Always the friend never the lover. - Page 7 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #121 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-23-2019, 04:09 PM
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I'm getting more comfortable with texting, and occasionally calling.
I'm trying to get more attention from the women I'm in contact with.
Facebook-date has yielded a few "likes". we'll see how it goes.

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post #122 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2019, 05:21 AM Thread Starter
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I'm getting more comfortable with texting, and occasionally calling.
I'm trying to get more attention from the women I'm in contact with.
Facebook-date has yielded a few "likes". we'll see how it goes.

I've always been more comfortable with texting than calling. I get phone anxiety really bad even more so when I don't really know the person. With texting I feel like the person can answer at their leisure. I hope the attention goes well, and thanks for the info about Facebook-date, didn't even know that was a thing. I might give it a go, but if it's anything like the site I'm on already "likes" apparently don't mean $%!#. Hope that's not the case for you, of course! I am hoping that by doing "meetup" activities it will give me a chance to actually get out and talk to people otherwise I'd probably just stay home, write, draw, play video games, and feel sorry for myself.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #123 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 06:41 AM
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one woman I'm interacting with likes calling more than texting. So it's something I have to get used to. but she seems friendly so far.

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post #124 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-30-2019, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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@hypestyle One of my friends is going blind so she, too prefers calls to texts. It certainly has helped me a bit. Hopefully it helps you too.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #125 of 146 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 06:22 PM
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I've had women willing to sleep with me only for me to stuff it up by saying something weird or letting anxiety get in the way and her pulling back and ignoring my attempts to pick up where we left off and just wanting to be friends.
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post #126 of 146 (permalink) Old 12-29-2019, 07:03 AM Thread Starter
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I've had women willing to sleep with me only for me to stuff it up by saying something weird or letting anxiety get in the way and her pulling back and ignoring my attempts to pick up where we left off and just wanting to be friends.

Oh man, that's rough buddy. Definitely sounds like something I would/ will do. I hope you eventually get someone to love. I know from experience that is sucks watching from a far.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #127 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 12:50 AM
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Update:
So I tried on line dating for a year and nothing. No matter how many people I sent messages to I never heard anything back. On some rare occasions someone would respond and then, when I answered, asking them another question, I never heard anything back. Also, to be fair it wasn't quite a year. I tried it for about six to seven months without luck giving up around July time frame. That doesn't mean I've given up trying though.

Out of curiosity what online dating apps are you using? I've been getting back into the world of online dating, and have had better luck on some apps rather than others. I've been having a bit more luck on the apps which are more profile oriented, e.g. OkCupid, Coffee Meet Bagel, rather than the ones which are essentially based on profile pic/s and a quick swipe left/right.

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post #128 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-05-2020, 05:08 AM Thread Starter
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@ntt


The one I was using was a free one called plenty of fish. It does have a "swipe" feature on the app but I didn't really use the app I used a computer and logged in. I haven't heard of some of the ones you posted so I may try them. I joined meet up at the end of last year and I've been meeting a lot of cool people though not necessarily for dating although there are some "singles" groups on there. I don't know, we'll see.

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post #129 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-05-2020, 03:50 PM
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@ntt The one I was using was a free one called plenty of fish. It does have a "swipe" feature on the app but I didn't really use the app I used a computer and logged in. I haven't heard of some of the ones you posted so I may try them.
Yeah, I think it's worth trying out a different one if POF isn't working for you. I think each site/app attracts a bit of a different demographic, and the mechanics of the apps make the experience a bit different. I think OkCupid attends to attract more hipsters which is ok for me, as I'm probably a bit of hipster, heh. Coffee Meet Bagel seems to attract more Asian people (at least where I live) which is also ok with me, as I tend to get on better with Asian people (more introverted in general). The mechanics of Coffee Meet Bagel are a bit different to other sites, in that there are a limited number of matches per day (21 for men, and 5 for women), which I think encourages a slower approach to dating.

I managed to get one date so far which was so-so. I enjoyed the date but my anxiety got in the way, so it was difficult to feel the chemistry, and at the end of the date I wasn't sure if she was into me, or even how I felt. I have another one coming up next weekend, but I feel more anxious about this one, and have a few doubts. She seems a bit more on the extroverted side. In our online conversations I've managed to be playful/witty, but I doubt this will transfer to the real world. Maybe I am catfishing if I am witty online, and dull in the real world, lol.

