how did your mental illness begin ? - Page 4 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #61 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 01:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue2 View Post
Well if you think about it, in nature under adverse conditions, its probably better to have more females, cause 1 male can impregnate lots of females promoting species survival.
Yes I imagine it's mostly tied to resource stress but also probably fear of disease contamination and physical safety. People who lack resources also have more children probably for similar reasons. Although so do people with tons of resources (they treat children as status symbols.) It's that kind of middle group that just drop off with making children as far as I can tell, especially when population density gets too high. Which is what's happening in industrialised countries now. This helps to increase inequality but it's also inequality that pushes it. So it becomes a death spiral.

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post #62 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 03:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
I don't know whether your sister is rebellious in some way, but women also tend to spend a lot of time policing women's behaviour. You say that you just adopt the persona of whatever the people around you want you to adopt (that's schizoid/avoidant personality development btw,) which might make your mum like you more. I don't know what your family dynamic is like but you probably developed that tendency as a coping mechanism in the first place.
Well, they both have strong personalities and opposing lifestyles. I don't think my mom is very typical though. Mostly it's the dad whose controlling.
What's frustrating about the culture is that people's boundaries are very fluid, and it can have benefits if you are in need of help (even like strangers or people you barely know), but at the same time, you have to consciously push people away when they do cross your personal boundaries. My mom hates being defeated by my sister pushing back so she keeps reigniting battles. I don't think this is very typical. I've heard that moms generally just give up after a certain point.
For me, I'm so dependent on my family, more now than before, I often feel guilty for any kind of push back. Also, seeking a replacement for support never worked for me. And it's really hard to find anyone who even understands what mental illness is. And my vulnerabilities are so huge, I can't trust anyone with them (unless I never meet them irl, or they are biologically invested in me, i.e. my parents).

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post #63 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 10:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
This reminds me of a blog post I read a while back:



https://tinyurl.com/rld4j5l

(If an admin of this forum is reading this post I still think it's ridiculous that you don't allow tumblr links at all, and as you can see there is no point attempting to stop people posting them when using tinyurl gets around it.)

A lot of well off families seem very Machiavellian like Katie Hopkins (fast life strategy as well I guess,) talking about how she won't let her children play with people with certain names. Everything has to be very tightly controlled. I imagine it leads to many children with schizoid personality disorder (among other disorders,) since controlling behaviour is often a big precursor to that.

https://www.quora.com/How-were-peopl...em-as-children
That portion of the blog that you quoted is spot on. My mother was also very meticulous on who I was allowed to hang out with and even picked my friends for my sister and I. Her reasons were sometimes ridiculous... for example, I remember this one time when my mother tried to have me become friends with this other girl because "Caroline is so beautiful. Her blue eyes and her rosy cheeks are just perfect. She looks like a real life doll". Never mind the fact that although we weren't enemies we had completely different personalities. She became friends with her mother and would set up playdates hoping that I would eventually become good friends with her. It never happened. And by the way I was never complimented on my brown eyes and my rosy cheeks.

Conversely she hated the fact that I would hang out with this girl because "she had messy nappy red hair". Absolutely ridiculous! To become friends with someone just because of the way they look is I don't know... a bit "shallow".

Also that Katie Hopkins appears to be an insufferable *****. I've watched some of her political debates and she always struck me as right wing freak. I have never seen her in this light, that is "classist". In America most right wing talk usually comes from "working class agitators". Or at least by pundits, who adopt a working class persona and an uncouth manner of speech (see Trump and Bush) even though they have always lived privileged lives themselves. To include snide remarks about working class people would be political suicide.


Personally I find some naming trends to be a bit comical. For example, here in the States for some strange reason people decided to start naming
their children after surnames.

Eg:

Jackson- Boy's Name
Hunter- Boy's Name
Cooper- Boy's Name
Mackenzie- ( I take that this name comes from McKenzie but is spelled differently ) Girl's name.

I would never name my child any of these names but I respect parents who do and certainly would not look down upon anyone with names like these.

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I exist on the best terms I can
The past is now part of my future,
The present is well out of hand"

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post #64 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 10:38 AM
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post #65 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 04:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eternal Solitude View Post
That portion of the blog that you quoted is spot on. My mother was also very meticulous on who I was allowed to hang out with and even picked my friends for my sister and I. Her reasons were sometimes ridiculous... for example, I remember this one time when my mother tried to have me become friends with this other girl because "Caroline is so beautiful. Her blue eyes and her rosy cheeks are just perfect. She looks like a real life doll". Never mind the fact that although we weren't enemies we had completely different personalities. She became friends with her mother and would set up playdates hoping that I would eventually become good friends with her. It never happened. And by the way I was never complimented on my brown eyes and my rosy cheeks.

Conversely she hated the fact that I would hang out with this girl because "she had messy nappy red hair". Absolutely ridiculous! To become friends with someone just because of the way they look is I don't know... a bit "shallow".

Also that Katie Hopkins appears to be an insufferable *****. I've watched some of her political debates and she always struck me as right wing freak. I have never seen her in this light, that is "classist". In America most right wing talk usually comes from "working class agitators". Or at least by pundits, who adopt a working class persona and an uncouth manner of speech (see Trump and Bush) even though they have always lived privileged lives themselves. To include snide remarks about working class people would be political suicide.


Personally I find some naming trends to be a bit comical. For example, here in the States for some strange reason people decided to start naming
their children after surnames.

Eg:

Jackson- Boy's Name
Hunter- Boy's Name
Cooper- Boy's Name
Mackenzie- ( I take that this name comes from McKenzie but is spelled differently ) Girl's name.

