I can't ever drastically change my appearance. EVER. (long)
So, yes, I feel like I can never change my appearance completely. At first it never seemed to matter, especially since as a kid I claimed I wasn't really into all that. I had quickly gained the reputation amongst my friends for being sloppy, but kind of 'Cool Sloppy', like I was making some statement to society that I wasn't going to abide by the rules. But like most things, it was never about being cool and it was more about my crippling social anxiety.
It used to be terrible. At primary school I was so anxious to wear those new boots my Grandmother had bought me in case I drew unwanted attention to myself (when in reality, no-one would bat an eyelid), at aged six I was fascinated by the colourful nails my friends were coming to school in, yet when my mum put the brush against my finger I yelped and panicked. The fear was enough to trigger severe anxiety attacks before my parents would wearily force me into the car, reassuring me for the 100th time that even though I was wearing a new coat, nothing big would happen and by the end of the day I would realise how silly I was. They were almost always right, yet it would never prevent the next time I would panic over something as trivial as a new item of clothing or a haircut.
I was around fourteen years old when someone made fun of my eyebrows. And I'm not talking about some shallow act where someone points out that one side is slightly uneven and I'm able to fix it when I get home. I'm talking about my 'friends' talking behind my back about how bushy they were and how I had an ugly monobrow. It never used to bother me much before, but now it became the one thing on my entire body that I was so severely self-conscious about, that it became one of the biggest factors why I could no longer look people in the eye and surprise, surprise, guess who's too self-conscious to change it? Moi.
I know what you're thinking: 'you shouldn't have to change your appearance because of some person’s opinion', which is true but you haven't SEEN the ginormous squirrels that had decided to make its nest above my eyes. I've had acquaintances come up to me and say 'why don't you pluck your eyebrows they're really bushy and untidy' -- and I did in fact, at some point, have a monobrow. Four years later I've pretty much only summoned up the courage to pluck that monobrow away, that's it.
I still look in the mirror every day and see how ugly my brows are, trying my hardest to shape them but chickening out at the last minute because I'm so goddamn scared of the change. It's a similar situation with makeup. And it's not the same as the nail vanish incident (which I now have a slight phobia of) because my bushy eyebrows is more than a part of my identity, it's sometimes how my friends identify me ('Amy, with the bushy eyebrows and the curly hair') which just makes it so much harder to change.
I still can't look people in the eye.
I'm wondering if any of you can relate to this and if perhaps if anyone has any advice?
(also I don't know if I've already posted this because my laptop freaked out when I pressed 'post')