Forgiveness vs Settling the Score - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-08-2020, 09:47 PM Thread Starter
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Forgiveness vs Settling the Score


So do you prefer forgiveness or Settling the Score for people who have treated you bad or done you wrong in some way?

I know a lot of people say forgiveness sets you free and benefits yourself. But when I think of some wrong things people have done to me I feel I need to get revenge and settle the score. Im also an atheist so I certainly dont think they will get punished in the next life and no God or anything is going to even the score for me. So to settle the score you have to get revenge yourself.


P.S. By the way im not planning on hurting anyone just a asking a hypothetical question on the way everyone looks at the situation
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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-08-2020, 11:34 PM
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I don't hold grudges. I never have. I don't think I've ever tried to get revenge on anyone. I get mad, then I get over it. But it's not like I go through some kind of struggle and then decide to forgive them; I just lose interest in whatever it was that they did and forget about it. So forgiving them seems kind of pointless and irrelevant to me unless they need me to forgive them (like if they were to apologize). When I say, "don't worry about it," I mean it, because I've already stopped worrying about it. But if someone wrongs me, I tend to cut them out of my life. That's not as some sort of punishment, but simply to protect myself so that it doesn't happen to me again. Ofc, that's not always possible (like with family).

I was raised atheist and don't believe in punishment after death. It has nothing to do with religion or morality for me. I just don't seem to be able to sustain interest in that kind of thing. I don't experience jealousy, either, so maybe it's related. I just don't get strong negative fixations on people. It actually kind of makes me feel like a weirdo, since so many people seem to.

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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-09-2020, 01:05 AM
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I'm in between. I don't necessarily forgive, but I don't find the hassle of planning revenge either. So really I will let it slide. If it comes to a situation where I encounter them to see them in distress and they needed help, I will probably refrain from helping them. Meanwhile in normal circumstances I will lend a helping hand. That will be as far as I will take it in terms of revenge.

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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-09-2020, 02:08 PM
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I used to hold grudges on others even for the most petty of things. But it's too time consuming and drains energy. I can forgive but will have the push come to shove at that given time if my buttons have been pushed for some time. I think people confuse forgiving and forgetting since we have to pick up on any bad interactions from individuals in order to protect ourselves if we come in contact with the experience again.
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-09-2020, 04:08 PM
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When someone is mean to me I remember it pretty much forever. Don't really take revenge just secretly hold grievance. Wish I were a bigger person that could just forgive and forget.
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-09-2020, 04:16 PM
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i forgive my friends. I dont forgive others or settle the score. I avoid people, remove them from my life if possible. I can hold a grudge for a long time when I am stuck with people (work and flatting). a lot of hatred and bad feelings. seldom act on those feelings. eventually they will be gone from my life. until then I use the super healthy technique of bottling up my feelings.

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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-09-2020, 07:30 PM
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It's easier just to move on. Revenge is a lot of work and emotional energy.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-09-2020, 08:45 PM
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99% of the time, I just stop thinking about it unless it was intentionally malicious. Like stuff from ages ago, I remember it but it barely registers on the emotion scale.

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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-09-2020, 08:51 PM
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I tend to internalize things, and start wondering if I had done something to deserve such treatment. It sucks, but that is just how my mind works. I am not vengeful, if someone says they are sorry about something I almost always forgive them, but I don't think anyone has done anything incredibly horrific to me to the point that it would be hard to forgive them. It is easy for me to say I'm not vengeful as the such, I have not had the same hardship some people have had at the hands of others.

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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-09-2020, 09:21 PM
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Some things cannot be forgiven. You just accept it happened, learn from it, and heal. I don't seek revenge. But I definitely walk away if it was that toxic.
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-09-2020, 09:31 PM
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Depends on what they did to me and if it was a one-time thing and they show they're actually remorseful and/or can change, or if they learned nothing and it could be ongoing. And also on whether I even get a chance at forgiveness or anything else. (I can't say I've ever "settled a score" with anyone, largely because of lack of opportunity and me just being no good at getting revenge. I can't claim I'm a decent person who would never seek revenge, I just know it would backfire spectacularly if I tried, and I would feel too guilty anyway. (If I express my hurt and somebody apologizes, I feel GUILTY for making them apologize even if I feel I deserved an apology! And then that person usually goes and hurts me again...etc. etc.) So for me it usually boils down to forgiveness, or simmering in anger and frustration.)

I had a "friend" who was a compulsive liar and ended up saying something to me that really, REALLY hurt. I broke it off with her. After a while I mentally forgave her, because the once in a while I ran into her in public, I could tell she genuinely had no idea what she'd done, or that she'd even done anything at all, to hurt me. (So for me to say aloud that I forgave her would probably have been offensive to her, like, "What did I even do that needs to be forgiven?") When she finally thought to ask about why I wouldn't hang out with her anymore and I told her, she was surprised--"You're still upset about THAT?" Like it was no big thing, when to me it had been a VERY painful and humiliating thing. That stung and reinforced my decision that breaking it off had been the best choice. But I really don't think she did any of that stuff with malicious intent. I think her mentality was rather childish and she just didn't know/understand the impact of what she did. So I forgave her, in my mind, but still refused to associate with her anymore.

That's probably the BEST outcome I ever had. Most broken friendships for me--which has been EVERY friendship I've ever had, but one--haven't had that kind of closure. There was never any real indication that the other party either realized or cared how they'd hurt me. And they never bothered reaching out to me again, so there was never any opportunity for forgiveness, moving on, or even an explanation. The rare occasion on which I reached out to them instead...just made it much worse, and proved they didn't give a **** how they'd hurt me after all.

I'm not a good/mature person. I can't just "forgive and forget" and move on without some sort of effort from the other party, which is never forthcoming. So my life is full of simmering anger and lack of closure because I have no other options. And it's also full of me wondering why such people ever pretended to be my friends in the first place if I meant so little to them.

I see internalizing was mentioned. I do that as well. This has been my experience so many times, I've always been the expendable "friend," and treated so awfully when I merely ask to understand why, that I figure I'm just a trash human being and I'm the common denominator in why these things always go wrong because I don't deserve any better. Doesn't mitigate the hurt, though.

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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-10-2020, 03:33 AM
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I don't actively try to get revenge but I don't forgive people who try and hurt me either. I get angry and then later write them off. If I have to be around them I'll tolerate them as much as is required but emotionally they're dead to me.

Online it's mostly transphobic stuff, one time someone said a bunch of **** to me and then came back years later and tried to add me as a friend, didn't apologise or anything. I didn't forget and I rejected the request (to be fair not sure I would have talked to them or anything anyway, I rarely do with people online and it's too awkward.) Especially online there's just no incentive to befriend people who belittle me, look down on me, or are just generally incompatible in terms of values etc.

edit: there are definitely hypothetical occasions where I might try and get revenge though, they just haven't happened.

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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-10-2020, 05:09 AM
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I've never actively seeked revenge I don't think, but I don't forgive easily either, depends on severity of the wrong, I'll brood & dwell on stuff alot, I'll never forget though.

I'll cut out or distance myself from people out who wrong me, they don't exist to me anymore, I can be really emotionally cold & stubborn given the right push, or passive aggressive through sarcasm, I'm normally more a fight when backed into a corner type.

I'm always aware though of fluidity of the human condition, maybe people do things out of conditioning, past trauma, or a spontaneous emotional response, mental state or stress, or whatever, it's always best to have an open mind.

There is bad people out there but everyone gets the benefit of the doubt till its 100% proven.






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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-10-2020, 08:35 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by aqwsderf View Post
Some things cannot be forgiven. You just accept it happened, learn from it, and heal. I don't seek revenge. But I definitely walk away if it was that toxic.
If some has hurt you and caused you life long emotional problems I dont think you can forgive. Im thinking of cases where there is actual abuse. Such as being in a relationship where you are being abused or severe physical bullying.

If you end up in therapy and have emotional issues your whole life due to it they have to pay and you have to even the score in my opinion if possible. Its not the most mature way to look at it and just turn the other cheek as they say but letting someone get away with it dosent help either. You have to make your own justice in this world because the universe or god is not going to fix it for you and right the wrong
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-10-2020, 01:52 PM
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Forgiveness - it doesn't mean that you condone their actions, but that you're wise enough to not let it affect you going forward. Retribution rarely gets you the desired impact without it backfiring somehow, and could cause you legal problems that affect the rest of your life. As the saying goes, 'be the bigger person and walk away' x

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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-10-2020, 04:49 PM
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God tells us to forgive so I will forgive and we all sin, some people probably weren't brought up well so they become very bad people. there was a guy in junior high when I was in gr. 9 who one day picked on me and it would've been funny if I said 'Don't pick on me! What if you knew that you were going to be punched in the face!' but as a Christian, which I wasn't at the time, I would have to see what I feel the Holy Spirit is telling me to do. I recently asked God to let the Holy Spirit tell me everything the truth. I should've been tough at that time like tell the teacher and had the right mind-set but I didn't learn that kind of thing also I felt devastated and bad bc I had a bad haircut where the hair-dresser scraped my hair and ruined the texture then but the hair-cut wasn't that bad by then, the texture was still bad but I think better by then too
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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 03:38 AM
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i used to hate some people from my past....i was bullied badly at high school for 3 yrs, and then from 16 on an associate of my friends group bullied me from 16 to 24....he was nasty and i hated him to the extent that i stalked him (yeah im embarrassed about that).....but the truth is i was never going to get even with him, what could i do, the biterness just *****ed me over.....i had to learn to forgive him, to put him out of my mind and in time yeah i did heal
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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 08:23 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by irishkarl View Post
i used to hate some people from my past....i was bullied badly at high school for 3 yrs, and then from 16 on an associate of my friends group bullied me from 16 to 24....he was nasty and i hated him to the extent that i stalked him (yeah im embarrassed about that).....but the truth is i was never going to get even with him, what could i do, the biterness just *****ed me over.....i had to learn to forgive him, to put him out of my mind and in time yeah i did heal

Yea I guess your right the getting revenge may not be the way to go. But also putting it out of my mind isnt easy either. Any tips on how to forget about it or put it out of your mind?
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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 08:29 AM
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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by chrisinmd View Post
If some has hurt you and caused you life long emotional problems I dont think you can forgive. Im thinking of cases where there is actual abuse. Such as being in a relationship where you are being abused or severe physical bullying.

If you end up in therapy and have emotional issues your whole life due to it they have to pay and you have to even the score in my opinion if possible. Its not the most mature way to look at it and just turn the other cheek as they say but letting someone get away with it dosent help either. You have to make your own justice in this world because the universe or god is not going to fix it for you and right the wrong
I think seeking justice if it was a situation that was criminal in nature makes sense.

But if it's a personal grievance, I would just eliminate that person from my life and would not waste another breath on them.
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