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Mid 30s and no progress in life

13K views 60 replies 24 participants last post by  sandisc2 
#1 ·
Feeling like time has stopped after graduating uni in my early 20s. No progress since then. No motivation. All I want to do is to keep hiding in the house. I avoid friends or meeting new people like a plague fearing that they would ask the infamous questions like what I do for a living, etc. Also at this age they talk about marriage, owning properties, cars which I don't have the interest/motivation to talk about, let alone achieve them.
 
#2 ·
well, I'm 46 now, and... well, I feel the same way. I don't want to live in the city i'm in, but I also nearly never get interviews for all the jobs I apply for. I apply for jobs in-town out of town, and out of state. Dozens every month, at minimum. No traction. No job offers. Always just email notes about "thanks but no thanks".
I have two college degrees and I have yet to secure a job that requires a bachelor's degree.
I keep being tempted to apply for a local apartment but my income is not quite comfortable to afford rent.
 
#11 ·
I got invited for most of the position I applied for but I never get passed the interview. I just sit at home now afraid to face the society because according to a society, a normal grown up must work a job, otherwise, he is abnormal.

My biggest regret is studying science at university. I spent 3 years doing a bachelors degree and I did so well that they offered me a place on a funded masters degree. I did that for another year. What a waste of time and stress.

I should have studied something useful like medicine, nursing, electrician etc. I could kick myself.

I have savings in the bank and I am resigned to the fact that I will have to "re-train".

When I look back, I can see all the things I did wrong. I was far, far too timid and didn't socialise. I didn't take any risks and do the things I wanted to do. My friends were too geeky. I didn't approach girls enough.

No time like the present though, I suppose. I run as a hobby and started volunteering at local events. I have told my parents that I will tide myself over with a retail job for now and do some classroom assistant work. My parents are nagging me to get a car.

I often feel completely lost if I'm honest.
Yup too timid and afraid to socialise are two of my many problems. I went for funded postgrad studies as well but I never regretted or getting stressed out of it. I was actually enjoy it because I can do the research on my own pace and my advisors are quite supportive in my research.

If you haven't yet, I think you should take medication to alleviate SA, then you would at least start getting out of the house more often for a start. Take one step at a time!
To be honest, I don't know where to get help. Mental issues are not something we openly to about here, unfortunately.

Same...Im 30, live at home, and work in a call center. Ive been trapped as a caregiver for my dad, and now mom my whole life. We're poor. I don't even have a car.
I got myself a pre-owned car a couple of years ago. My mom helped me to pay 30% of the total cost of the car. Of course, till these days I haven't pay back my mom.

I can relate to being mid 30's (34) currently and having no direction in my life, no goals, no ambition, my life is just where it is. By now I have only achieved, graduating high school, being a black belt, having 1 job I failed at, having 2 relationships, 1 which I failed at and the other is nowhere near where I thought it would be. I don't have my own place, a car, a stable job, I'm just wondering through life.

I feel like a failure in life, still living at home, taking care of my parents, cleaning, drinking. So I can relate, I'm the same, I have 2 friends now (my current GF) being one and my friend Paul, and I have nothing worthwhile to show in my life,I am too scared to meet new people for the very same reason you are, I'm afraid they are going to ask me what I do.

I wish you success and hope things do improve for you but I don't feel like I have any hope of it happening for me
Thank you. But I don't feel like there's hope. Anything that could go wrong will go wrong for me eventually.

How old are you now? The college age years and your 20's where you are just starting your career are tough and confusing times for a lot of people. Do you have a job at all right now? What do you do job wise?

My advice is you have to start setting small goals. Careers goals, social goals and financial goals. Physical fitness goals as well. Dont worry if your behind other people. You want to be the best version of you that you can be. We all have different issues and struggles we have to deal with.

Motivation can be tough so like I said set small goals. Set a specific goal each day. Apply for x number of jobs. Hit the gym or workout x times per week and try to start conversations with people x times per day or week. Do that you will look back a year from now and see you made some great progress. Write your goals down really helps as well you dont want to just want them in your head.
I'm now 36. To be honest, I'm kind of give up finding job. My last application was in March. Went to the interview and of course, as always, got rejected.

