The desire to have children - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 03:16 AM Thread Starter
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The desire to have children


Did any of you always want children when you were growing up? In my heart I've always felt that raising a family was the end of a good life. As much as I try to tell myself that there's other purposes to life, and that I'd be a terrible parent, it still pains me deeply that I will die without a wife and children. This is one instinct or emotion within me that I can't reason myself out of. It is an endless cause of envy and destroyer of my peace of mind. I would ask how to let it go, but I don't want to let it go... it's been with me ever since I can remember. Just wondering if anyone else can relate?
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post #2 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 03:27 AM
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It's funny, I really wanted children when I was younger. I thought that I was "supposed to" want them, though. Like I couldn't even imagine myself NOT wanting kids because I thought that would be "bad." The culture I grew up in put HUGE importance on getting married and having children -- even for people who really can't afford them, which is a damn shame. And people told me that I was good with kids, though I don't really know about that.

Now that I'm older I really don't want kids at all. I mean for one thing I've gotten a better grasp of just how much time, effort and money they take, from looking at all of my cousins and many old friends as they had these HUGE families. Then I consider all the starving children in this world and wonder why in holy hell I'd ever want to add one more. Plus the fact that this world is so incredibly ****ed up and I cannot imagine forcing a whole new life to go through it. I've obviously got a lot of problems, including mental illnesses -- and those are genetic. How could I risk passing them on? And then there's the terrible possibility that I could have a child with a severe disability, like one of my cousin's kids who has down syndrome. I know for a fact that I couldn't deal with that.

Maybe it's all selfishness and fear -- whatever. In any case I'm perfectly content to have only MYSELF to look out for in this life, because I do a poor enough job of that! Ain't no way I could care for an entire family. I truly believe that some people would be far better off NEVER having children, and I happen to be one of them.

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post #3 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 04:08 AM
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I do kind of want kids but on second thought, there's no one in this world that wants to have kids with me.
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post #4 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 04:42 AM
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no. i think i'll only have kids if it's on accident or if i suddenly decide to have them.

i always thought i'd be a bad parent, though.
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post #5 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 06:06 AM
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I feel obliged to have a son because I have to "carry on the family name" and ****, although personally I don't really want a one. I think every parent wants their kids to become something special -- like an astronaut, a movie star, a lawyer, a doctor, a revolutionary etc. -- but very few ever actually become like this. Most just grow up to be nothing special at all, just like all the other kids; worse still some grow up to be Minecraft let's players lol.

Having a kid will just drop them headfirst into the dystopian world we live in today, and overpopulate the world every more. **** that.
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post #6 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 06:26 AM
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Eh, once maybe.

But I would rather leave that to other people who actually enjoy doing tasks and things. My sister has children and she has to just do stuff all day. Literally all day she is moving about doing things.

What kind of life is that?
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post #7 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 06:31 AM
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Maybe I will just end up looking after lots of dogs. Close enough.

Doesn't look like anything to me
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post #8 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 06:33 AM
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To have little black holes ?, no thanks lol


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post #9 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 06:43 AM
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I have a son. He's 23 and I love him more than anything - but I also realise I would have had a lot more trouble raising him if there was no such thing as medication.

I've had a lifetime of mental health problems - social anxiety and bipolar disorder, so I've had lots of periods of unemployment. In a way that was good - we spent a lot of time together and we have a very close bond that will never be broken. I wish I had 5 more just like him. Kids are wonderful - but you're right OP, they're exhausting. The rewards are extraordinary though.

And @splendidbob - I still haven't quite gotten over that new avatar.
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post #10 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 07:18 AM
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I was discussing parenthood with a friend of mine who has a one year old. We both had similar style parents (they meant well, provided material stuff, but were very pushy, quite cold, and often irrational). He was worried he would go too far in the other direction (too relaxed). But I think he will be an excellent dad.

It is a difficult thing though, you have the responsibility of effectively moulding a person, and shaping what they will become and how they will be able to cope in the world. It is a massive responsibility that would terrify me.

@don it sounds like you were / are an awesome Dad. That you have a strong bond with your son pretty much guarantees you did a good job with the important stuff, imo
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post #11 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 07:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by splendidbob View Post
I was discussing parenthood with a friend of mine who has a one year old. We both had similar style parents (they meant well, provided material stuff, but were very pushy, quite cold, and often irrational). He was worried he would go too far in the other direction (too relaxed). But I think he will be an excellent dad.

It is a difficult thing though, you have the responsibility of effectively moulding a person, and shaping what they will become and how they will be able to cope in the world. It is a massive responsibility that would terrify me.

@don it sounds like you were / are an awesome Dad. That you have a strong bond with your son pretty much guarantees you did a good job with the important stuff, imo
Thanks mate - I think I did a reasonable job. My son knows I love him and we're very close. That says a lot I think.

