Lois: We have to figure out a way to fix us, and I don't mean just now because we're always going to have hard times. We have to figure out a way to get through this without us killing each other.
Hal: Well, I'm open to suggestions.
Lois: Okay, here's what we're going to do. You're going to tell me three-- no, five-- no, seven! I want you to tell me seven things you love about me. Seven reasons why this is all worthwhile. Seven reasons why we're still here.
Lois: Seven. And I have to believe every one of them and you have to say them all right now.
Lois: Oh please. Just do it.
Hal: Okay okay okay. I love...I love how your neck smells in the morning.
Lois: Okay, that's one.
Hal: I love how every one of your toes looks like it came from another person's foot. And I love how you're honest and fearless and how when I'm sick you treat me like a baby.
Lois: Okay that last one counts for two. You got three more to go.
Lois: Okay I can tell you that I adore this. The way your forehead gets all crinkly when you're worried.
Hal: And I love the way you cut your crust off your toast even though you end up eating both anyway.
Lois: I love your loyalty and your kindness and that you still suck in your gut whenever I walk into the room.
Hal: I love how you didn't dump me when you found out I was in love with you.
Lois: I love that you still married me even after you met my parents.
Hal: I love that nothing in my life is complete till I've shared it with you.
Agent Cooper (flat on back with bullet in belly): All things considered, being shot is not as bad as I always thought it might be, as long as you can keep the fear from your mind. Though I guess that's true of most things in life. It's not so bad as long as you can keep the fear from your mind.
Woodsman: This is the water, and this is the well. Drink full and descend. The horse is the white of the eyes, and dark within.
Bradley: What the fvck kind of neighborhood is this?
Rodney: People are under a lot of stress, Bradley.
Sarah Palmer (face removed): Do you really wanna fvck with this?!
From "The Hard Times of RJ Berger" (RJ's crush, the most popular cheerleader, has broken up with her boyfriend and RJ is consulting the gym coach/guidance counselor):
RJ: I just can't help but wonder who she might be with next.
Coach: Well it could be anybody.
Coach: Sure. Anybody but you. Berger, as your guidance counselor, it is incumbent upon me to say that I got about as much chance of getting up in Beyoncé's guts as you do of getting with that piece of A-double-S.
RJ: I guess you're right.
Coach: Oh, don't get all hangdog on me, Berger. Doesn't mean you can't have a one in a million shot at achieving your dreams. (Holds up lottery scratcher.) For instance, my dream is turning five dollars into five thousand. (Scratches lottery card and looks at it.) I don't believe it.
RJ: What, you won?!
Coach: No, I lost. Just like I lose every day. And that, Berger, is life. You want dreams? Take a nap! Consider yourself guidanced.
"I hate so much about the things you choose to be"
"I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you’ve actually left them.”
"Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
"Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, which was just to wait. For a really long time that’s all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that I was waiting for my wife.”
Ben Stiller - What?
Andy Milman - Nobody.
Ben Stiller- Exactly. And who am I?
Andy Milman - Either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.
Ben Stiller - Was that supposed to be funny?
Andy Milman - You tell me, you were in it.
Ross Kemp: I mean, do you know what that stands for? Andy: SAS? Special Air Service. Ross Kemp: What? Andy: Special Air Service, innit? Ross Kemp: It doesn’t stand for that Andy: Doesn’t it? Ross Kemp: I’ve talked to actual SAS people, they’ve told me what it stands for. Andy: What does it stand for then? Ross Kemp: Super army soldiers. Andy: (Laughs) You sure? Ross Kemp: Yeah I mean, actual SAS people have told me that, the actual guys themselves and they should know. Andy: They aren’t winding you up? Ross Kemp: They wouldn’t do that to one of their own.
Al Bundy: So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered-down Tang and still-frozen Pop-Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas, and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. 'Cause, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be are still out there being what we don't want to be forty hours a week for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a WINNER!!
Cory to Topanga: “Ever since I was young, I never understood anything in the world, and I never understood anything that happened in my life, the only thing that ever made sense to me was you and how I felt about you. That’s all I’ve ever known and that’s enough for me, for the rest of my life."
Cory: "I don't understand anything about my entire life."
Erlich: He and his roommates used to live down the hall. I used to party in their room all the time. Uh, kind of a mentor-mentee sort of thing.
Gilfoyle: Coming from a manatee sort of thing.
Erlich: You look like a ferret that gave up on himself six months ago, Gilfoyle.
Originally Posted by YouTube comment
Yet another man lost to irony poisoning, cynicism, hyper-self awareness and the inability to be sincere.
George Costanza: Jerry?
Cheryl: I'm very attracted to him.
George: You think the person you were talking to is him?! That's not even close to him! He's funny! Jerry's funny!
Cheryl: He never said anything funny.
George: He can't not be funny.
Cheryl: No, no, no, he's dark . . . and disturbed.
George: Dark and disturbed?! His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal!
Cheryl: What kind of a friend are you?
George: I convinced him to act like that so you would think I was funnier! That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed! You can't find sickness like that anywhere. You think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody! He's pretending, I'm the genuine article!
Cheryl: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?
George: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm SICK!!! I'm the one that needs help!
Cheryl: I gotta go.
George: Well should I call you later?
Cheryl: Please don't.
George: But, but, I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I GOT IT ALL!
Female student: "No. That’s exactly what Mark Zuckerberg did to the Winklevi in that Facebook movie Professor Bighetti had us watch. And he was the hero of that film."
Male student: "And with all of us working together, we’ll easily beat you to market."
Erlich: "So that’s how it goes, huh? You steal a man’s idea, rendering his company worthless? I’ve read a number of disparaging articles about your generation, in The Atlantic and Slate.com summaries. It’s all true. Trigger warning: ***** you!"
Richard: It's up. All of Melcher's data is there.
Jared: How is that possible?
Dinesh: What are those devices? Those aren't phones.
Dinesh: Why the **** are you laughing? You look ****ing insane right now.
Gilfoyle: Look at that OUI prefixes in these MAC addresses.
Richard: Yeah, okay, so what are those?
Gilfoyle: Smart fridges. About 30,000 of them.
Jared: Come again?
Gilfoyle: Jian-Yang's smart fridge must have been self-correcting. In order to fit my "Suck it, Jian-Yang" video onto his fridge, I had to add Pied Piper libraries to the firmware. Other smart fridges must've seen this as an update.
Dinesh: The smart fridges talk to each other, and they share the new software.
Gilfoyle: Right, so when we put that data onto Anton, the last thing he did before he died was back himself up onto a huge network of smart fridges. Anton died so we could live.