Are you Rejected Straight Up Or After Long Interactions? - Social Anxiety Forum
View Poll Results: Are you Rejected Straight Up Or After Long Interactions?
Straight up. People hate me the moment they see me. 9 27.27%
After long interactions. I think that there is something wrong with my personality. 9 27.27%
I never get rejected. Most of time that is... 4 12.12%
Both 11 33.33%
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post #1 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Are you Rejected Straight Up Or After Long Interactions?


When you encounter new people in your life are you usually rejected straight up or after long interactions while they get to know you?

Rejection is hurtful no matter what and can lead to serious psychological scaring if it happens on a constant basis. I also believe that the two types of rejections can affect people's self esteem quite differently.

For example:


If one is treated rudely and given dirty looks by strangers the moment one walks out the door without having a conversation or exchange of ideas, can only lead one to be believe that the culprit lies within one's physical appearance. The individual that faces this kind of rejection on a constant basis then becomes self aware of her and his appearance and will shape her or his self-esteem in accordance to these negative interactions. The last bastion of self-worth then becomes personality. "I am sure that you would like me, if only you would get to know me" or "I have a lot in my mind and I got a lot to offer" type of deal.



Fortunately, the media and the corporations that shape society have found that tapping into these type of insecurities is quite profitable. It is called "product massification". What better way to market your soap/magazine/make-up than by feigning altruistic motives through "alternative beauty" promotion. The individual suffering from low self-esteem due to physical appearance becomes a receptor to all these promotional images and gains a bit of self-worth ( and buys that company's product along the way). What I am trying to say that although not for altruistic motives society at least tries to address physical acceptance.

Conversely, imagine that you're superficially treated nicely. The moment you walk out your door you are greeted by friendly smiles and gestures that acknowledge your presence in a welcoming matter (or in the worst situation you get catcalled). Sounds great at first, now imagine being welcomed and invited into social groups and cliques and that people start shunning you as they get to know you. Imagine accidentally walking into this social circle without them realizing your presence and you start hearing them to talk about you behind your back. "'insert name' is such a loser! " "'insert is so shy and weird". "'insert name' has weird mannerisms'". " 'insert name' is good for a f00 ck but nothing serious". You start feeling used and immediately start to think that the only thing that you got to offer is your body. And that there is something inherently wrong with you as an individual. In short you are an empty shell of a person; you might have a physical body but you got nothing inside, or at least nothing than anyone else would want.



Unfortunately, unlike the first example, there is no way for society or corporations to profit from your grief. Scratch that! You become the butt of jokes in movies and commercials. They are not laughing with you, they are laughing at you. The only words of comfort you hear are that "you should try to change your personality". As if that were easy to someone in the autistic spectrum or not neurotypical for that matter.

It is a sucky situation no matter what.

Personally I've been in both situations. But if I were to quantify the number of occurrences I would say that the latter (being rejected after people get to know me) vastly surpasses the first case. When applying for jobs employers show great interest in my profile and past accomplishments, but once I interview with them I never hear back from them (I can answer technical questions pertaining to the job but stumble with interpersonal questions. I also exhibit nervous tics and mannerisms which I cannot control). I've been in online dates ( I have no group of friend in real life so it is not like I can be introduced to new people "the way normal people do") where the other person tells me after a couple of dates that there is no future between us as I am " too different". I have also been in two dates that resulted in one night stands that led no where and left me feeling used and dirty. Sometimes I feel as if my life consisted of physically climbing a steep hill with a boulder wrapped around my back while the rest of the people I know are cruising in a 4x4 all the way to the top.

Lastly, how do you deal with your rejection?

"Existence well what does it matter?
I exist on the best terms I can
The past is now part of my future,
The present is well out of hand"

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post #2 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 11:46 AM
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Sometimes straight up but just as often it's been after getting to know me. Some people actually assumed I was normal when first talking to me lol. I do think I'm more bothered by my sense of self than my appearance (though that's more complicated and variable.) Also saying that people often criticised my style/presentation as well over the years and it didn't make me dislike those things. If anything it probably made me double down on it so I think that's another way people react sometimes to criticism they either agree or go in the complete opposite '**** you' direction.

I think you have to reach a point where you realise you are weird, but that being weird is OK.

It might be cynical but society obviously profits from the second one you mentioned via therapy and selling you medication. Then when those fail to help, people get desperate and turn to weird alternative medicines like sticking stickers that promote mental well being on themselves or whatever.

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post #3 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 12:50 PM
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I've dealt with both, but it does happen after someone gets to know me more frequently. It's extremely painful emotionally, and the more times it happens, the less I let people in to begin with. People often just ghost me, and I sit here beating myself up wondering why I'm such a disposable person. I mean I know I'm not an easy person to know or like, but many other people aren't either, and they seem to be able to hold onto friends far more easily than I can. I think I do have some things to offer, but those things don't seem to be valued by most people. Even when I think I've made some kind of connection with other "weirdos" they often abandon me. I guess the universe is trying to tell me (repeatedly) that I am meant to be totally alone, and I should learn to accept that. One would think I'd be numb to the pain of repeated rejection by now, but I never get used to it.

