Laments of a 41-year-old virgin - Page 24 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #461 of 508 (permalink) Old 09-24-2019, 09:03 AM
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I've been to football (soccer) games on my own before and it's generally been ok, although I do feel a bit awkward sitting so close to people I don't know.
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post #462 of 508 (permalink) Old 09-24-2019, 09:24 AM
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went to a baseball game by myself last week. The team failed miserably, 10-1. But the general experience of just being there was fine. I was glad to be able to be there for once. Lots of women walking around, largely with kids, buddies, significant others, etc. Whether or not anybody was "single and available" I have no idea. But like I said, it was decent enough just to be there instead of sitting at home.

Good job getting out of the house. That is the first step. Now you have to be able to start up conversations with random women / strangers. That is the difficult part and it was for me. Its the fear of rejection you have to conquer and its not easy to do.

Im a lot better then I was at talking to people but even this morning I was at the store and saw a attractive woman with no ring on. Should have approached but chickened out. Tough issue to solve
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post #463 of 508 (permalink) Old 09-25-2019, 10:07 AM
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Just start by being more social in general and then focus in.
I have noticed that people are more approachable to me.....since I appear less occupied with my thoughts!

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post #464 of 508 (permalink) Old 09-26-2019, 09:32 PM Thread Starter
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another baseball game today. And I went to my first speed dating event in about 10 months.

I think it went well in terms of the general interactions. I was glad to get out of the house and to an event to meet women. This was a "30s and 40s" meetup, so everyone was in the general age range.

I have no idea whether any of the women I met are interested. I was at least nominally interested in most of them, at least at the friendship level. My official results will be in a few days

I don't know if it's realistic to try and have a girlfriend or "get to first base" by the end of the year, but we'll see.

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post #465 of 508 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 09:30 AM
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another baseball game today. And I went to my first speed dating event in about 10 months.

I think it went well in terms of the general interactions. I was glad to get out of the house and to an event to meet women. This was a "30s and 40s" meetup, so everyone was in the general age range.

I have no idea whether any of the women I met are interested. I was at least nominally interested in most of them, at least at the friendship level. My official results will be in a few days

I don't know if it's realistic to try and have a girlfriend or "get to first base" by the end of the year, but we'll see.
Great job going to the speed dating event like I suggested. Its good experience and practice talking to women. So even if their is no match its good for you. Ive got to meet a few fun women that I have dated and had a good time with at speed dating events. But still I get rejected by 80 percent of them. Its a numbers game. The one good one you meet makes up for all the more rejections.


Do you think the experience from speed dating will allow you to talk to women more comfortably now?
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post #466 of 508 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 01:18 PM Thread Starter
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Great job going to the speed dating event like I suggested. Its good experience and practice talking to women. So even if their is no match its good for you. Ive got to meet a few fun women that I have dated and had a good time with at speed dating events. But still I get rejected by 80 percent of them. Its a numbers game. The one good one you meet makes up for all the more rejections.


Do you think the experience from speed dating will allow you to talk to women more comfortably now?
... three matches in the aftermath of the event (out of 13 women). I've followed up by email, then for those who have shared their phone numbers, by phone. it's tentative, but we'll see how it goes if I get to have any one-on-one meetings with them.

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post #467 of 508 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 09:56 PM
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... three matches in the aftermath of the event (out of 13 women). I've followed up by email, then for those who have shared their phone numbers, by phone. it's tentative, but we'll see how it goes if I get to have any one-on-one meetings with them.

Nice job. 3 Matches is great. Not sure I have ever had 3 matches. Hopefully they are all women you really liked. Now you have to get them out for a regular date? Got any ideas what kind of date you will take them out on?
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post #468 of 508 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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.... career-related gut-punches this week. Several desirable jobs I applied for sent me rejection letters; two of which I at least got to attend interviews or an in-person testing session. Sigh.
I hope this doesn't affect my demeanor if I can finally have some in-person meetings with these women. Avoid work-related talk, that's for sure.

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post #469 of 508 (permalink) Old 10-17-2019, 07:30 PM Thread Starter
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Fortunately things went well. I made reservations at an area restaurant. Food was good. "Nora" is friendly. I still don't know "exactly" how old she is but I guess she's roughly in my age range, 40s-ish.
I guess from beginning to end it was about 90 minutes before dinner was clearly over and she excused herself for the evening.
I got to know a little more about her, and I revealed a little more about myself.
I tried to avoid any awkward silence by "improvising" and starting talking about some random thing.
I guess I was fairly comfortable around her.

At a "looks" level, I'm not blatantly attracted to her. But I went into this hopefully being able to develop new friends, at least. So we'll see how it goes.

I'm just glad that I managed to avoid any blatant foot-in-mouth moments or anything that would be glaringly embarrassing.