I'm in a similar tangle. Covid19 crisis has messed up plans even more for me I'd say. I was doing okay, had a weekend job, which then shut down. I am now unemployd, I live with husband and 2 children. But I'm not building on my job experience. I was also, on top of the weekend job, a head chair of an art show (this year had to be virtual) that is held once a year. I have to manage the committees and it is all volunteer. I literally fall sick before a meeting where I have to speak in front of 40 people or so. I accepted teh position because like you I am 34 years old and have not landed a "career job" yet. My weekend job was a salon as receptionist/front desk person. Not good pay and not that interesting. I really want a job as a web designer/developer. And again, now with covid19 everyone is after same work from home positions. Too much competition and I look awful to be out of the work force too long , not even ever having much experience in my chosen field. Ugh.
I'm not downplaying your struggles but it sounds like you're miles ahead of me. You also sounds like a brave and responsible person for yourself, your partner and kids.

You talk about a lack of motivation. Do you really have no motivation for anything at all?
Yes as if I got no hope left. Why even try right? The best I can do is to feel sorry for myself.

If memory serves me right, aren't you the one who went for postgrad as well? Did you further phd?
 
#3 ·
My biggest regret is studying science at university. I spent 3 years doing a bachelors degree and I did so well that they offered me a place on a funded masters degree. I did that for another year. What a waste of time and stress.



I should have studied something useful like medicine, nursing, electrician etc. I could kick myself.


I have savings in the bank and I am resigned to the fact that I will have to "re-train".


When I look back, I can see all the things I did wrong. I was far, far too timid and didn't socialise. I didn't take any risks and do the things I wanted to do. My friends were too geeky. I didn't approach girls enough.



No time like the present though, I suppose. I run as a hobby and started volunteering at local events. I have told my parents that I will tide myself over with a retail job for now and do some classroom assistant work. My parents are nagging me to get a car.



I often feel completely lost if I'm honest.
 
#12 ·
My biggest regret is studying science at university. I spent 3 years doing a bachelors degree and I did so well that they offered me a place on a funded masters degree. I did that for another year. What a waste of time and stress.

I should have studied something useful like medicine, nursing, electrician etc. I could kick myself.

I have savings in the bank and I am resigned to the fact that I will have to "re-train".

When I look back, I can see all the things I did wrong. I was far, far too timid and didn't socialise. I didn't take any risks and do the things I wanted to do. My friends were too geeky. I didn't approach girls enough.

No time like the present though, I suppose. I run as a hobby and started volunteering at local events. I have told my parents that I will tide myself over with a retail job for now and do some classroom assistant work. My parents are nagging me to get a car.

I often feel completely lost if I'm honest.
Interesting to see my post from 7 months ago.

The volunteer work didn't improve anything. I volunteered at a number of community running events but I quit after a while because it was always the same clique of older people and it felt boring and pointless. I started running a lot more though, 30-40 miles a week and am a lot fitter than before. However I am also bored of running around my local area.

I took refresher driving lessons and I am much better than I was previously, which was a surprise.

Still unemployed. Like you I haven't applied for jobs in months. I kind of gave up. I have however applied for medical school. I sat the gamsat admissions test and have to write my personal statement.

My experience of academic study was not good. The tutors couldn't care less and some of them didn't even reply when I wanted a reference. I did physics and then a masters in nuclear science. So far these degrees have done jack **** for me.
 
#5 ·
Same...Im 30, live at home, and work in a call center. Ive been trapped as a caregiver for my dad, and now mom my whole life. We're poor. I don't even have a car.
 
#7 ·
I'm also a caregiver for my grandma and mom, I clean, (don't cook) do laundry, grocery shop, make sure we have what's needed. Its hard but I wanted to say, I feel what you're going through and to let you know you're a diamond in the rough, can only imagine how grateful your parents are, at least I hope they are for all you've done for them, especially being poor. Don't drive either,
 
#6 ·
I can relate to being mid 30's (34) currently and having no direction in my life, no goals, no ambition, my life is just where it is. By now I have only achieved, graduating high school, being a black belt, having 1 job I failed at, having 2 relationships, 1 which I failed at and the other is nowhere near where I thought it would be. I don't have my own place, a car, a stable job, I'm just wondering through life.


I feel like a failure in life, still living at home, taking care of my parents, cleaning, drinking. So I can relate, I'm the same, I have 2 friends now (my current GF) being one and my friend Paul, and I have nothing worthwhile to show in my life,I am too scared to meet new people for the very same reason you are, I'm afraid they are going to ask me what I do.

I wish you success and hope things do improve for you but I don't feel like I have any hope of it happening for me
 
#8 ·
How old are you now? The college age years and your 20's where you are just starting your career are tough and confusing times for a lot of people. Do you have a job at all right now? What do you do job wise?

My advice is you have to start setting small goals. Careers goals, social goals and financial goals. Physical fitness goals as well. Dont worry if your behind other people. You want to be the best version of you that you can be. We all have different issues and struggles we have to deal with.

Motivation can be tough so like I said set small goals. Set a specific goal each day. Apply for x number of jobs. Hit the gym or workout x times per week and try to start conversations with people x times per day or week. Do that you will look back a year from now and see you made some great progress. Write your goals down really helps as well you dont want to just want them in your head.
 
#9 ·
I'm in a similar tangle. Covid19 crisis has messed up plans even more for me I'd say. I was doing okay, had a weekend job, which then shut down. I am now unemployd, I live with husband and 2 children. But I'm not building on my job experience. I was also, on top of the weekend job, a head chair of an art show (this year had to be virtual) that is held once a year. I have to manage the committees and it is all volunteer. I literally fall sick before a meeting where I have to speak in front of 40 people or so. I accepted teh position because like you I am 34 years old and have not landed a "career job" yet. My weekend job was a salon as receptionist/front desk person. Not good pay and not that interesting. I really want a job as a web designer/developer. And again, now with covid19 everyone is after same work from home positions. Too much competition and I look awful to be out of the work force too long , not even ever having much experience in my chosen field. Ugh.
 
#13 ·
Similar state. Except I already lost all my friends, so no one really cares to ask me about this stuff. And family knows I'm pretty damaged.

I feel like during uni, life was a lot easier, so many people to choose to associate with or not. Too much free time, etc. I didn't realize how fast things would change after grad.
 
#30 ·
Nowadays, I think many people are feeling a lack of progress. Though in my case, I already distance myself from people. In a way, this pandemic has validated my reasons to continue distancing. It doesnt mean I'm ok with it, but I'm digressing...


My general advice is, there's no need to lose hope. Because with lifestyles going virtual, there's opportunities out there as long as you have a computer and internet whether it's a job or social event. I wont claim I'm living a happy life, but at least I can acknowledge there is every reason to continue reaching out to the world and seeking what I want. Sooner or later, something positive will come your way as long as you put in the effort.
 
#31 ·
Nowadays, I think many people are feeling a lack of progress. Though in my case, I already distance myself from people. In a way, this pandemic has validated my reasons to continue distancing. It doesnt mean I'm ok with it, but I'm digressing...

My general advice is, there's no need to lose hope. Because with lifestyles going virtual, there's opportunities out there as long as you have a computer and internet whether it's a job or social event. I wont claim I'm living a happy life, but at least I can acknowledge there is every reason to continue reaching out to the world and seeking what I want. Sooner or later, something positive will come your way as long as you put in the effort.
In my case, it's not just a matter of feeling, it is a fact that I got no progress. I get it, some people feel they got no progress but in reality they do have progress. Just that they are not satisfied with their achievements.
 
#33 ·
Am turning 35 this month and in similar state. Have a masters degree and also worked for a few years before giving up on career, realising I can't continue in a corporate environment. Started self employment which didn't work either and had to shut down few months back. No motivation to do anything although am still trying to get back into job market but based on my past, not geting much positive response. Now am doing some online course just to show something to employers. I have huge respect for you for having done a PhD which requires extraordinary work and research. I did think of pursuing it few times but am not sure if I could face the panel while defending thesis (extreme stage fright) or deal with students while teaching. Also dont have the required passion and idea on research topic.
 