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post #4 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 12:57 PM
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I pretty much reject them straight away if they're in a stressy area of my life eg colleagues or flatmates (maybe not straight away, but the tension is never relieved since i never talk, so it is uncomfortable and its not a situation i can just leave, which i don't like, so i generally don't like them).

everyone else, there's nothing to reject, again because i don't talk to them. meetup is the only thing I meet people at. either I continue to see them at meetups or I don't. we make small talk perhaps, though it makes me uncomfortable. the ones i have been seeing for a long time, this is less uncomfortable and i want to talk to them but i don't know how, or its not in my nature to just do it.

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post #5 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 01:22 PM
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Both happens. But the opposite also happens, where some people like me right away or grow to like me after a while.

Overall my social interaction is very minimal, so it's a small sample size.
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post #6 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 01:25 PM
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Rarely straight up, sometimes after longer interactions when people dig a bit & got to see I'm kind of an oddball & have views on things that are not really the norm.

After a few bad experiences with people when I was younger I rarely let people past acquaintance level anyway, I figure most times it's just hassle I don't need, so I pre-emptively reject myself.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #7 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 02:00 PM
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I dont even think most people give me a chance to even get to know me. So they pretty much hate me once they see me and it really has done some damage to me. I still get skittish around people but I think that's also cause of emotional and physical trauma. But it's whatever. I'm just trying to live my life I guess.

No one even gives me a chance to be their friend and when I try to talk to people they get snippy with me. So I gave up. That snippiness makes me uncomfortable no matter who it comes from whether it's a girl or a guy and no matter what age. I dont know if it's a minor form of PTSD or what. Sometimes I go quiet for long periods of time without saying a word to anyone.
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post #8 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 02:08 PM
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I'm not 100% on the definition of the term, I'd say I'm much more likely to get myself 'rejected' by just avoiding people who I think I have irked or annoyed. I rarely have any undeniable proof in those situations. I have zero abilities to read body language or other social cues, so once I get the question of 'am I being annoying' into my brain, it never really goes away until I stop caring. But, these days I just let it ride. If I'm bothering somebody, it's their job to tell me. Lo and behold, haven't felt 'rejected' in a very long time.

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post #9 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 02:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue2 View Post
Rarely straight up, sometimes after longer interactions when people dig a bit & got to see I'm kind of an oddball & have views on things that are not really the norm.

After a few bad experiences with people when I was younger I rarely let people past acquaintance level anyway, I figure most times it's just hassle I don't need, so I pre-emptively reject myself.

Pretty much sums me up.

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post #10 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 02:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PurplePeopleEater View Post
I dont even think most people give me a chance to even get to know me. So they pretty much hate me once they see me and it really has done some damage to me. I still get skittish around people but I think that's also cause of emotional and physical trauma. But it's whatever. I'm just trying to live my life I guess.

No one even gives me a chance to be their friend and when I try to talk to people they get snippy with me. So I gave up. That snippiness makes me uncomfortable no matter who it comes from whether it's a girl or a guy and no matter what age. I dont know if it's a minor form of PTSD or what. Sometimes I go quiet for long periods of time without saying a word to anyone.

sounds very similar to me

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post #11 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 02:22 PM
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This is kind of hard to answer because I don't know if I ever paid much attention or wanted to be truly accepted. Mostly I found the social activities other people do to be boring and annoying so I was pretty happy to fly under whatever radar was there to alert them to asking me to do this or that. Like mostly (when I was growing up) sports were just expected guy things. If you had male friends, you talked about sports. I was just "Nope. Nope". I didn't watch them. I didn't like to play them and I didn't care about them.

I guess you have to have something in common with people to want to be included or accepted or whatever. I was always happy enough to go off by myself and do something.

But yeah. I did have a little bit of that initially. Other kids didn't "reject" me right away but eventually did. I guess because I was boring in many cases. But sometimes because I didn't know how to act in a group. If I got pulled into a group, it was usually by one person who I had befriended. I would pretty much ignore the rest of the people because I didn't make friends with that person to be automatically inducted into their groups. So there would be this weird thing where I would only interact with the person I initially made friends with.
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post #12 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 04:19 PM
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sounds very similar to me
That sucks. :/ I researched online that autistic people can go hours if not days without talking to anyone. So I think it's maybe moreso autism than PTSD. Or it could be both.
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post #13 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 04:35 PM
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I come across as friendly and nice. People don't reject me per say. I think I'm just so avoidant that I distance myself from everyone and that would make people not want to pursue you.
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post #14 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 04:45 PM
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If I got pulled into a group, it was usually by one person who I had befriended. I would pretty much ignore the rest of the people because I didn't make friends with that person to be automatically inducted into their groups. So there would be this weird thing where I would only interact with the person I initially made friends with.
This rings very, very familiar. But I would try to interact with the others, but it seemed they were just waiting for it to be over or tolerating it, until said initial person showed up again. I was mostly relieved when it happened too, so the onus was off of my shoulders. But I felt guilty too, and awkward and wondered why it is this way.