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post #130 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 04:51 AM Thread Starter
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Yeah, I think it's worth trying out a different one if POF isn't working for you. I think each site/app attracts a bit of a different demographic, and the mechanics of the apps make the experience a bit different. I think OkCupid attends to attract more hipsters which is ok for me, as I'm probably a bit of hipster, heh. Coffee Meet Bagel seems to attract more Asian people (at least where I live) which is also ok with me, as I tend to get on better with Asian people (more introverted in general). The mechanics of Coffee Meet Bagel are a bit different to other sites, in that there are a limited number of matches per day (21 for men, and 5 for women), which I think encourages a slower approach to dating.

I managed to get one date so far which was so-so. I enjoyed the date but my anxiety got in the way, so it was difficult to feel the chemistry, and at the end of the date I wasn't sure if she was into me, or even how I felt. I have another one coming up next weekend, but I feel more anxious about this one, and have a few doubts. She seems a bit more on the extroverted side. In our online conversations I've managed to be playful/witty, but I doubt this will transfer to the real world. Maybe I am catfishing if I am witty online, and dull in the real world, lol.
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Thanks. Bagel Meets Coffee sounds right up my alley. I kinda have a thing for Asians anyway (and blondes) I dunno why. I fear though I would be in a similar boat. I can be really witty in writting but I get anxiety when I have to talk to people I don't really know, sometimes even when I do know them. Anyway, thanks for the advice, and I'll definitely look into the ones you mentioned.

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post #131 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 09:31 AM
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I'm currently pondering ways of getting a GF and think it may be best for those of us with anxiety to try online dating. I mean if you're on a dating site then your intentions are already clear, no need for the awkward approach you know? People say Tinder is pretty good for those that fear rejection as it only partners you up with people who have also expressed an interest in you. Basically you have to treat it like a numbers game, the more people you swipe "yes" to the greater chance of finding women interested in you. Once you have some matches then it's just a matter of typing out some messages, which is easier than conversation as you have time to really think about what you want to say. Once you've messaged each other a bit, you've broken the ice and have some material to work with when it finally comes down to meeting up in person. My friend used Tinder a lot before meeting his GF and he said it's still a little awkward meeting in person but the women he met were clearly a little nervous too which actually calmed his nerves a bit. Everyone is nervous to some degree when dating, everyone fears rejection or making a fool of themselves. Some just hide it better than others. I reckon it's worth a try given what he's told me about it, seems the less intimidating way to get into the dating game.
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post #132 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 03:33 PM
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Your perspective on female companionship is quite interesting. For me, it's the opposite. I have a wonderful girlfriend, but I have virtually no female friends (well okay maybe one or two). I just have a REALLY hard time befriending women, it feels like I rarely have anything in common with women compared to men. Do you feel this sometimes, OP? Or do you actually have a lot of common ground with the women you have met in your life? I'm just feeling a bit worthless these days because women always ignore my texts, or make excuses not to hang out with me. Even in person, they often seem to avoid me in favour of talking to other people, and I'm just not too sure what I'm doing wrong.
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post #133 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-23-2020, 05:13 AM
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I don't have any good experiences of online dating unfortunately. I think it seemed easier to find people to talk to 10+ years ago or so, don't know why.

Be wary so you don't take the rejections to heart, I think it does something to oneself. I feel like I've gotten rejected 1000 times on the sites I've been on. Don't think that's healthy for the self esteem.

One of the last examples would be a girl I talked to for a while about some changes to the dating site we were on. After this I asked her "so how's your evening?" to which she replied "You didn't really think I was interested did you?? :-) :-)". Fun fun...

I found someone at a dinner party by chance that I'm dating right now and it's been very much easier to text after having met irl first I must say.
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post #134 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-24-2020, 06:44 PM
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it's wrong to think that it's bc you're nice that girls/ladies/women aren't interested in you.
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post #135 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-26-2020, 05:36 AM Thread Starter
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@JD89 Thank you for the advice. I have used a dating site before (eharmony) and my experience was okay. I signed up for a month and by the time I finally got someone to message back and forth with, it was the end of the month and I didn't re-up. I suppose I could have but, it's not a big deal. The dating site I'm on now is free and does have a "tinder" swipe feature. Unfortunately, having used it for about two years now, I just haven't had much luck. I'll keep trying though. I do agree with you though, it's easier for me to type a message than it is to talk to people in person and figuring out what we have in common before hand is a HUGE help.

@brianlee99 I just talk to them about stuff we're both interested in. For example, I have a female friend who loves the Kingdom Hearts series as much as I do. That's what initiated our friendship in the first place. She also likes Marvel, DC and a lot of other video games that I like as well, so we just have a lot to talk about. On the other hand, my best friend, also a female, doesn't really play video games. Her and I have a lot in common in way of thoughts and ideas. We just tend to be on the same page most of the time. There isn't really anything special. I do find that with both male and female friends, I'm more open in very different ways. I for example, I'd never tell my male friends that I'm a virgin for fear of being laughed at, and on the opposite end of that I have a rather perverse sense of humor that I don't really show around my female friends for fear of making them uncomfortable. In short, it varies from person to person. Most women (even some of my female friends) ignore me too so don't feel discouraged, you're not alone.

