Am I a 39 year old loser? - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-17-2020, 09:10 PM Thread Starter
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Am I a 39 year old loser?


I can’t seem to get that question out of my head. I’m embarrassed of the way my life has turned out. I am a single gay man living at home with no friends and no real job. The thought of being social scares me, so making friends is not easy. Although I have been in relationships I always seem to keep them at arms length and can never build on the relationship emotionally. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. My self esteem is so low I feel like I settle on guys because I’m afraid of being rejected by someone I find attractive. I prefer being in the safety of my home and sometimes won’t leave for days at a time. If I do venture out to the store a lot of times I am in and out quickly making very little eye contact and pray no one wants to make small talk. There are also things that make me anxious such as having to drive with someone else in the car, alone I don’t have a problem driving. At the movies I have to sit on the aisle seat from fear that I would have to sit next to a stranger through an entire movie. I have even been cutting my own hair because I don’t feel comfortable having someone so close to me wanting to have a conversation. I know this isn’t normal but I don’t know how to change it.
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-21-2020, 01:39 PM
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Wanted to reach out and say I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. I can relate, not to being gay but to self esteem issues, I know how hard it can be to struggle with feeling like a loser. Maybe not on the same level but I also can relate and understand having low self esteem, self esteem issues suck, they eat you up inside. Have you ever done journaling? Journaling and doing CBT can really help sort out your thoughts. Looking at Distortions, negative thoughts and how to reframe them.

Ex. Writing what you wrote and than looking for the distortion, I'm afraid of being rejected the distortion there might be something like Overgeneralization you conclude that because you were rejected before or think you'll be rejected that it will happen to you over and over, it might be I am a loser. Emotional reasoning you take your emotions your feelings that you are a loser as evidence that you are a loser and everyone thinks you are.

You might write these down and than try to come up with a rational reframed response. I know its really difficult to think about something positive or what you're grateful for when you feel this way. If you want to work on becoming social, you could write, reached out to people online today 1. Or say no matter how things turn out I will message or respond to one person, if they reject me it is their loss. I'm sure others here can give you much better advice but I don't think you're a loser, circumstances aren't good for you right now, I know the feeling. Don't beat yourself up. You're going to survive.

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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-21-2020, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you Patriot, first off, thank you for reading my post and replying with meaningful advice. It’s good to know that I’m not alone and others are sharing helpful information. I do journal a little and it does help clear my mind. I will try what you suggested about finding the positive out of the negative. Thanks a lot I really appreciate the advice
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-21-2020, 07:31 PM
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-22-2020, 08:41 AM
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Thank you Patriot, first off, thank you for reading my post and replying with meaningful advice. It’s good to know that I’m not alone and others are sharing helpful information. I do journal a little and it does help clear my mind. I will try what you suggested about finding the positive out of the negative. Thanks a lot I really appreciate the advice
You're very welcome no problem at all. What matters is you take something meaningful away and use it to help yourself. Good Good. Not so much finding the positive from the negative but just changing the dialogue in your head.

I m afraid of not being enough
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-22-2020, 12:25 PM
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No, you're not a loser.

I wanted to say something however the patriot has given excellent advice and suggestions.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-24-2020, 03:53 PM
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I'm guessing your reasons for joining this forum, in addition to wanting to connect with others sharing the same experience, is also to hopefully gain some insights into how to overcome these obstacles in your life. The fact you're looking to do something about it is a good indicator that, even with that voice inside saying you're a loser, you still think there's something within you worth fighting for. None of what you've posted I feel makes you a loser and if you do have any drive, that's a very positive attribute to have when you're in a seemingly hopeless situation. Unsurprisingly I'm speaking from experience.

Well hopefully you'll let us know if and when you want to tackle these problems individually - but The Patriot's suggestion is certainly great for an immediate start. Aiming to consistently find something positive during every journal entry session will help invoke a constructive mindset even when there's seemingly nothing positive.

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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-26-2020, 02:24 PM
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I don't think I'm a loser. If I don't think I'm a loser, than you are definitely not a loser. I stopped believing that 'losers' were even real some time in my early 30s. What is a loser? If we asked 10,000,000 people, would they share the same definition? Would they describe the same thing? Its likely subjective person to person. Is someone that doesn't work and smokes bowls everyday a loser? Who am I to judge what someone else does with their life? Take gamers as an example. Are they losers for wasting years of their life playing vidja games? Is it a waste of time if its time you enjoyed wasting? If they enjoyed that time, are they losers? Then how is that different than the 'loser' smokin bowls not working? Sounds like a double standard. The working part? Not all work contributes to a better society. Most work just makes 10 people more wealthier so they can lobby and make all our lives worse. So why give a care if they're unemployed? You're not them. It isn't your life to live.

