how did your mental illness begin ? - Page 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #21 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 10:42 PM
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I can't remember ever feeling normal...But I went from very shy to more anxious once I started middle school. I didn't have friends and wasn't able to talk to anyone which made me feel very self-conscious.
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post #22 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 02:32 AM
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? i dont understand , you must have some type of illness otherwise you wont be in this community
I'm stoic & manly, I drink whiskey & shoot feelings with my six shooter.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
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A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
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post #23 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 09:58 AM
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? i dont understand , you must have some type of illness otherwise you wont be in this community
I'm stoic & manly, I drink whiskey & shoot feelings with my six shooter.
I think you’ve broken through ... I believe you’re NORMAL now ... what’s it like blue2 ?
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post #24 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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No, I don't think I'd say about 13 or 14 mate. I had a lot of fun in my late teens and also throughout my 20's with my girlfriends. Went and stayed over in Germany for a while etc in my mid 20's. But the time I look back on with the most fondness is the last 25 years or so - with my wife and my son. Nothing comes close to that - actually everything else just seems a bit silly in comparison tbh.

What you say about it feeling a bit trippy is a bit like mania with me - it can feel like that sometimes. But other times very intense and very unpleasant. So I have to decide whether to keep taking medication - which has side-effects.

It's good you have your family mate - at least that gives you something to hold onto. I hope you're doing okay anyway.
yes mate , these episodes only appear when im not taking my medication , but the depression is always there , but i keep fighting and i keep taking my medication for my depression and it helps , but before i didnt have any meds and those episodes kept coming till i made it to the hospital and saw other people with the same kinda issues and then they gave me those meds and everything was back to normal , except for my lifestyle or the way i think , if it wasnt for my family mate then i would be gone a long time ago ,but i feel stronger when im surrounded by them , the hardest part of life is not finding what you love its about staying alive as much as possible and reach ages like 60 years 70 80 ,or 90 , when you accomplished reaching those ages then you can truly see what the true meaning of human life is and see the real you , we always have to find new things to keep us busy ,sources of entertainments are also reasons why we are still alive , buying a new car might make you happy for a while but then it gets boring and then you have to buy another car to keep entertained
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post #25 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 12:33 PM
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yes mate , these episodes only appear when im not taking my medication , but the depression is always there , but i keep fighting and i keep taking my medication for my depression and it helps , but before i didnt have any meds and those episodes kept coming till i made it to the hospital and saw other people with the same kinda issues and then they gave me those meds and everything was back to normal , except for my lifestyle or the way i think , if it wasnt for my family mate then i would be gone a long time ago ,but i feel stronger when im surrounded by them , the hardest part of life is not finding what you love its about staying alive as much as possible and reach ages like 60 years 70 80 ,or 90 , when you accomplished reaching those ages then you can truly see what the true meaning of human life is and see the real you , we always have to find new things to keep us busy ,sources of entertainments are also reasons why we are still alive , buying a new car might make you happy for a while but then it gets boring and then you have to buy another car to keep entertained
Well, I'm 61 so I guess I'm supposed to know what the meaning of life is by now. I don't really have anything mysterious or wonderful to say - but I think you're right about possessions not being important. For me the most important thing is my family - event though we all live separately now.

Is your wife supportive of you and your situation? It must be hard for you to have to keep fighting the depression all the time - that's horrible and I wish I could help you. I think I'm lucky in that I seem to have more problems with mania - although I do get down sometimes too.
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post #26 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 12:55 PM
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My "illness" was there as far back as I can remember. I can look back as far as when I was 5 years old and I remember getting beaten pretty hard regularly.
In school I tended to be afraid of other kids because I thought they would beat me too. The fact that I was unusually "quiet" for a kid that age, made other kids think I was weak and bully me too.

My childhood was so messed up that it's nearly a miracle I didn't become a serial killer (I am not kidding).

I nearly died after a particular vicious beating when I was very young. I don't remember that incident. I was to young. But my brother told me that after being beaten one time to the head I fell unconscious to the floor. After some time, because I wasn't moving, my mother got "worried" and checked if I was "fine" and saw that I was no longer breathing. My brother run to the bar next door (we were extremely poor and didn't have a phone at home. Not even a toilet...). The ambulance came very fast and they were able to reanimate me.