#38 ·
Getting off bed is still a difficult task but I started to apply for jobs again. Defending a thesis can be nerve wrecking when you are thinking of it. But when you're in the process of defending it, all the anxieties will likely go away as long as you are well prepared to tackle all the questions. I got a stage fright too but somehow managed to get the PhD. Seriously, it's just a PhD, a piece of certificate. It's not really a big deal. If you love to read and write, patient, independent and persistent, you should go for it. Do it part time while working. If you do it full time, you'll likely having a hard time to get a job when you graduated. I'm on a funded Phd, even getting a monthly pay from the uni while doing my PhD.

@jim11 @abhinav21 @mat1 and everyone else with Master's degrees and PhDs: Go for tutoring and then see where it takes you :)

I found a Quora subpage where US tutors discuss tutoring. Here is a copy/ paste of the first entry:

How much you make as a tutor is primarily driven by four factors: where you're located, how many hours you tutor, your perceived skill at helping students, and what time of year it is.

Location. As many have mentioned it depends on your area. It's not uncommon for tutors in major metropolitans in the US to charge $75+ an hour for SAT preparation. I've seen some as high as $125/hour. However, in smaller more rural areas, charging that high would severely limit the number of students you take.

Hours. The amount you make is directly related to how many hours you spend tutoring. It's pretty simple: the more time you spend tutoring, the more money you make. So if you want to do this part time and spend a few hours a few week meeting with students, that's obviously going to bring in less money than a full-time tutor.

Your Abilities. Parents and students are willing to pay a lot of money for a tutor, but only if they feel confident that the tutor is actually going to help the student. If you develop a reputation for delivering results, parents will be gladly pay more for your services than they would for someone who doesn't have as many recommendations.

Time of Year. One other thing to keep in mind, is that as a tutor you are also subject to the testing schedules. The closer it is to a testing date, the more demand there will be for your services. I found in my time as a tutor, that the summer is generally slow, and October and March are very busy, especially for SAT prep.

SAT prep can pay very well, but with it comes a level of expectations for service that is much higher than with an average high school class. Because of the pressure students feel to get into college, and how heavily weighted the SAT is, you have to be very sure that you'll be helping students more than if they just studied on their own.

Link: https://www.quora.com/How-much-does-an-SAT-tutor-make
Lisa, thank you very much for your advice. Really appreciate it. I dunno about tutoring, but I've done the consulting job 8 years ago. It's not really working for me, tbh.

Hi Jim,

I think we're about the same age. I left uni with a bad grade, and so spent my 20s working in a shop whilst trying to break through that "glass ceiling" into a proper profession. Was probably hopeful at the start that it would just take a bit of time, but then the 2008 financial crash came along and made every opportunity dry up, from which it never seemed to recover. From your comments, I feel you've had some hard times, and after all that rejection, I'm not surprised how unmotivated you must be.

What I will say is that through my own struggles with the job hunting process (the job interview remains my biggest anxiety challenge), I certainly learned quite a bit about the process, including where I'd unknowingly been approaching it in a counter-productive manner.

You know more about your situation than us, and the fact you've expressed being unmotivated shows you respect the time of any forum member attempting to help. I appreciate that and so won't try to help "resolve" your issue. However, if you do want help, just to ensure we're stacking the odds in your favor, just let me know. I've been quite good at advising other friends (apparently). Also, there are positive aspects I've noticed from "reading between the lines" of your post, and if you'd like me to share, also feel free.

Wish you the best
Thanks a lot, Macky. Before the pandemic, I got called for interviews. But now due to the bad economy, I heard nothing from the companies. And what do you mean by "unknowingly been approaching it in a counter-productive manner?"
 
#36 ·
@jim11 @abhinav21 @mat1 and everyone else with Master's degrees and PhDs: Go for tutoring and then see where it takes you :)

I found a Quora subpage where US tutors discuss tutoring. Here is a copy/ paste of the first entry:

How much you make as a tutor is primarily driven by four factors: where you're located, how many hours you tutor, your perceived skill at helping students, and what time of year it is.

Location. As many have mentioned it depends on your area. It's not uncommon for tutors in major metropolitans in the US to charge $75+ an hour for SAT preparation. I've seen some as high as $125/hour. However, in smaller more rural areas, charging that high would severely limit the number of students you take.

Hours. The amount you make is directly related to how many hours you spend tutoring. It's pretty simple: the more time you spend tutoring, the more money you make. So if you want to do this part time and spend a few hours a few week meeting with students, that's obviously going to bring in less money than a full-time tutor.

Your Abilities. Parents and students are willing to pay a lot of money for a tutor, but only if they feel confident that the tutor is actually going to help the student. If you develop a reputation for delivering results, parents will be gladly pay more for your services than they would for someone who doesn't have as many recommendations.

Time of Year. One other thing to keep in mind, is that as a tutor you are also subject to the testing schedules. The closer it is to a testing date, the more demand there will be for your services. I found in my time as a tutor, that the summer is generally slow, and October and March are very busy, especially for SAT prep.

SAT prep can pay very well, but with it comes a level of expectations for service that is much higher than with an average high school class. Because of the pressure students feel to get into college, and how heavily weighted the SAT is, you have to be very sure that you'll be helping students more than if they just studied on their own.

Link: https://www.quora.com/How-much-does-an-SAT-tutor-make
 
#37 ·
Hi Jim,

I think we're about the same age. I left uni with a bad grade, and so spent my 20s working in a shop whilst trying to break through that "glass ceiling" into a proper profession. Was probably hopeful at the start that it would just take a bit of time, but then the 2008 financial crash came along and made every opportunity dry up, from which it never seemed to recover. From your comments, I feel you've had some hard times, and after all that rejection, I'm not surprised how unmotivated you must be.

What I will say is that through my own struggles with the job hunting process (the job interview remains my biggest anxiety challenge), I certainly learned quite a bit about the process, including where I'd unknowingly been approaching it in a counter-productive manner.

You know more about your situation than us, and the fact you've expressed being unmotivated shows you respect the time of any forum member attempting to help. I appreciate that and so won't try to help "resolve" your issue. However, if you do want help, just to ensure we're stacking the odds in your favor, just let me know. I've been quite good at advising other friends (apparently). Also, there are positive aspects I've noticed from "reading between the lines" of your post, and if you'd like me to share, also feel free.

Wish you the best
 
#54 ·
That sounds rough my friend. I can sort of relate as I took a long time to finish the first undergrad degree. I thought going to university was supposed to improve your prospects but it didn't do much for me. Not sure what's going to happen with this ridiculous covid thing now.
 
#55 ·
OP, well at least you got a phd. That's a lifetime accomplishment of relatively few in the world. You could continue doing research and get some articles published in journals(or do a blog on your subject), contributing to the advancement of knowledge of civilization, whether currently hired by a university or not(?)

Adding my education story to this thread. I also took longer to finish a cs batchelors eventually finishing up at a commuter college. Finally got a (low level IT and customer support) job and was away from home for a long period for a number of years. Then lost it and went back to community college for a two year associates in a different field. My social anxiety and awkwardness was so bad , that I had to change majors early on , or even retake certain lab classes I could not avoid, if I could not get along with the "current set" of students in that class. One time I had to physically move myself into another end of the room, because the guy in this lecture class kept sitting next to me and harassing or belittling me in everything I responded. Better I did that than eventually lose it and punch him suddenly in class and get expelled or arrested. What helped me later in the second minor college degree was the advent of more online classes. So even now today (and further pressured from this covid year) is that some bachelors or masters can be done practically all online now at certain colleges and universities offering those type of programs these days. But yeah, I'm all done for now. I can't do it anymore , even if I could afford it, or if the gov't funded a masters program enrollment for me, and looking like an old mental bum even in the zoom shared webinar of an online class.
 
#61 ·
Haven't posted on here in a while.

I'm 33 now. Still no career and I feel lonelier than ever.

My dad has become really worried lately and wants to help me find a job.

I created a linkedin account but there is barely anything to write on it.

I have a bachelors in physics and a masters in nuclear engineering. I applied for some related jobs over the past few months and every application was ignored. I looked at the job description and I studied all of the content on my masters course, but my applications were ghosted nonetheless.

I only hear back from jobs which pay the minimum wage which is £9.50 per hour but they are all dead end jobs.

I don't know what to do.

I am now a confident driver and my dad lets me drive his car. I am also running a marathon later this year. Those are the only two positive things I have achieved.
 
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