There are no losers. Their are just people with problems living in a world where help is a luxury. Or people that are victims of circumstance. Criminals aren't losers. They're products of a broken society. Maybe they had garbage parents. Garbage opportunities. A garbage childhood. There are just too many elements outside of an individual's control that can end up leading to a less than ideal life. How much can you fault someone for so many things that are outside of their control? Unless they are in total control, you can't label anyone a loser.

We play the hand we're dealt. We try to improve it along the way. That's all you can expect from anyone.Take a homeless person. Many people think the homeless are losers. Say you were homeless. Maybe you found a coat in the garbage one day. It fits. Its better than what you have. It improves your life. No one else knows. No one else cares nor notices. But its still an improvement to your hand however small.

If losers existed, we all cumulatively are losers for letting our world get this bad. If everyone is, no one is.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-28-2020, 11:07 AM Thread Starter
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I don't think I'm a loser. If I don't think I'm a loser, than you are definitely not a loser. I stopped believing that 'losers' were even real some time in my early 30s. What is a loser? If we asked 10,000,000 people, would they share the same definition? Would they describe the same thing? Its likely subjective person to person. Is someone that doesn't work and smokes bowls everyday a loser? Who am I to judge what someone else does with their life? Take gamers as an example. Are they losers for wasting years of their life playing vidja games? Is it a waste of time if its time you enjoyed wasting? If they enjoyed that time, are they losers? Then how is that different than the 'loser' smokin bowls not working? Sounds like a double standard. The working part? Not all work contributes to a better society. Most work just makes 10 people more wealthier so they can lobby and make all our lives worse. So why give a care if they're unemployed? You're not them. It isn't your life to live.

There are no losers. Their are just people with problems living in a world where help is a luxury. Or people that are victims of circumstance. Criminals aren't losers. They're products of a broken society. Maybe they had garbage parents. Garbage opportunities. A garbage childhood. There are just too many elements outside of an individual's control that can end up leading to a less than ideal life. How much can you fault someone for so many things that are outside of their control? Unless they are in total control, you can't label anyone a loser.

We play the hand we're dealt. We try to improve it along the way. That's all you can expect from anyone.Take a homeless person. Many people think the homeless are losers. Say you were homeless. Maybe you found a coat in the garbage one day. It fits. Its better than what you have. It improves your life. No one else knows. No one else cares nor notices. But its still an improvement to your hand however small.

If losers existed, we all cumulatively are losers for letting our world get this bad. If everyone is, no one is.
Thank you. I never looked at it that way
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-29-2020, 03:36 PM
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I can’t seem to get that question out of my head. I’m embarrassed of the way my life has turned out. I am a single gay man living at home with no friends and no real job. The thought of being social scares me, so making friends is not easy. Although I have been in relationships I always seem to keep them at arms length and can never build on the relationship emotionally. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. My self esteem is so low I feel like I settle on guys because I’m afraid of being rejected by someone I find attractive. I prefer being in the safety of my home and sometimes won’t leave for days at a time. If I do venture out to the store a lot of times I am in and out quickly making very little eye contact and pray no one wants to make small talk. There are also things that make me anxious such as having to drive with someone else in the car, alone I don’t have a problem driving. At the movies I have to sit on the aisle seat from fear that I would have to sit next to a stranger through an entire movie. I have even been cutting my own hair because I don’t feel comfortable having someone so close to me wanting to have a conversation. I know this isn’t normal but I don’t know how to change it.
Hey friend. Are you me?
Although I'm still a mess, being assessed as someone having Avoidant Personality Disorder helped me understand why I was the way I was. I still feel like a loser every day, but at least I can point to this assessment and say to myself "Ahh right, that's why I am terrified of eye contact and have a desire to connect with people but also a fear of it".

A while ago I googled 'Am I a loser' and I found this poignant message from someone similar. It helps me sometimes, maybe it'll be useful for you too...



What do you do when you are old and you have accomplished nearly nothing in your life?

Not care.

Not caring about certain things is power. Our time alive is short, wasting it worrying about if we are wasting it it is foolish.

Picture this: even if you live a “long time”at best in 3 generations people will completely forget you, unless your progeny are on genealogy enthusiasts who later adopt ancestor worship, your time on earth will be followed by a short period filled with people slowly forgetting who you are and what you did.

Then a bunch of stuff happens and the sun hits the red giant phase and the earth is vaporized.

If you are religious, then you are spending eternity hanging out with your deity. Think anyone is going to come up to you in the afterlife, all sparkling or whatever..and say “Remember 20 million years ago when you were 39 and realized the best thing you had done was win 3rd place in a Kiwanis raffle and won a hat that was too small?”

