Living at home - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-30-2017, 05:27 AM Thread Starter
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Living at home


Was basicly wondering if someone feels somewhat like me or that im just a failure at life . Got no job so im dependend on my mother. My father passed away when i was 23. Ill be turning 31 soon and the feeling of failure,pressure,being a dissapointment is creeping up on me. Im single and i just hate it that i cant invite friends or someone i met to "my own place" i cant hold jobs because i have some psychological problems and have a very very idealistic personality. I mean i have a few things i do but that doesnt bring in the cruel thing thats called...money When i was 18 this was not the life i had planned out and if i could go back in time i would do things different. My mother was dependend on my father so when he passed i just stayed at home. Helping, Driving,... but as said. Gonna be turning 31 soon and the need for having my own space is growing and growing and growing. Basicly i feel like i have no place in society for being a failure. Am i alone in this?
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post #2 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-30-2017, 07:42 AM
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I've lived at home my whole life. I'm 39 now. I don't know what it's like to live anywhere else. I avoid people because I don't want anyone to know the truth about me. The vast majority of people are cruel towards someone like me.
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post #3 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-30-2017, 08:30 AM
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I moved out when I was 25, it's the only thing in my life that has gone right. But I've never had friends or anyone to invite over, it's pretty lonely.
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post #4 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-30-2017, 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Mongoose View Post
I've lived at home my whole life. I'm 39 now. I don't know what it's like to live anywhere else. I avoid people because I don't want anyone to know the truth about me. The vast majority of people are cruel towards someone like me.
I'm pretty much in the same boat although I've had my own apartment a few times and like you I avoid people because I feel so embarrassed and ashamed about my life but I'm trying the best I can to try and overcome this.

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
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post #5 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-30-2017, 11:22 AM
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I'm 28 so I feel like I'm close enough to say I can relate. I've lived at home all my life. I do feel like I need more space and especially a place to get away when things get tense at home. At times though I'm not sure becasue if I lived on my own, especially in a small apartment, I feel like I would get lonely. And yeah, there have been times I felt like I would like to be able to have people come over. But it's not a big deal most of the time as I don't really anyone to invite.
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post #6 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-30-2017, 12:11 PM
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I'm turning 36 next month and I still live at home. I bought a condo and sold it after two years because it was a waste of money. I spent maybe 2 days there a week and was just as bored and hated having neighbors so close to your walls. I was always worried I had stuff on too loud.
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post #7 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-30-2017, 01:13 PM
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Youre not a failure. Lots of people live with their parents way into adulthood, rent and bills are so expensive and theres so much competition for every job out there. Its really hard. Youre not alone.

Youre only 30, youre still so young and you have lots of time to do everything you want to. Have you got any further education? Could you do a course locally or even online? Maybe you could give English classes or grinds part time. Volunteer work is a great way to increase your experience also.
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post #8 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-30-2017, 02:18 PM
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@Mtl23
The fipside of meritocracy is that the situation you're in, is implicitly attributed to your own actions. This is the message we get, day in, day out. Life just happens to be not so simple. No so fair, in fact. Most folks acknowledge a person without limbs can't measure up to these expectations, but when it's invisible, it seems to farfetched, to abstract. I bet it's even worse in your own mind. But does this mean you are a lesser human being? Really? Ultimately, you get to be the judge of that. What is the yardstick you use and why? Who picks the yasdstick? Based on which values?

There are times I feel like a total failure too. I only live on my own because my government supports me. I am grateful for that, but it's embarrassing at the same time. If I lived in your country, I would most likely be in your shoes right now. That makes us equals, doesn't it? Imagine we had grown up in a total different environment. One which would not have allowed us to hide away, which would have forced us to be part of the community. I often wonder who I would have become than. Try not to be so hard on yourself my friend. Yu didn't ask for this. We all have to play with the cards we are dealt.

((( connect or perish )))
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post #9 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-30-2017, 02:22 PM
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I work & take care of my own needs but I still live at home & for me it's quite natural. As Fairyface said, rent and bills are very expensive so it's good to have that support.

But there must be some job you can do no matter how low paid it is. Just get yourself out there.