I have always wondered if I didn't sustain brain damage because of this. I remained a few minutes without breathing. I guess I will never know. And the most surprising is that nobody ever stepped in. Nobody ever cared.

"Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist." ~ Our Lady of La Salette
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post #27 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 01:05 PM
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My "illness" was there as far back as I can remember. I can look back as far as when I was 5 years old and I remember getting beaten pretty hard regularly.
In school I tended to be afraid of other kids because I thought they would beat me too. The fact that I was unusually "quiet" for a kid that age, made other kids think I was weak and bully me too.

My childhood was so messed up that it's nearly a miracle I didn't become a serial killer (I am not kidding).

I nearly died after a particular vicious beating when I was very young. I don't remember that incident. I was to young. But my brother told me that after being beaten one time to the head I fell unconscious to the floor. After some time, because I wasn't moving, my mother got "worried" and checked if I was "fine" and saw that I was no longer breathing. My brother run to the bar next door (we were extremely poor and didn't have a phone at home. Not even a toilet...). The ambulance came very fast and they were able to reanimate me.

I have always wondered if I didn't sustain brain damage because of this. I remained a few minutes without breathing. I guess I will never know. And the most surprising is that nobody ever stepped in. Nobody ever cared.
It's inconceivable to me that people can do this type of thing to their kids. And I think you're right - it's surprising you didn't become a serial killer or something given your childhood. It's amazing you've done as well as you have.

Would an MRI show any damage that may have been caused by all those beatings? I don't know enough about it.
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post #28 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 01:25 PM
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It's inconceivable to me that people can do this type of thing to their kids. And I think you're right - it's surprising you didn't become a serial killer or something given your childhood. It's amazing you've done as well as you have.

Would an MRI show any damage that may have been caused by all those beatings? I don't know enough about it.
Sadly, I heard about even worse things than that. Some time ago I heard about a kid that went to hospital and had many bones fractured and a severe head trauma that eventually killed him. Both parents have been charged with manslaughter in this case.

I also heard about a mother that would make their kids drink "propylene glycol" to poison them to death. After the third kid died, they found out that the mother was responsible. She confessed to killing her kids because she liked the attention and support she would get from her relatives and foreigners who felt sorry for her.


Sure I didn't become a serial killer. I also didn't end up homeless or jobless. But I wouldn't say I did all that well. At least I don't like what I have become.

A MRI wouldn't show anything. It is useful to diagnose brain bleedings, brain atrophy (=alzheimer), tumors. But it won't show scarce, brain cell damages.

I was very young. My brain was far from being fully developped. So I don't think I carried to much damage, if damage occured.

"Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist." ~ Our Lady of La Salette
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post #29 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 01:50 PM
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Sadly, I heard about even worse things than that. Some time ago I heard about a kid that went to hospital and had many bones fractured and a severe head trauma that eventually killed him. Both parents have been charged with manslaughter in this case.

I also heard about a mother that would make their kids drink "propylene glycol" to poison them to death. After the third kid died, they found out that the mother was responsible. She confessed to killing her kids because she liked the attention and support she would get from her relatives and foreigners who felt sorry for her.


Sure I didn't become a serial killer. I also didn't end up homeless or jobless. But I wouldn't say I did all that well. At least I don't like what I have become.

A MRI wouldn't show anything. It is useful to diagnose brain bleedings, brain atrophy (=alzheimer), tumors. But it won't show scarce, brain cell damages.

I was very young. My brain was far from being fully developped. So I don't think I carried to much damage, if damage occured.
I know what you mean. But you've achieved far more than I have as far as a career goes - I could never do that and never will now at my age. I'll also never own a house or flat - that's inconceivable to me too.

I know I've been lucky in that I've had a fairly normal social life and marriage etc - especially when I was younger. That makes up for the other stuff which I don't really care about all that much. And I know it's easy for me to sit here and say that you have a lot to build on mate - but I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to you.
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post #30 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 02:10 PM
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I had some sense of panic attacks, but it started to get bad after my mother was hospitalized for her own mental issues - January 28, 1989 was my first significant panic attack. I was not yet 14, but I would have two nights a month when I would be up almost all night with panic attacks and not knowing what they were.


