM
Cooking Chicken
 
exceptionalfool's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 568
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillYouStopDave View Post
This is a reasonable thought but in the end, it's the loneliest road. People can be right there but they can't do anything. The knowledge of everything in a situation like that has to suck pretty bad.
Well, I assume I would know that I am beyond salvation and I'm leaving the world and I would probably be scared. Anybody who is empathetic or sympathetic would be better than nobody. We would share mortality as a common weakness. A common fate to which we are both averse and empathetic.

i guess therein lies the fear of dying alone.
exceptionalfool is offline  
post #17 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-19-2019, 11:23 PM
It's not easy being green
 
Fever Dream's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: City in a bottle.
Language: Bocce... it's like a second language to me.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,791
It would likely depend on the cause of death, but I suppose not.

If life were easy, it wouldn't be difficult.
Fever Dream is offline  
post #18 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-20-2019, 01:17 AM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 13,241
your presence may be enough. i don't even think you need to say much. maybe look to what your wife has been saying to her for some guidance, though.
tea111red is offline  
post #19 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-20-2019, 01:26 AM
bipolar
 
harrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12,801
The closest thing to that I've experienced is when my father-in-law had just had a stroke. He was lying in a hospital bed sort of hand-cuffed to the side-rail, because he was very distraught and kept trying to climb over it. He couldn't talk anymore - he just was making all these awful noises and looked very upset.

I sat beside him for a while but I was crying so I didn't stay for long - I found it terribly sad. I wasn't even really close to him it was just horrible to see the poor guy reduced to that. He'd always been a strong man and he'd always been decent to me.
harrison is online now  
post #20 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-20-2019, 01:30 AM
bipolar
 
harrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12,801
Quote:
Originally Posted by tea111red View Post
your presence may be enough. i don't even think you need to say much. maybe look to what your wife has been saying to her for some guidance, though.
Good post.
harrison is online now  
Reply

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Donald Trump demands to ride in Queen's gold-plated carriage during UK state visit VanDamMan Society & Culture 22 04-25-2017 02:23 PM
I am going to take my daughter to visit her mom in jail. Just have a few follow up d4660 Relationships 19 03-06-2017 12:51 PM
Should my daughter visit her mom in jail? Is there a benefit over phone calls? d4660 Relationships 21 01-19-2017 12:42 AM
Fiancé's Parents Visit; Help! Fairyxo Coping With Social Anxiety 4 01-30-2009 11:59 AM
What is a psychiatrist visit like? JayJay Medication 21 06-03-2006 02:33 PM

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome