♎ Mackinac Island Fanatic
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: At the bottom of Lake Algonquin (Michigan)
Depends on what they did to me and if it was a one-time thing and they show they're actually remorseful and/or can change, or if they learned nothing and it could be ongoing. And also on whether I even get a chance at forgiveness or anything else. (I can't say I've ever "settled a score" with anyone, largely because of lack of opportunity and me just being no good at getting revenge. I can't claim I'm a decent person who would never seek revenge, I just know it would backfire spectacularly if I tried, and I would feel too guilty anyway. (If I express my hurt and somebody apologizes, I feel GUILTY for making them apologize even if I feel I deserved an apology! And then that person usually goes and hurts me again...etc. etc.) So for me it usually boils down to forgiveness, or simmering in anger and frustration.)
I had a "friend" who was a compulsive liar and ended up saying something to me that really, REALLY hurt. I broke it off with her. After a while I mentally forgave her, because the once in a while I ran into her in public, I could tell she genuinely had no idea what she'd done, or that she'd even done anything at all, to hurt me. (So for me to say aloud that I forgave her would probably have been offensive to her, like, "What did I even do that needs to be forgiven?") When she finally thought to ask about why I wouldn't hang out with her anymore and I told her, she was surprised--"You're still upset about THAT?" Like it was no big thing, when to me it had been a VERY painful and humiliating thing. That stung and reinforced my decision that breaking it off had been the best choice. But I really don't think she did any of that stuff with malicious intent. I think her mentality was rather childish and she just didn't know/understand the impact of what she did. So I forgave her, in my mind, but still refused to associate with her anymore.
That's probably the BEST outcome I ever had. Most broken friendships for me--which has been EVERY friendship I've ever had, but one--haven't had that kind of closure. There was never any real indication that the other party either realized or cared how they'd hurt me. And they never bothered reaching out to me again, so there was never any opportunity for forgiveness, moving on, or even an explanation. The rare occasion on which I reached out to them instead...just made it much worse, and proved they didn't give a **** how they'd hurt me after all.
I'm not a good/mature person. I can't just "forgive and forget" and move on without some sort of effort from the other party, which is never forthcoming. So my life is full of simmering anger and lack of closure because I have no other options. And it's also full of me wondering why such people ever pretended to be my friends in the first place if I meant so little to them.
I see internalizing was mentioned. I do that as well. This has been my experience so many times, I've always been the expendable "friend," and treated so awfully when I merely ask to understand why, that I figure I'm just a trash human being and I'm the common denominator in why these things always go wrong because I don't deserve any better. Doesn't mitigate the hurt, though.
If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.
(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)
Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."
(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )
"No canoes...no maple sugar...this place is horribly uncivilized."--Manabozho, Escape From Manitou Island