I got a bit better, but the panic attacks returned in college when I had big fears of failure (Christmas 1996 was another time where my panic was so bad that I was afraid to leave the house). I graduated in 1999.


Fast forward to 2002-2004, I faced two years of unemployment and was in a bad church that went their own way as a nondenominational church. Depression started to take its toll, and trying to make friends led to anxiety that was so bad I would derealize (again, not knowing it). That church tried to kick me out twice (incorrectly using Biblical doctrine) over my derealization, saying that I was "causing division in the church" - when I didn't even know people. I left in June 2004 and it's been a slow climb coming back to trusting people.

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post #31 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 02:14 PM
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I know what you mean. But you've achieved far more than I have as far as a career goes - I could never do that and never will now at my age. I'll also never own a house or flat - that's inconceivable to me too.

I know I've been lucky in that I've had a fairly normal social life and marriage etc - especially when I was younger. That makes up for the other stuff which I don't really care about all that much. And I know it's easy for me to sit here and say that you have a lot to build on mate - but I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to you.
It didn't help me at all. A few years ago, I thought that owning my home, making decent money etc. would somehow help improve my life. I honestly believed it. And 5 years after, I have completely lost any hope.

You can't buy happiness. I come from a very poor background. The little money my father made, he would spend it on drinking. As a child and teenager, I had nothing. I was on my own.

At least you got to have a family on your own. You said you had a son. No amount of money can buy you a son or a family. I would say (my point of view) that you are way more successful than I ever will.

The thing I wanted the most was to have a family on my own. I also know why. I somehow want to make up for that which I never had when I was a kid. A normal family. But seems like it isn't going to happen.

"Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist." ~ Our Lady of La Salette
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post #32 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 02:19 PM
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The ambulance came very fast and they were able to reanimate me.

I have always wondered if I didn't sustain brain damage because of this. I remained a few minutes without breathing. I guess I will never know. And the most surprising is that nobody ever stepped in. Nobody ever cared.
We have better words for this - revive ("bring back to life") or resuscitate ("restart breathing"). I don't want to offend, but those words sound so much better. You went through something traumatic and need big words


I know that I also hit my head in a pool enough to get a concussion, but I think the anxiety was already there. I had to have learned all of this anxiety and how I reacted to things.

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post #33 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 02:21 PM
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It didn't help me at all. A few years ago, I thought that owning my home, making decent money etc. would somehow help improve my life. I honestly believed it. And 5 years after, I have completely lost any hope.

You can't buy happiness. I come from a very poor background. The little money my father made, he would spend it on drinking. As a child and teenager, I had nothing. I was on my own.

The thing I wanted the most was to have a family on my own. I also know why. I somehow want to make up for that which I never had when I was a kid. A normal family. But seems like it isn't going to happen.
Never say never. I remember that myself. It takes the willingness to open up a bit. We know about the nerves so we'd have some understanding with other people.

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post #34 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 02:31 PM
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It didn't help me at all. A few years ago, I thought that owning my home, making decent money etc. would somehow help improve my life. I honestly believed it. And 5 years after, I have completely lost any hope.

You can't buy happiness. I come from a very poor background. The little money my father made, he would spend it on drinking. As a child and teenager, I had nothing. I was on my own.

At least you got to have a family on your own. You said you had a son. No amount of money can buy you a son or a family. I would say (my point of view) that you are way more successful than I ever will.

The thing I wanted the most was to have a family on my own. I also know why. I somehow want to make up for that which I never had when I was a kid. A normal family. But seems like it isn't going to happen.
As I say mate - I know it's easy for me to sit here and say these things to you - but 32 is still pretty young.

I really do wish I could help you. If you were in my city I'd ask you to come and have a coffee with me. Not that I could necessarily do much but it might help just to talk to someone about it.

We could even go to some meetups and I could give you some moral support so you could talk to the girls.
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post #35 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 02:40 PM
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As I say mate - I know it's easy for me to sit here and say these things to you - but 32 is still pretty young.