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post #470 of 508 (permalink) Old 10-29-2019, 06:15 PM Thread Starter
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I'm getting a little more comfortable in getting texts, sending texts, sending emails. No lengthy follow-up call with "Nora" yet. Not sure if she's that interested.
"Rochelle" I have had recurring conversations by phone, and texts. But we both have very different work schedules, and so far we have yet to be able to meet in person after the speed-date event. I'm hopeful to maybe have something going on by next week as far as a meetup. We'll see.

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post #471 of 508 (permalink) Old 11-02-2019, 10:57 PM
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I'
"Rochelle" I have had recurring conversations by phone, and texts. But we both have very different work schedules, and so far we have yet to be able to meet in person after the speed-date event. I'm hopeful to maybe have something going on by next week as far as a meetup. We'll see.
Yea the work schedule thing can make it very tough to get together. I meant a lady I liked at a speed dating event and it was 3 weeks before we got to meetup up. Work schedules and one of us or the other going out of town. Just try to find a mutually good time that works for both of you. Hopefully you both live close to each other that makes it easier.

Good job at the event connecting with Nora and Rochelle. Nothing may come of it but its a good starting point
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post #472 of 508 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 02:30 PM Thread Starter
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Yea the work schedule thing can make it very tough to get together. I meant a lady I liked at a speed dating event and it was 3 weeks before we got to meetup up. Work schedules and one of us or the other going out of town. Just try to find a mutually good time that works for both of you. Hopefully you both live close to each other that makes it easier.

Good job at the event connecting with Nora and Rochelle. Nothing may come of it but its a good starting point
I finally was able to meet with 'Rochelle' for a later-evening dinner, when she was able to get off work. It was nice to be able to finally meet and talk, informally, in person. So I hope we get to do it again. Still there's lingering different-schedules stuff going on. hopefully I'll have some better local-area job prospects soon, because nothing ever seems to work out for me. I'm convinced that employers tend to look at me strictly as a secretary/administrative assistant now, despite my other credentials and duties done at past employers. I can't seem to ever get past it for any other job application I send out. I rarely get in-person interviews and my most recent one I got passed over (and ironically, I had only just mailed out thank you letters for the interview. I feel like a moron now.) Part of my anxiety is due to feeling stagnated, career-wise, that I have little to offer a woman in terms of partnership, economically. Maybe part of it is overblown but at my age I'm increasingly anxiety-ridden about it. I still have yet to get my own place but I'm going to have to work on that in the coming weeks.

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post #473 of 508 (permalink) Old 12-22-2019, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
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.... I've been having occasional conversations with women on the "Facebook Dating" app. Most of the women I've had exchanges with haven't been that responsive lately, though. I figure if we "matched" there would be more enthusiasm on their part, but I guess not. We'll see how it goes. I realize we're at the end of the year.

My birthday came and went without much activity. I went to see a non-profit group's Kwanzaa celebration earlier my birthday evening. That night I stayed in a suburban hotel. By myself of course. The next day I had a doctor's appointment, and later that evening was an "office holiday party" given by my employer. The event was fun, but Rochelle was working most of the day, and the event started fairly early. I ended up taking my Mom with me as my "date". She enjoyed the event, though.

At this point, Rochelle and I are friendly acquaintances, but our drastically different schedules have just made things really challenging to try and connect in person. But we'll see. I'll keep trying, I guess.

... my car insurance rates are killing me. I'm covering myself and my mom's car.. it severely doesn't help to have exorbitant rates locally.

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post #474 of 508 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 09:04 AM
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i sometimes ask myself how a woman would react to a 30+ year old guy who still is a virgin.

what is your opinion on that @hypestyle ?

would you be ashamed to admit that you are a virgin? because women can smell that kind of thing.
in my case, i cant even imagine the situation. for me, i just cant admit that i am a virgin in real life. i would be too ashamed. i would rather pretend i havent dated for xx years instead of coming out with the truth.

because it takes courage to say that you are a virgin at 30+.


in my head, i cant even imagine how a woman today would react if i would tell her that i am a virgin at 35+. i imagine every woman would laugh and get out of my house as fast as she can.

dont you have these fears hype? its one thing to do the dating game, but its another thing to be 5 seconds before a sexual activity and then she will know for sure that you are a virgin.

do you tell your dates that you are a virgin hype? and if yes, how do you tell them? and how do they react?

because like i wrote, dating and speaking to girls is the easy thing if you know that it will lead to nothing. but being like 5 seconds before a sexual activity and knowing that you are a virgin is something different.
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post #475 of 508 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 09:16 AM
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... my car insurance rates are killing me. I'm covering myself and my mom's car.. it severely doesn't help to have exorbitant rates locally.
Been in that situation as well with car insurance. Going to have to sell your car and get a cheaper one. Hopefully your not upside down trade in value wise on your auto's. And don't know what your moms situations is financially but quit paying your moms insurance. Sounds like you can not afford it at all.
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post #476 of 508 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 11:56 AM
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i sometimes ask myself how a woman would react to a 30+ year old guy who still is a virgin.