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
-Joseph M. Scriven
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post #10 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 12:28 PM
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I wouldn't say I'm totally dependent on my mom I take care of my own business for almost everything but I've never made enough financially to sustain myself on my own. It's down to the crap jobs I've worked due to SA/depression. It's hard to get a good job under those circumstances and even maintaining the crap ones has been a challenge. If I had savings or some sort of route to a financial base I'd have long since been on my own. There's definitely a great tension between my mom and I without question but as it stands for a roof over both of our heads we must be together
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post #11 of 47 (permalink) Old 08-01-2017, 06:49 AM
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I am starting to feel more awkward about still living at home but I think it's still slightly acceptable at my age.

I compare myself with younger people in their 20s who already have lots of life experience and it gets me down. Careers, relationships, vacations in exotic places like Thailand... I feel very envious of that and I feel like I have missed out. These people literally moved out at 18 when they went to university and then never went back home.
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post #12 of 47 (permalink) Old 08-03-2017, 06:59 PM
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Im 30 and living at home.

I thought id be married with kids by now. I never thought id still be single.

I lile the money i save. My peers are married so they have double income households. Its a lot harder doing rent or mortgage and bills on your own.
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post #13 of 47 (permalink) Old 08-03-2017, 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuan Jie View Post
@Mtl23
The fipside of meritocracy is that the situation you're in, is implicitly attributed to your own actions. This is the message we get, day in, day out. Life just happens to be not so simple. No so fair, in fact. Most folks acknowledge a person without limbs can't measure up to these expectations, but when it's invisible, it seems to farfetched, to abstract. I bet it's even worse in your own mind. But does this mean you are a lesser human being? Really? Ultimately, you get to be the judge of that. What is the yardstick you use and why? Who picks the yasdstick? Based on which values?

There are times I feel like a total failure too. I only live on my own because my government supports me. I am grateful for that, but it's embarrassing at the same time. If I lived in your country, I would most likely be in your shoes right now. That makes us equals, doesn't it? Imagine we had grown up in a total different environment. One which would not have allowed us to hide away, which would have forced us to be part of the community. I often wonder who I would have become than. Try not to be so hard on yourself my friend. Yu didn't ask for this. We all have to play with the cards we are dealt.
The last therapist I saw said something along these lines to me too. I was actually saying what an idiot I'd been when I'd spent a lot of money on a big manic espisode I'd been on and he stopped me straight away. I tend to give myself an even harder time for my anxiety issues though tbh than bipolar.

I've always liked your posts btw - but lately they've been wonderful. Reading that actually helped me today. Thanks a lot.
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post #14 of 47 (permalink) Old 08-03-2017, 11:41 PM
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Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad my thoughts have been helpful to you.

It seems to be practically a law of nature people with emotional issues kick themselves the hardest. Particularly when they're down. I profoundly hate it when that happens. It pisses me off. It makes me want to shake people back and forth and yell at them to wake up! As if the issues aren't hard enough on their own. Well, it's part of the issue, but I perceive it as a layer on top of the core which can be pealed off relatively easy for many. The low hanging fruit. The Pareto principle applied to psychology, if you will. Consider it a duty to be kind to yourself and give yourself a hard time when you've failed to do so. If you'd ran out of ammo in this department, take a look at Status Anxiety by Alain de Botton. He also published a lengthy video about this on youtube. Good stuff!

P.S. This reply survived a computer crash. All I had to do was reboot and open my browser and the text was still there. I'm using Opera and this makes me officially a fan :-)

((( connect or perish )))
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post #15 of 47 (permalink) Old 08-03-2017, 11:48 PM
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@harrison
Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad my thoughts have been helpful to you.

It seems to be practically a law of nature people with emotional issues kick themselves the hardest. Particularly when they're down. I profoundly hate it when that happens. It pisses me off. It makes me want to shake people back and forth and yell at them to wake up! As if the issues aren't hard enough on their own. Well, it's part of the issue, but I perceive it as a layer on top of the core which can be pealed off relatively easy for many. The low hanging fruit. The Pareto principle applied to psychology, if you will. Consider it a duty to be kind to yourself and give yourself a hard time when you've failed to do so. If you'd ran out of ammo in this department, take a look at Status Anxiety by Alain de Botton. He also published a lengthy video about this on youtube. Good stuff!

