It's hard to want to invest in others anymore - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-07-2019, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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It's hard to want to invest in others anymore


I'm looking back at my 20s now and sometimes I sigh at how naive I was. Having this unwavering belief if I was nice, listened to everybody's problems and asked a lot of questions I'd be liked and receive the same in return. It rarely happened, of course. I became a doormat. People would only come to me for problems or I'd be slowly shoved down the social hierarchy entirely. Interactions with friends were often tense or went nowhere. I had no idea how to be fun or relaxed, so I'd fake it a lot and laugh at crap I didn't actually find funny to fit in better. I guess its no wonder they didn't want to spend time with me compared to others. I always felt like I was preparing for a firing squad or memorising the lines of a play. I have no idea how to socialise at all. It never feels natural and still doesn't after all these years. For some reason I kept thinking once I hit my 30s I'd be so much more stable and confident but not even close. I get super defensive around new people, like they'll screw me over in no time so I keep them at arm's length as much as possible. I know you can't expect anything from people at the end of the day now, it just hurts feeling no meaningful connection and a sense of peace. I feel grateful though I met just 1 person a few months ago that gave me the time of day who happens to be my boyfriend now. However, I constantly doubt they'd actually like me if I wasn't their girlfriend, you know? As a friend, I feel like I offer nothing besides being able to listen to people. If you only have that you're nothing but a therapist to people that disappear as soon as they're happy. So I almost see no point trying to connect...I just keep hurting all the time.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-07-2019, 04:18 PM
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At my age most have kids, so there's no point.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-07-2019, 07:18 PM
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i coulda wrote this. i feel the same but now that i have a son i truly cant be bothered with other people or put in the same effort i used to.

We are in a reverie/ And everything you thought you knew isn't what it seems/ Only truth will set you free/ And I would never lie to you
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 01:15 AM
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Same. After being on the receiving end of this so much when younger. Especially at an older age, most relationships you make then, are more like "come and go" relationships.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.

If I fail to adapt to the fault of others, it is my fault.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 02:03 AM
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I don't really have time to make friends or even talk to the people I do know. Trying to fix the dumpster fire that is my life takes up most of my time now.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 08:10 AM
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The older I get; the more alone I feel.


31 now and I no longer have any friends. They all up and vanished like a fart in the wind.


Without a partner and children I feel completely at sea.


I am not sure I will ever find my place. I just don't know anymore.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 08:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by primalrose View Post
I'm looking back at my 20s now and sometimes I sigh at how naive I was. Having this unwavering belief if I was nice, listened to everybody's problems and asked a lot of questions I'd be liked and receive the same in return. It rarely happened, of course. I became a doormat. People would only come to me for problems or I'd be slowly shoved down the social hierarchy entirely. Interactions with friends were often tense or went nowhere. I had no idea how to be fun or relaxed, so I'd fake it a lot and laugh at crap I didn't actually find funny to fit in better. I guess its no wonder they didn't want to spend time with me compared to others. I always felt like I was preparing for a firing squad or memorising the lines of a play. I have no idea how to socialise at all. It never feels natural and still doesn't after all these years. For some reason I kept thinking once I hit my 30s I'd be so much more stable and confident but not even close. I get super defensive around new people, like they'll screw me over in no time so I keep them at arm's length as much as possible. I know you can't expect anything from people at the end of the day now, it just hurts feeling no meaningful connection and a sense of peace. I feel grateful though I met just 1 person a few months ago that gave me the time of day who happens to be my boyfriend now. However, I constantly doubt they'd actually like me if I wasn't their girlfriend, you know? As a friend, I feel like I offer nothing besides being able to listen to people. If you only have that you're nothing but a therapist to people that disappear as soon as they're happy. So I almost see no point trying to connect...I just keep hurting all the time.
I have been feeling the exact same way for many years the only people who have been nice to me are my family and almost all men. I am awkward and don't know how to socialize at all but guys have no problem with that and it makes me feel like they only want to use me. Women on the other hand ignore me completely...

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything."
Will Borden
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 12:53 PM
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I'm amazed how some of you actually have a stable relationship plus kids. If we're talking about SA you really must have enormous character to set it behind you and just start doing all those ****ing scary things. I would/could never put myself under all that stress of finding/maintaining a relationship let alone nurture kids.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 08:08 AM
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There was an article published on Psychology Today in October that talks about relationships.

I feel like this is a modern problem. People are too mobile and move in and out of each others lives constantly. We used to stay in one place together or roam the lands in a group going where the food goes. That part of us just feels like its eroding away. Have to go where the grass is greener to survive as individuals. There is no group or community. Better job in the next town over? gf/bf gets a job offer across the country? Want to live in a good neighborhood with good schools for the kids? Want affordable housing out in the boonies miles away from the city?

We evolved from apes and were social animals for many millions of years. As socializing irl gets more difficult (at least meaningful socializing), the need for it gets more and more detrimental to our survival as it gets harder to find. Probably why people in meh relationships still greatly value their relationship. Its like an oasis in an ever expanding desert. But, eventually... you acclimate to the desert and don't mind it so much. It becomes home.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 02:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by waterworld View Post
The older I get; the more alone I feel.


31 now and I no longer have any friends. They all up and vanished like a fart in the wind.


Without a partner and children I feel completely at sea.


I am not sure I will ever find my place. I just don't know anymore.
That's why 99 percent of people get married by 30-35 years old.There's nothing remotely interesting once you hit that age. All your friends are busy with their spouse and kids and you no longer have a connection to the younger generation. No one has any interest in your favorite bands or how thing were in the 90's. You're just an old person. At least that's how I feel.
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 05:05 PM
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I can definitely relate. I've always had trouble socializing and it's only gotten worse as Ive gotten older. In school/ growing up there were always others around and by default I would meet a few people that I would end up being friends with. Now all the people at my work are my parents age and most of my old friends are married and have children. I feel really left behind and have given up.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 05:28 PM
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I can relate
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 11:22 PM
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I've long gotten sick of of being people's listening ear or being the "rebound friend" from my childhood to my 20s. I noticed that people only like being around me when they have no friends , have an unstable social/love/family life, or if they feel uncomfortable in an unfamiliar setting. But as soon as they get their own "close circle" of new friends, they toss me to the side and treat me life crap. I only had one friend in my life who wasn't like that, but the connection faded since I had to move out the country.

I pretty much stopped seeking out friends as of my late 20s and don't expect my 30s to be any different. F-ck, my own life is currently in shambles. So, I really don't care anymore.

"If you're going through hell, keep going" - Winston Churchill
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