I came here to vent too and exist as well. I donít ever see things getting better for myself either. They have a blog section if you ever feel like utilizing it, it feels nice to vent your frustrations when thereís nowhere else on the forum you feel like venting. You can apparently even turn commenting off. I saw you clicked my profile and checked out your posts, hope you like it here. Some people are nice around here.
I can relate to that part of choking up, when in social situations and I have conversations I tend to get teary eyed and my voice starts to crack. Itís easier just avoiding social situations altogether for myself, but Iím going to try and make friends soon. Why would you rather be on your own instead of having the friends you do have now? Iím having trouble understanding that, is it hard on you to have them as friends? I remember when I had friendships it was very exhausting on me emotionally to keep up with them, but now I wish for them back. In the end we drifted apart and donít speak anymore. What kind of movies and music are you into?
I get teary eyes often especially when I need to talk about myself but I fight back the tears every time (luckily).
I have always been a loner, as a kid I had fun on my own. I prefer doing everything on my own from taking walks to watching a film or just sitting in the sofa. The friends I have are all very very successful in life, I don't feel like I belong to that group, I don't like being around them anymore, they grew up, I didn't. They are the exact opposite of me. They like to do stuff, going on trips, have dinners etc. I feel way too insecure to do those things plus I just don't feel like doing it, I'm very boring. I have drifted away from them but we still meet up 2 or 3 times a year.
I also feels this enormous amount of pressure as if I can't live up to other peoples expectations. In social gatherings I'm afraid to bore people, I never know what to talk about. In my teens I often acted like a clown so people would laugh, after a while nobody took me serious anymore because I was always acting like a fool. Now I just act like a weirdo, either smiling constantly or wear a constant frown. Anyway whatever I do I always feel like I'm being watched and judged. In a way I probably am because of my non existent life. If only I found the courage to find a job when I graduated but now I'm in my late 30s the only thing I'm getting is weird looks when I mention my situation (if someone asks me).
I always found it hard to look for a job since I have no interests or passions, I don't even feel the need to earn money to buy worthless materialistic things. I just don't care about it all.
I've done nothing else but watching films really the last 10 years, from old classics to odd arty films. But I'm growing a bit tired of those too, I feel like I've seen everything cinema has to offer. Anyway I love the works of Brian De Palma and Jacques Tati to name two. Same with music. Grew up with Michael Jackson, discovered the Beatles and Bob Dylan, got into metal, jazz, folk and now I'm in a phase of loving Marvin Gaye. Modern music is unknown to me (not saying it's bad)