Does a partner help? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 06:55 PM Thread Starter
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Does a partner help?


Being single for so long has really screwed up my confidence. Further I've been told by someone that I'm a favorite topic of discussion during lunch break by a select group of people in the office I work in. They all suspect I am either a homosexual or an incel virgin all because I'm awkward and quiet and live with my mother at the age of 30. God people are so f***ing two faced. This has made me very insecure about them finding out about me being single all my life.

My bro got into his first serious relationship at age 25 and seems to have changed his life around. Before that he was the same as me, just working, then sitting at home bored asf and socially isolated because he was introverted and had no real friends. Then he moved out and put himself out there and within a year got himself a gf, got married now has 3 kids and seems real happy and a lot more confident. Anyone experience a major turn around thanks to a partner?
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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-21-2019, 02:13 AM
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My life was made worse by having a partner. Sometimes people hide who they really are until you're attached, and then irrational fears about never finding someone else again keep you from moving on. A lot of relationships are sad, angry, toxic, and just incredibly dreadful - and it pulls you under. Some people never get back out (my parents are a fine example of this). It is the saddest life you could possibly ever live, and yes, it is worse than living with your mom at 30 (which isn't even that bad or weird).

Not only that, but what if your partner becomes unemployed and needs to rely on you financially? There was a thread on SAS from a guy who was supporting his leech of a girlfriend, and needed to pick up a second job to fund her lifestyle. (He couldn't easily get rid of her as they shared a lease or something, I don't recall exactly). I became a lot poorer just due to my partner's poor choices and his abusive behaviour, including breaking down my bedroom door, holding me down and screaming in my face, and forcing me to find a hotel on no notice in the middle of winter.

Or, what if they become disabled? Can you care for them? Knowing they not only need a lot more time and energy from you, they are likely to NOT be grateful and will instead be angry and self-pitying of their situation.

So. I hope my post was convincing in some small way. Wait for the right person and really get to know them, and cut bait as soon as red flags come up. Do not give people the benefit of the doubt, and be extremely picky. People with SA are so goddamn vulnerable to as.shole behaviour, including me, and I'm a hypocrite who wishes I knew all this beforehand.

Tl;dr - Stay single, keep money and sanity, and go have fun without the burden of a partner.
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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-21-2019, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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I understand relationships are not all they are cracked up to be but I don't think I should let other people's bad relationships stop me from pursuing one out of fear it might turn bad.
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-21-2019, 06:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by samboychippies View Post
I understand relationships are not all they are cracked up to be but I don't think I should let other people's bad relationships stop me from pursuing one out of fear it might turn bad.
Exactly. Other people's struggles or bad relationships shouldn't stop you from trying to live your life. Of course you shouldn't just jump into a relationship with just anyone But if you meet someone who seems trust worthy then there's nothing wrong with giving it a shot. If it doesn't work out then so be it. At least you tried.
Sorry I don't have any real advise for you.
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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-21-2019, 07:43 PM
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good relationships are good. bad relationships are bad! just hope it's going to be good next time! if it's bad then get out of there. but also have commitment and dont be fickle. so just get swept away and whatever happens will happen.

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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-22-2019, 11:46 AM
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A partner definitely helps. We're not supposed to be alone - it's not healthy.
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-22-2019, 12:17 PM
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Quote:
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A partner definitely helps. We're not supposed to be alone - it's not healthy.
you haven't met some of my family, they did not have healthy relationships.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-22-2019, 12:29 PM
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you haven't met some of my family, they did not have healthy relationships.
Yeah, you've probably got a point there mate.

Plus I just said in the other thread that it's not good to make blanket statements about relationships - immediately after posting this one.

I guess it depends on the people. I just mean it's generally not a great idea to be alone all the time. It isn't for me anyway - I feel like I start going a bit nuts. (well, relatively speaking of course)
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-27-2019, 12:42 AM
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Originally Posted by leaf in the wind View Post
My life was made worse by having a partner. Sometimes people hide who they really are until you're attached, and then irrational fears about never finding someone else again keep you from moving on. A lot of relationships are sad, angry, toxic, and just incredibly dreadful - and it pulls you under. Some people never get back out (my parents are a fine example of this). It is the saddest life you could possibly ever live, and yes, it is worse than living with your mom at 30 (which isn't even that bad or weird).

Not only that, but what if your partner becomes unemployed and needs to rely on you financially? There was a thread on SAS from a guy who was supporting his leech of a girlfriend, and needed to pick up a second job to fund her lifestyle. (He couldn't easily get rid of her as they shared a lease or something, I don't recall exactly). I became a lot poorer just due to my partner's poor choices and his abusive behaviour, including breaking down my bedroom door, holding me down and screaming in my face, and forcing me to find a hotel on no notice in the middle of winter.

Or, what if they become disabled? Can you care for them? Knowing they not only need a lot more time and energy from you, they are likely to NOT be grateful and will instead be angry and self-pitying of their situation.