what is your opinion on that @hypestyle ?

would you be ashamed to admit that you are a virgin? because women can smell that kind of thing.
in my case, i cant even imagine the situation. for me, i just cant admit that i am a virgin in real life. i would be too ashamed. i would rather pretend i havent dated for xx years instead of coming out with the truth.

because it takes courage to say that you are a virgin at 30+.


in my head, i cant even imagine how a woman today would react if i would tell her that i am a virgin at 35+. i imagine every woman would laugh and get out of my house as fast as she can.

dont you have these fears hype? its one thing to do the dating game, but its another thing to be 5 seconds before a sexual activity and then she will know for sure that you are a virgin.

do you tell your dates that you are a virgin hype? and if yes, how do you tell them? and how do they react?

because like i wrote, dating and speaking to girls is the easy thing if you know that it will lead to nothing. but being like 5 seconds before a sexual activity and knowing that you are a virgin is something different.
Not a virgin, but I know what it's like to date and be sexually inexperienced at my age (52). You're right, it's relatively easy to date when I put out of mind the idea that it might lead to any kind of intimacy. But on the rare occasion I allowed things to progress, my tactic was to just be honest about it. That way, I not only avoid the stress of keeping it a secret from her, but I won't find myself wasting my time with her in the unlikely event she isn't cool with it. That said, the few I've told were somewhat surprised but always cool with it. Granted, these were older women where sex may not be as important as it might have been for them when they were younger.

I will say that if a woman laughs you out of her house, that's on you for making a poor choice for dating. A decent, good woman might even see you as a bit courageous for being up front about it, and isn't courage a trait of masculinity?

Just be honest when the time is right and let the chips fall where they may.
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post #477 of 508 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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i sometimes ask myself how a woman would react to a 30+ year old guy who still is a virgin.

what is your opinion on that @hypestyle ?

would you be ashamed to admit that you are a virgin? because women can smell that kind of thing.
in my case, i cant even imagine the situation. for me, i just cant admit that i am a virgin in real life. i would be too ashamed. i would rather pretend i havent dated for xx years instead of coming out with the truth.

because it takes courage to say that you are a virgin at 30+.


in my head, i cant even imagine how a woman today would react if i would tell her that i am a virgin at 35+. i imagine every woman would laugh and get out of my house as fast as she can.

dont you have these fears hype? its one thing to do the dating game, but its another thing to be 5 seconds before a sexual activity and then she will know for sure that you are a virgin.

do you tell your dates that you are a virgin hype? and if yes, how do you tell them? and how do they react?

because like i wrote, dating and speaking to girls is the easy thing if you know that it will lead to nothing. but being like 5 seconds before a sexual activity and knowing that you are a virgin is something different.


The few dates/meetups I've had, it hasn't come up. Nothing regarding intimacy has come up. So far, just one woman has had a "second" meeting with me. It's still in the 'friends' stage at this point. I haven't openly expressed romantic intentions. I'd like to go on a couple of more in-person dates (beyond phone texts or calls) before I try to go further. The woman in question is a little on the religious side, and I don't know if she necessarily is into sex before marriage, or even 'making out'-- my living situation and hers both involve housemates (me with my mom, her with a friend who owns the house). So it's not a great platform to arrange for privacy beyond a hotel (which in and of itself is fraught with certain suggestive contexts-- I choose to approach carefully, lol). I don't identify with atheism but I'm not a "devout christian" either, so I'm just trying to approach this without making assumptions. She's my age (46) and her early childhood was in eastern Europe; she describes a certain conservatism among her extended family (e.g., her relatives tended to get married in their twenties; she's never married; no children).
I'll have to see if she's interested in meeting this coming weekend post-Christmas.

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post #478 of 508 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 10:10 PM
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You don't need to be at home or their home for kissing and heavy petting. Guys often make moves while in their car or while at a bar.
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post #479 of 508 (permalink) Old 12-24-2019, 01:41 AM
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Heavy petting ?







And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
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It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
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post #480 of 508 (permalink) Old 12-24-2019, 06:56 PM Thread Starter
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You don't need to be at home or their home for kissing and heavy petting. Guys often make moves while in their car or while at a bar.
hmm. how does that work in the front seat area? To me, anyway, it's kind of awkward since most modern cars, there's a sharp separation of the driver and passenger's side, there. You can't exactly cuddle. (and, more alarmingly, my lips tend to be chapped frequently this time of year. I have to stock up on lip balm, but I have yet to find one that doesn't feel kind of greasy..)

In any case, food for thought, lol.

I'm also on Facebook's dating app (did I mention that already?) and it has yielded a few interesting conversations but seemingly no actual "let's meet up" interest yet. Oh well.

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