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post #15 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 05:14 PM
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Most people reject me on sight. I suspect it's a combination of physical appearance (ugly), social status (dress like a bum), awkwardness (anxiety), and gender nonconformity. I'm quite used to expressions of disgust, distaste, or contempt on the faces of strangers, though, ofc, most seem largely indifferent. I don't recall offhand any positive reactions from people who don't know me.

I do go out of my way to be pleasant, friendly, and reassuring in my interactions, so I don't think it's my demeanor that puts people off (I'm never cold or rude and smile a lot), just my appearance. Over time, with enough interaction, some people lose that disgust and become indifferent; very rarely, they may become friendly.

Many people who have been forced to interact with me on a regular basis (fellow students, coworkers, roommates, etc.), and who have gotten to know me, have warmed up to me, so I've always been able to make friends eventually if given the right environment. I've never really been sexually attractive to anyone, though, which makes relationships a lot harder to find.

Is it just me or is it getting crazier out there.
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post #16 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post

It might be cynical but society obviously profits from the second one you mentioned via therapy and selling you medication. Then when those fail to help, people get desperate and turn to weird alternative medicines like sticking stickers that promote mental well being on themselves or whatever.

https://goop.com/wellness/mindfulnes...ealing-really/
Wearable stickers? Whaaaat?

I died when I read that

Is that some sort of autosuggestion/placebo kind of treatment? I don't know why but this made me laugh so hard. Thanks Persephone I needed a good laugh.


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Originally Posted by SamanthaStrange View Post
I guess the universe is trying to tell me (repeatedly) that I am meant to be totally alone, and I should learn to accept that. One would think I'd be numb to the pain of repeated rejection by now, but I never get used to it.
I know that pain all too well. Your comment kind of ties with my post about fate.

https://www.socialanxietysupport.com...-real-2230827/

It is really hard to find meaning to one's suffering. Humans are good at identifying patterns. And when suffering is constantly caused by outside factors without initial input or fault of our own one starts to explain that irrational pattern through metaphysical elements such as predestination, religion, universal order, etc... sometimes I wonder if there is nothing. Is there a reason to keep going? I struggle with those thoughts constantly.

Also you can count on this weirdo. I'll be your drinking buddy to your health Sam!


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I'm not 100% on the definition of the term, I'd say I'm much more likely to get myself 'rejected' by just avoiding people who I think I have irked or annoyed. I rarely have any undeniable proof in those situations. I have zero abilities to read body language or other social cues, so once I get the question of 'am I being annoying' into my brain, it never really goes away until I stop caring.
That's pretty much social anxiety. I am also in a constant state of paranoia when I go through social situations. I misinterpret social cues and take things too personal. Even when people are nice to me I immediately think that they are lying or have ulterior motives.

Sometimes I wonder if my Social Anxiety is a form of externalization of my personality. In other words, I think that everyone is judging me because I myself am so judgemental

Quite terrifying....

"Existence well what does it matter?
I exist on the best terms I can
The past is now part of my future,
The present is well out of hand"

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post #17 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 05:29 PM
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Usually starts off positive then tapers off. Either I'm misinterpreting the initial interactions or I'm just boring asf.

I'm not really hung up on it, really. I just gotta find something that makes me tick.

The world is not my home. I'm just passing through.
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post #18 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 06:04 PM
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Wearable stickers? Whaaaat?

I died when I read that

Is that some sort of autosuggestion/placebo kind of treatment? I don't know why but this made me laugh so hard. Thanks Persephone I needed a good laugh.
Yeah I mean it's not going to work beyond the placebo effect. It's Gwyneth Paltrow's company. They seem to be in competition with themselves to design the most ridiculous product. There's a psychic vampire deterrent mist and just a bunch of stupid stuff. It's all really over priced too. A lot of it's stupid and does nothing, some of it's actually unhealthy/dangerous like vaginal steaming and some jade egg that you're supposed to put in your vagina. They were fined $172,000 for that one but afaik they're still selling them. Now there's a Netflix documentary coming out promoting them..

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post #19 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 06:09 PM Thread Starter
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Yeah I mean it's not going to work beyond the placebo effect. It's Gwyneth Paltrow's company. They seem to be in competition with themselves to design the most ridiculous product. There's a psychic vampire deterrent mist and just a bunch of stupid stuff. A lot of it's stupid and does nothing, some of it's actually unhealthy/dangerous like vaginal steaming and some jade egg that you're supposed to put in your vagina. They were fined $172,000 for that one but afaik they're still selling them. Now there's a Netflix documentary coming out promoting them..

"Existence well what does it matter?
I exist on the best terms I can
The past is now part of my future,
The present is well out of hand"

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post #20 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 09:16 PM
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