P.S. This reply survived a computer crash. All I had to do was reboot and open my browser and the text was still there. I'm using Opera and this makes me officially a fan :-)
Okay thanks will have a look. I like Alain de Botton.
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post #16 of 47 (permalink) Old 08-04-2017, 12:15 AM
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((( connect or perish )))
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post #17 of 47 (permalink) Old 08-04-2017, 12:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tuan Jie View Post
@Mtl23
The fipside of meritocracy is that the situation you're in, is implicitly attributed to your own actions. This is the message we get, day in, day out. Life just happens to be not so simple. No so fair, in fact. Most folks acknowledge a person without limbs can't measure up to these expectations, but when it's invisible, it seems to farfetched, to abstract.
Perfectly said.

Quote:

I bet it's even worse in your own mind. But does this mean you are a lesser human being? Really? Ultimately, you get to be the judge of that. What is the yardstick you use and why? Who picks the yasdstick? Based on which values?
I always wonder about these questions, and I can NEVER get a satisfying answer. Some part of me always thinks "yes, I am lesser because x", if it's not x it's some other thing.

The idea of all humans having equal worth is only good in theory, there's no way to either "make" people think that way, or even yourself. I think we're almost hardwired to value somethings and it's so against our nature to try and change it.

But I don't really know.

Mucus is a living thing you know
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post #18 of 47 (permalink) Old 08-04-2017, 12:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuan Jie View Post
@Mtl23
The fipside of meritocracy is that the situation you're in, is implicitly attributed to your own actions. This is the message we get, day in, day out. Life just happens to be not so simple. No so fair, in fact. Most folks acknowledge a person without limbs can't measure up to these expectations, but when it's invisible, it seems to farfetched, to abstract. I bet it's even worse in your own mind. But does this mean you are a lesser human being? Really? Ultimately, you get to be the judge of that. What is the yardstick you use and why? Who picks the yasdstick? Based on which values?

There are times I feel like a total failure too. I only live on my own because my government supports me. I am grateful for that, but it's embarrassing at the same time. If I lived in your country, I would most likely be in your shoes right now. That makes us equals, doesn't it? Imagine we had grown up in a total different environment. One which would not have allowed us to hide away, which would have forced us to be part of the community. I often wonder who I would have become than. Try not to be so hard on yourself my friend. Yu didn't ask for this. We all have to play with the cards we are dealt.
I just wanted to chime in here after reading this, Tuan, sometimes I read through posts on the forum and often see your comments on different threads, you are always so genuinely understanding and helpful and seem to have a bright and clear perspective on situations, youre full of wisdom.
I just felt the need to let you know as your comments have been helpful to me as im sure they are to others.
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post #19 of 47 (permalink) Old 08-04-2017, 03:08 PM
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Not beating yourself up is one thing, but receiving compliments... That's next level stuff. I'm not very good at it. But I'll take the challenge. Thanks guys! I'm glad my 5 cents has value to you.

Myosr
I'm delving quite deeply into this sort of stuff at the blog section at the moment. It ain't easy for sure. But I can tell you that I just scrabbled some things on paper that gave me a new perspective on these matters. It's starting to dawn on me what mechanisms are behind it. I'm being flooded with all sorts of things actually. I'd love to discuss these subjects with anyone who struggles with the same questions. We're in the same boat.

fairyface
That's very kind of you! Love your spontineity. Don't limit it to this place please! Do me one favor; substitute the concept of "wisdom" for "things you can use". It's all practical, pragmatic. No hirarchy in those who know more or less than another. That's the connotation of the word I'm not very fond of. I'd like everybody to keep a firm grip on their own steering wheel, if that makes sense to you.

((( connect or perish )))
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post #20 of 47 (permalink) Old 08-13-2017, 05:00 PM
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Yup I'm in the same boat! I don't plan on moving out anytime soon since my life is a mess. I sometimes don't mind living at home, its comfortable and safe. I don't see living at home as a bad thing but I also hate telling people I live at home because they always assume I'm in my early 20's or that there is something wrong with me (im sure there is a lot wrong with me lol).

But I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep....
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