I didn't really think about it while I was doing it - I just did what I felt was right. I tried my best to be honest with him and he knew about things I was struggling with - all the pills etc. He even knew about a relationship I got involved with recently. He said it sounded too good to be true - and he was right. It was.
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post #12 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 11:14 AM
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no, but im warming up to the idea. it would be nice to care for someone and see what kind of person they become.
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post #13 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 11:53 AM
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i wish i could.

"everything that lives exists in pairs and propagates descendants, but I am alone. I want now to travel and to seek a wife of my own kind; I wish to measure my strength against my kind; I want to become acquainted with men—to live according to the manner of men. Do not deny me thy blessing; I do humbly pray. I bow my head and bend my knee."
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post #14 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 03:16 PM
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Yeah, I guess I'm at that age now but I would like a family to settle down with.
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post #15 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 07:33 PM
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Life without children exhausts me, I can only imagine with children. Maybe if I could peer through the portals of time and know for certain that me and my wife and child would all get along and live happily ever after, then I would make more of an effort to have kids. But as it stands right now, this world has seems to be devolving into a cesspool of anger and madness, and I don't feel inclined to bring another soul into this world.


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post #16 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 08:46 PM
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I have always wanted to have children, but as time has moved on, I don't think that will ever be a possibility. And seeing as the world has changed quite a lot in such a short space of time, I don't think it would be fair now.

Sent from my computer using my fingers.

Slowly getting there, I think...
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post #17 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 09:25 PM
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Even as a child I always felt that procreation was wrong. The usual reason people (purposely) have children is because they think it was make them happy, and it probably does make the parents happy to some extent. But what about the child? They don't get any choice in whether or not they would like to be born.

I wish my parents never had any children, but unfortunately the thought whether I would want to come into existence never even crossed their minds. If they wanted kids so much, they should have just adopted some that were already born and were in need of caring parents.
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post #18 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 11:41 PM
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I think it would be interesting to teach a child new things. I enjoy teaching. There is a lot of risk with having children though. They might have birth defects or get into a catastrophic accident. That's rather scary. Many birth defects you can detect during pregnancy but many you can not. I'm very healthy physically but mentally not the best. I'm afraid if I have kids they might have autism since I have some tendencies in that direction. My worst nightmare is to become a carer of a severely disabled child that I couldn't put to sleep or whatever.

I have been pregnant before and I don't think I could work during that time since I have severe morning sickness. I'm also sensitive to loud noise so I don't know how I would react chronic crying. I might shake the kid or put tape over their mouth if they made too much noise. Even with the cats I had in the past I trained them not to make lots of meow meow meow noise while "mommy" is sleeping. I don't take well to having my sleep disturbed.

If I think about it theoretically, it makes no sense to have children since the world is already overpopulated. Adoption I would not be keen on since kids that are up for adoption may have been abused or exposed to all sort of drugs during pregnancy. And they may have risky genetics. I enjoy cats a lot so that may be enough to fulfill my maternal instincts. Might get one small dog too.
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post #19 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 12:56 AM
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I used to like the idea of having a child with someone I was in love with, and teaching them things and such. But I also thought it'd be cool to have a genetic child with someone, and see how our traits and such mixed but that's not a good reason lool. But anyway I didn't like the idea of being pregnant/giving birth so I'd think a lot about that, and the possibility of getting a surrogate but that seemed unrealistic and having someone else involved through the whole process would be awkward. On top of that I have too many issues, I wouldn't want to have children too late, risk of genetic stuff goes up with age, not freezing eggs (that's very expensive.) And adoption never really seemed appealing to me. And all of this was only really appealing if I found someone I really cared about too and who cared about me, kind of a package deal so that made it even more unlikely. I'd want to be at a certain stage financially/mentally of course and my life has been in a state of limbo for quite some time now, and is likely to continue that way for a while. I'd also want to travel and having children conflicts with that.

But I don't think I thought about this while growing up tbh (and indeed I had no idea what sex was/how babies were made until late childhood anyway,) just a few times in early(/ier) adulthood I pondered.

I suppose I think that this is a fundamental Human experience that I'll be missing out on, and that's upsetting to me sometimes, I worry that I'll regret it, but I have too many problems that are in the way.

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post #20 of 72 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 01:11 AM
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I was afraid of getting pregnant when I was a kid. At the time, I didn't understand that I couldn't.

I grew up in a big family. I wanted to have kids. I still want to have kids, even though I can't. I used to read to my little brother, and I had to babysit my sisters all the time. I have stupid daydreams about raising kids all the time. I probably would have had 3 or 4. I think I would have enjoyed it a lot. Both my parents love kids, and I guess I got the same genes. I feel like I was wired to be a good parent. But I stay away from kids IRL because I look like a creep and I know how people think. I tell everyone I don't like kids. Lol.

I'm glad I couldn't have kids, though. With my genetics they probably would have turned out to be twisted little monsters like me. I'd adopt (my parents did that, too) but I'd never be accepted. And I can't afford to have kids anyway. It's just another huge regret in my pile of huge regrets.

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