I would never name my child any of these names but I respect parents who do and certainly would not look down upon anyone with names like these.
Yeah I've known people like that. It is a pretty shallow outlook.

Kind of depressingly it not only isn't political suicide here, but it just gets ignored/dismissed entirely a lot of the time. :/ some do try to adopt a different class and change their accent but it's always really obvious so most don't bother. She is definitely a political troll, her debate at Oxford union on whether inequality was good (it was supposed to be on positive discrimination but most of the time she seemed to be trying to make a case that inequality is a positive thing and looking down on people.) is one of the most nauseating things I've ever seen.. She spends about half of it commenting on how people are dressed and rubbish like that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myosr View Post
Well, they both have strong personalities and opposing lifestyles. I don't think my mom is very typical though. Mostly it's the dad whose controlling.
What's frustrating about the culture is that people's boundaries are very fluid, and it can have benefits if you are in need of help (even like strangers or people you barely know), but at the same time, you have to consciously push people away when they do cross your personal boundaries. My mom hates being defeated by my sister pushing back so she keeps reigniting battles. I don't think this is very typical. I've heard that moms generally just give up after a certain point.
For me, I'm so dependent on my family, more now than before, I often feel guilty for any kind of push back. Also, seeking a replacement for support never worked for me. And it's really hard to find anyone who even understands what mental illness is. And my vulnerabilities are so huge, I can't trust anyone with them (unless I never meet them irl, or they are biologically invested in me, i.e. my parents).
I'm not sure what's normal. My mum was always really uninvolved as a parent in that sense, but that's because she decided to do the polar opposite of how her mum raised her.

edit: Also I know how you feel to some extent. There's nothing I really strongly want either and I mostly feel like I can't exist around anyone else. I don't think it's really fixable because tbh most people hear that and just take you at face value. Some people might even wish they were similarly dead. 'Oh that must be nice, you don't want things so you can't be suffering' sort of thing. I don't know at least in my case it just leads to a different kind of frustration.

Kick down the door
Kick through the pain
You've been talking to the wall
Everybody is dead in this house

Kick down the door
Kick through the pain
You never wanted to be born
Everybody is dead in this house

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post #66 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 02:13 AM
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Introversion runs in dad's side of family. But I was apparently a friendly toddler. Then, we moved countries twice: once when I was 5~6 (I adjusted ok, with some minor hiccups), second time at 13~14, halfway around the world into complete different culture. I couldn't even understand people's accents for the first little while, even though I spoke perfect English.

Parents were always judgemental snobs. I can remember their snide comments about my preferences in everything from food to friends since way back (offhand/unintentional ofc). Got scolded whenever I expressed any negative emotion (anger, sadness, etc.). Tears were treated with contempt. I didn't learn to allow myself to let it out and have a good cry until I was in my mid-late 20s. Other than that, they mostly left me to my own devices. I'm an only child. They never encouraged/signed me up for any activities (unless "Why can't you just be normal and make friends?" counts as encouragement...)

In summary, the second relocation ****ed me up and I never recovered from it. Culture shock was probably a big part of that, since I almost nobody here who is from where I grew up, and everything was foreign and overwhelming. That was when I began internalising a lot of **** (shame, self-blame, mistrust of everyone and everything. etc.), from a combination of not being able/willing to express my problems, and my mum pointing out all my social gaffes and commenting on my appearance whenever she got a chance.

I was also chubby and unattractive, and no opposite sex even noticed me until after I finished college.

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post #67 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 06:58 PM
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@bad baby

...Mine started as innocently as as my age, 14. It came like a thief in the night, so quiet but you could tell for a fact that it was there. Never asked for it. I suspect my dad had underlying issues and in the beginning, could see what contributed to his drinking. Now I just resent it all. Same with depression. I didn't see that one coming. But I was a good kid. I don't think I did anything wrong, probably in a past life maybe but I was just quiet in my years and it morphed into a crazy monster as I got older. I never got bullied but there's a constant bully anyway. So no need for that. I'm pretty sure it's genetic. Having a cold unemotional, yet unstable father was tricky, to say the least. It still is.
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post #68 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 07:51 PM
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I used to think about this all the time. Maybe it was abuse from childhood but I'm beginning to think it doesn't matter why anymore. Knowing why never helped me. It just made me ruminate more and more with nothing to show for it



The new why or what I'm after is what thoughts and behaviours are screwing me over. Might be easier to tackle those and have that reflect onto my emotions than vice versa. Changing my emotions by will just does not work for me on its own

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post #69 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-03-2020, 04:25 PM
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I've had anxiety my entire life, pretty much. But it's only after being sexually assaulted at 16 that everything spiraled out of control and I developed all kinds of mental health problems that I'm still working on.

more issues than vogue
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post #70 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-03-2020, 06:29 PM
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Could be with my first kiss...we drew straws and then met around the back of the arcade for everyone to go pair after pair. It’s the first memory I have of an anxiety/panic attack with the racing heart, laboured breathing, & shaky limbs, etc. I also think my asthma has played a role as I had bad attacks as a kid & not being able to breathe properly will make anyone freak out so it’s possible anxiety affecting my breathing subconsciously triggers terrible memories of harsh asthmas attacks & that sense of no control which then exacerbases & prolong the attacks. Anyway once I started having them regularly I developed a shame of them which crushed my self confidence & self esteem & depression developed out of that & now they just feed each other in a vicious circle
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post #71 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2020, 08:58 PM
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I'd say it manifested in my early teens, but there were signs even when I was at my happiest and most normal.
Writing unsettling messages on sticky notes, talking to myself, thinking about hurting others for no reason, a suicide attempt when I was eight, etc.
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post #72 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-12-2020, 09:46 AM
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It started when I broke up with my gf
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