I really do wish I could help you. If you were in my city I'd ask you to come and have a coffee with me. Not that I could necessarily do much but it might help just to talk to someone about it.

We could even go to some meetups and I could give you some moral support so you could talk to the girls.
Would be nice indeed and I would accept your offer. You are a nice person and you spend a lot of time on this website trying to help others.

To bad you live like 16000-17000 km away from where I do

"Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist." ~ Our Lady of La Salette
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post #36 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 02:52 PM
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Would be nice indeed and I would accept your offer. You are a nice person and you spend a lot of time on this website trying to help others.

To bad you live like 16000-17000 km away from where I do
Who knows mate - I'm hoping to come to London again one day to have a look around. I was pretty crazy when I was there last time. Maybe we can meet up some time.

And yeah, I spend too much time on here really - it does provide me with a certain amount of support though and it gives me somewhere to talk about things with people. I really need to get a life again though soon.
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post #37 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 03:09 PM
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I think about this a lot. I don't know how I got my mental illness. Seems like it's always been apart of me. I was just 6 years old when I started having problems deciding on things. As life got harder so did my mental stress and frustration. Anxiety began around the 5th grade and gradually got worse until I suffered a breakdown.
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post #38 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 05:55 PM Thread Starter
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Well, I'm 61 so I guess I'm supposed to know what the meaning of life is by now. I don't really have anything mysterious or wonderful to say - but I think you're right about possessions not being important. For me the most important thing is my family - event though we all live separately now.

Is your wife supportive of you and your situation? It must be hard for you to have to keep fighting the depression all the time - that's horrible and I wish I could help you. I think I'm lucky in that I seem to have more problems with mania - although I do get down sometimes too.
i remember chatting with you many times harrison if theres one person on socialanxietysupport that i can relate the most then its you mate , because you have a family too , stay strong how do you deal with your bio polar
where you feel good and bad at the same time or where you sometimes feel good and sometimes feel bad , thats another struggle because you cant really predict if you are feeling good today , your brain makes that decision its kinda like a weather channel where you guess if its raining today or not , you already helped me by understanding my pain , you didnt ignore my message , that already shows that you helped me , my wife is very supportive and been there for me in good and bad times , she never leaves me ,no matter what happens, she took care of the family in those days where i didnt do anything shes also a pharmacist , how do you deal with your bio polar , i go to the gym alot and that is good too , or i like writing and painting too , i speak 3 languages
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post #39 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 09:33 PM
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Brain trauma from encephalitis when I was ten, and the recovery therein afterwards. I had lot of anxiety/avoidance issues after that which never went away. I don't really even know what I have, as I've never been to psychiatrist to be diagnosed. I have problems communicating and shutting down completely in some social situations--unable to speak.

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post #40 of 72 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 10:58 PM
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i remember chatting with you many times harrison if theres one person on socialanxietysupport that i can relate the most then its you mate , because you have a family too , stay strong how do you deal with your bio polar
where you feel good and bad at the same time or where you sometimes feel good and sometimes feel bad , thats another struggle because you cant really predict if you are feeling good today , your brain makes that decision its kinda like a weather channel where you guess if its raining today or not , you already helped me by understanding my pain , you didnt ignore my message , that already shows that you helped me , my wife is very supportive and been there for me in good and bad times , she never leaves me ,no matter what happens, she took care of the family in those days where i didnt do anything shes also a pharmacist , how do you deal with your bio polar , i go to the gym alot and that is good too , or i like writing and painting too , i speak 3 languages
Thanks a lot for that mate - yes, I can relate to your situation too. I think I just sort of take it one day at a time. Often I'll wake up feeling okay and then later I'll feel terrible, or like you say - it's almost like you feel good and bad at the same time. It's very strange but for the time being I'm okay.

Also I just started seeing this new psychiatrist - she put me straight onto Olanzipine. I'm not sure if I like it or not - it makes me pretty tired.

I'm glad your wife is like that - she sounds fantastic. My wife is actually like that too - even though we're separated now. If I needed her she would come straight away. It's good to have people in your life like that.

That's incredible your wife's a pharmacist like @EndTimes - must be very smart. And so are you if you can speak 3 languages.
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