@DayDreamingGuy Yeah, I've found that too, though not from dating. I'm a writer (or want to be) and am trying to get a book published. Talk about A LOT of rejection. It used to bother me but now I'm kinda used to it. I don't even get excited anymore when I get an email. I just assume "it's my latest rejection" and move on. There are days though, where it just really stings for some reason. I am trying to just meet more people in person. I joined a meet up group for that reason. It's not for "dating" but there are some on there. Maybe I'll try them out one day.

@lily I know. I've found that women give me the evil eye even when I don't say anything to them. That's the burden of being anxious I guess, I either come off as a creep or I'm overly nice. I did manage to, kind of, ask a girl out this week by telling myself it wasn't a date, and that I was just inviting her to an event that I happened to be going to. She said "no" but I was proud of myself for even doing it. But I digress. I guess I just wish that more women were willing to ask men out. It puts a lot of pressure on me to ask, which just makes my anxiety worse.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #136 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-26-2020, 10:49 PM
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@lily I know. I've found that women give me the evil eye even when I don't say anything to them. That's the burden of being anxious I guess, I either come off as a creep or I'm overly nice. I did manage to, kind of, ask a girl out this week by telling myself it wasn't a date, and that I was just inviting her to an event that I happened to be going to. She said "no" but I was proud of myself for even doing it. But I digress. I guess I just wish that more women were willing to ask men out. It puts a lot of pressure on me to ask, which just makes my anxiety worse.
That's really not nice! I can relate, i think people irl, not all as far as I know, can have the wrong impression of me and think I'm not nice. Yeah, that's something to be proud of. Sorry to hear about your anxiety and that you wish more women would be willing to ask men out to ease your anxiety.
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post #137 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 06:38 AM
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@JD89 Thank you for the advice. I have used a dating site before (eharmony) and my experience was okay. I signed up for a month and by the time I finally got someone to message back and forth with, it was the end of the month and I didn't re-up. I suppose I could have but, it's not a big deal. The dating site I'm on now is free and does have a "tinder" swipe feature. Unfortunately, having used it for about two years now, I just haven't had much luck. I'll keep trying though. I do agree with you though, it's easier for me to type a message than it is to talk to people in person and figuring out what we have in common before hand is a HUGE help
Perhaps it's time to review your profile? A lot of people on dating sites have profile descriptions that are either bland or indicate they are "damaged goods". Very few have flattering photos either. Take a series of selfies of yourself smiling and keep your profile description positive. Mention your interests, what you tend to be good at and what you are considering pursuing in the future. I've noticed from personal experience that women tend to like men who not only have hobbies but are on a path to self improvement. Women tend to see men as "projects" and when they judge us they are envisioning where they could go with us given your personality, skills and ambitions. If you don't mention those things then all they have to judge you by is your looks, something that not all of us are blessed with.
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post #138 of 146 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 06:05 PM
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It's cheaper to be the friend and pump your own than to be the lover...just sayin!
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post #139 of 146 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 01:44 PM Thread Starter
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@JD89 I actually did all of that already but I still haven't had luck. It's a bit frustrating. I've sort of come to accept it. I'm on meet up too, so there's that. There are quite a few of "singles" events on there, though, sadly, you don't really get to message them first. Oh well.

@MCHB True statement. I just don't like feeling like the odd one out all the time. I'd like to at least experience it, even if it doesn't work out in the end.

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post #140 of 146 (permalink) Old 03-08-2020, 06:58 PM
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It's aggravating, but I'm in that very small boat as well. 42 and have never had a girlfriend or had intercourse. Having SA and being overweight & unattractive doesn't help. My (admittedly rare) attempts to commence something have never worked for whatever the reason may have been. I don't make a ton of money and live with family (for a couple of reasons, mostly because we would all be alone if we didn't live together). The rare instances of kissing/cuddling were a couple of times at college, and once a few years ago with a girl that was taking advantage of me (emotionally & financially). I'm admittedly mostly content with myself and the few people that I know I can trust, along with my dog. But I still would like another friend or two, and of course, a girlfriend / friend with benefits / whatever would be nice to have as well. There's no such thing as normal, but this is one embarrassing weight on my shoulders that I would like to shed eventually.
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