So what matters is this: Do you take care of yourself? Good. That is a success and an accomplishment. Do you do so well at taking care of yourself that you have excess and can and do take care of others? Good, that is even a bigger success. Are you happy doing this? If so good. That is already in the top percentile of people who are alive.

Want more? Which of the above accomplishments are you going to risk for more?

We must also remember that our communication ability is much faster than our ability to deal with information. So we hear and read about successes all the time and we believe them.

If we read it, it is true right? We know its not but propagandists know that people do believe what they read even if it is not true. So they write it. No one has ever watched a TV program called “The Lifestyles of The Poor And Obscure” so “Success stories” are popular even when they are not true. We read these lies and believe we have “accomplished nothing” and then ask for advice and help and someone will be there to sell it to us.

Myself, I have been a proud nobody since 1968 and my nobody really came into being 9 years ago when I turned 40 and no one has any power over me because of this.




And also this about being older is pretty funny if you want to laugh at our distressing situation

1980? That was 40 years ago!? That was literally so long ago, like, if you were born in 1980 then you're older than ALL the dogs in the WORLD and probably older than so much else (except for like a parrot maybe, they live forever).
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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 10:52 AM
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I can’t seem to get that question out of my head. I’m embarrassed of the way my life has turned out. I am a single gay man living at home with no friends and no real job.
Well the job thing is something you can start the process of improving today. Start applying for better jobs or get more training to get a better job. Not easy but it can be done.

Friend wise work on being more social and friendly towards people. Meetup groups are great way to meet people with similar interests. With Covid at the moment meetup groups have went online or been cancelled but when Covid is over this is a good option.

Take small steps in these areas and a year from now you wont feel like such a loser
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 11:31 AM
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movies and sitting next to randoms is a kind of uncomfortable feeling as is having a hair dresser in your personal space. I dont do either of those things either. it's kind of weird that they're normal things.

I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples. ― Mother Teresa
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old Today, 10:12 AM
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What is a loser? If we asked 10,000,000 people, would they share the same definition? Would they describe the same thing? Its likely subjective person to person. Is someone that doesn't work and smokes bowls everyday a loser? Who am I to judge what someone else does with their life?

There are no losers. Their are just people with problems living in a world where help is a luxury. Or people that are victims of circumstance. Criminals aren't losers. They're products of a broken society. Maybe they had garbage parents. Garbage opportunities. A garbage childhood. There are just too many elements outside of an individual's control that can end up leading to a less than ideal life. How much can you fault someone for so many things that are outside of their control? Unless they are in total control, you can't label anyone a loser.

We play the hand we're dealt. We try to improve it along the way.
I would agree a "loser" can be hard to define. Society regards as so someone who dosent work or employed below what the average person in your situation to be a loser. For example if most of the people in your high school ended up with high paying professional jobs and your working some low wage job are you a loser? You underperformed your peers. But then again you may have had challenges that they did not.

Like you said there is a lot in life you dont have control over. A lot of us were dealt a very bad hand. But you have to try to make the best of the bad hand your dealt. Like in poker you can be dealt a bad hand but still end up winning in the end. Its how you play that hand.

In general I define a loser as someone who makes no effort to improve their situation if they are unhappy with it. You may need help or get advice from somehow on how to improve it but the person needs to make that effort to improve their lot in life. I know this isnt easy but you have to make the effort. i have been guilty of this in the past and I regret it.

As far as criminals go yes there are a whole lot of circumstances out of their control that led to them be criminals. Such as abusive or addicted parents. Odds are stacked against you in that circumstance no doubt. But the dont choose your circumstances but you have choices within your circumstances.

In my personal situation I did not choose to have SA. Didnt pick my genetics. Grew up in a home with domestic violence. Did not choose that. But I didnt end up in prison or homeless in the street. Or killing myself. Someone people with even better situations growing up then me have resorted to that. I am doing good money wise and have a average blue collar job. I could be doing a lot better but I could be doing a whole hell of a lot worse as well!
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old Today, 05:02 PM Thread Starter
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movies and sitting next to randoms is a kind of uncomfortable feeling as is having a hair dresser in your personal space. I dont do either of those things either. it's kind of weird that they're normal things.
I feel better I’m not the only one who feels that way 🙂
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old Today, 05:03 PM Thread Starter
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I can’t seem to get that question out of my head. I’m embarrassed of the way my life has turned out. I am a single gay man living at home with no friends and no real job.
Well the job thing is something you can start the process of improving today. Start applying for better jobs or get more training to get a better job. Not easy but it can be done.

Friend wise work on being more social and friendly towards people. Meetup groups are great way to meet people with similar interests. With Covid at the moment meetup groups have went online or been cancelled but when Covid is over this is a good option.

Take small steps in these areas and a year from now you wont feel like such a loser
Thank you...I’m going to try to work on that.
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