So. I hope my post was convincing in some small way. Wait for the right person and really get to know them, and cut bait as soon as red flags come up. Do not give people the benefit of the doubt, and be extremely picky. People with SA are so goddamn vulnerable to as.shole behaviour, including me, and I'm a hypocrite who wishes I knew all this beforehand.

Tl;dr - Stay single, keep money and sanity, and go have fun without the burden of a partner.
I second this. I spent about 10 years in misery with a partner that "turned bad". People can wonder, why did I stay for so long if it was so bad? Because the further you are in, the harder it is to get out - unless you're really good at just turning your back and moving on. Personally I always had hopes of "rescuing" my partner, helping her feel better - but it was like trying to fill an endless pit, a black hole just sucking out all of my energy.

So - my advise would be, don't be afraid of trying to find someone but be aware of red flags early on. Don't just think that "oh it was a one-time thing and he/she seems sorry, I shouldn't be so sensitive". If it makes you feel bad, confront them about it and if they don't own it - get out.
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-27-2019, 03:56 PM
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Relationships didn't really do much for me, but I'm pretty atypical.

Some people heard my words and thought it meant they knew me
Truth is, I don't exist, I'm just a soundtrack to your movie
Some background figure in a story that's already scripted
And what I feel's just felt for you to hear me ****ing spit it
I jump in many different heads through these words and poems
Always hoping maybe the next leap'll be my leap home

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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-27-2019, 08:47 PM
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Even bad relationships can be good experiences to look back on, if you have the courage to leave them at the right time. The trouble is people who become codependent and trapped.

Play The Social Anxiety Game

"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'" ― Kurt Vonnegut
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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-27-2019, 10:24 PM
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I’ve been a loner for so long it’s a pretty foreign concept to me but in my limited experience it can be quite nice when it’s nice.

If you’re gonna actively date simply remember that if things go bad it’s not always worth staying as others have noted
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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-27-2019, 10:27 PM
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If its a good partner yes it can really help. Bad one and your really screwed even worse.
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-02-2020, 06:47 AM
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Partner helps for me.
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-02-2020, 12:08 PM
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That idea used to occupy me too when I was younger.
I felt so embarrassed!

But on the other side, the idea of having a partner and having to deal with everything that would come along, seemed rather strange and even more scary! Very, very far away from my reality!

Luckily, I was never surrounded by a culture of idealizing traditional family life, making a big deal of valentine's day, getting engaged, showing rings around, baby shower whatever.

Around me were all sorts of people married with/without children, widows, older people with long-distance relationships, old and young singles, possible gays and admitted gays.

As I grew out of dreaming-of-a-prince-age, I grew more and more comfortable with my situation. I live just one of many different lifestyles!

Sometimes I actually enjoyed the idea of people maybe thinking I lead a secret gay life! Made me feel interesting. &#x1f642;

Luckily, along my way I often had a good or at least inspiring person (school pal, colleague) I could walk along with or follow somehow, felt better with on my side. So, I guess, I consider them my partners and they were very helpful!

I don't miss any "real partner" at the moment.
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post #16 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-02-2020, 12:35 PM
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Could be heaven, could be hell, could smother you with love, could smother you with a pillow while you sleep, but at least you wouldn't be alone... : /






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #17 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-02-2020, 12:50 PM
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Bro I'm one of the most badass people in my office and I still get little man-baby **** lords questioning my masculinity. You just gotta roll with it I guess.

Just ignore it and don't engage in any conversation that's not wholesome.
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post #18 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-14-2020, 06:06 PM
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I find I sleep much better with a partner.
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post #19 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-14-2020, 06:51 PM
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Reading some of the posts here reminds me that I think I'm prone to fantasizing about an ideal relationship and hoping for that when the reality doesn't match.

As soon as I feel a connection with someone I'm attracted to, I start hoping so badly that we'll end up together.

And sometimes we do...but they turn out to not really be the right person for me. That can be painful to realize.

I'm trying to be more patient now and work on myself before jumping into anything. It's really a hard change to make, though.

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post #20 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-14-2020, 07:52 PM
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If the relationship is good it helps. Gives you someone to hang out with every weekend, an activity partner, someone to talk to about things. Some activities are just not very fun doing alone. And they can help you out when you are sick or have a financial crisis. Save a lot of money by living together rather than alone.

There were many things I hated about the relationships I had. I'm pretty antisocial and only like hanging out with certain people. I really didn't want to hang out with their friends and family. Not that the family or friends were mean to me or rude or anything. I just didn't enjoy their company. It was torture and you are basically given tremendous pressure to do it. Or I was given the choice of either hanging out with him and his friends/family or stay home alone. Sucked.

The fights and such were awful. Especially how a lot of guys will just walk off and leave when angry. Those fights gave me so much stress.
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