Always the friend never the lover. - Page 3 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #41 of 133 (permalink) Old 01-30-2018, 08:59 AM
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Well ill be 40 in June and im still a virgin. I gave up a long time ago. SA gives us some good traits as well as some bad traits. Most of us are pretty good people. Unfortunately very few off see that in ourselves. We can be timid and thats not a good way to get a gf. Its good way to get friendzoned. Ive been frienzoned so many times. Im afraid of rejection so I dont ask women out. But we just have to try harder.
More like women donít respect a guy our age who is a virgin. It doesnít matter what I think of myself.
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post #42 of 133 (permalink) Old 01-30-2018, 10:14 AM
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I'm super content with being the friend (considering i'm almost friendless)


Wish I had more


no desire in being the lover, it frightens me actually. Never been a fan of having responsibilities and being someones boyfriend/husband/significant other is just another title that i'd have to live up to and miserably fail at.


so yeah, if anyone wants to be my friend, pm me


Guys, Gals, Vulcans, Klingons, etc Pleeeeeaaase be my friend


that sounded extremely sad and desperate but meh
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post #43 of 133 (permalink) Old 02-10-2018, 02:05 AM
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So many SA guys fall into the 'nice guy' trap, myself included. That has ALWAYS been my problem. Always the friend, never the lover. That really is a great, succinct way to sum it up. Nice guys do finish last when it comes to dating. I know this is a controversial topic and this whole PUA culture has made women very cynical and guys think they all have to be a-holes to get girls, but really, that whole industry and sub-culture would not exist if there wasn't some truth to it.

The majority of SA guys will never be PUA's and will never be that cocky ladies man who gets all the girls. But you don't have to be. You just have to not be a completely submissive doormat. If you like a girl, make it clear straight up to her. Ask her if she has a boyfriend, if she wants to go out, be sexual. Not creepy but just playfully sexual. Do not let yourself get into that dreaded friendzone. I very rarely meet a girl who I would actually want to get into a relationship with but that is because I am very picky and almost never put myself out there to meet new people. But I have learned enough in my life that being nice gets you nowhere. Don't be a a-hole but don't be overly nice. It really doesn't help. Be forward, be confident and be open about what you want and don't be afraid to go after what you want. Every other guy is so you may as well too.

And with this whole MeToo movement going on this past year, don't let the political correctness brigade stop you either. I can guarantee you that all those guys who get girls like you wish you did don't give two s**ts about all that stuff and neither do the girls who go after such guys. Girls love confident, often cocky, good-looking, masculine guys who know what they want. And any girl who says otherwise is either lying or in a very small minority.
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post #44 of 133 (permalink) Old 02-10-2018, 07:30 PM Thread Starter
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So many SA guys fall into the 'nice guy' trap, myself included. That has ALWAYS been my problem. Always the friend, never the lover. That really is a great, succinct way to sum it up. Nice guys do finish last when it comes to dating. I know this is a controversial topic and this whole PUA culture has made women very cynical and guys think they all have to be a-holes to get girls, but really, that whole industry and sub-culture would not exist if there wasn't some truth to it.

The majority of SA guys will never be PUA's and will never be that cocky ladies man who gets all the girls. But you don't have to be. You just have to not be a completely submissive doormat. If you like a girl, make it clear straight up to her. Ask her if she has a boyfriend, if she wants to go out, be sexual. Not creepy but just playfully sexual. Do not let yourself get into that dreaded friendzone. I very rarely meet a girl who I would actually want to get into a relationship with but that is because I am very picky and almost never put myself out there to meet new people. But I have learned enough in my life that being nice gets you nowhere. Don't be a a-hole but don't be overly nice. It really doesn't help. Be forward, be confident and be open about what you want and don't be afraid to go after what you want. Every other guy is so you may as well too.

And with this whole MeToo movement going on this past year, don't let the political correctness brigade stop you either. I can guarantee you that all those guys who get girls like you wish you did don't give two s**ts about all that stuff and neither do the girls who go after such guys. Girls love confident, often cocky, good-looking, masculine guys who know what they want. And any girl who says otherwise is either lying or in a very small minority.
Thank you for the sound advise sir or ma'am, I have been perusing another girl of late, though our schedules have not matched up yet. Whenever I ask her out though, I make sure to use the word "date" just in case she has any doubts. My female friend says she is excited for me. It sounded pretty genuine.

The aforementioned friend and I have had our share of troubles this year, mainly due to my having anxiety and or not thinking straight, and making her angry. She has said some things that have made me realize that I will never be good enough for her from a dating stand point. It makes me sad, but at the same time, I am glad that I learned it while still her friend, and not as a lover only to lose the friendship forever. I have lost too many friendships in life already, I really do not want to lose this one as well.

With any luck, sometime soon I will break this feeling of loneliness and dispare. Even if it doesn't work out in the end...

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco

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post #45 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-05-2018, 07:23 PM Thread Starter
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So, while it took a while, I asked a girl from my yoga class out. Her schedule made it rather difficult, but I was persistent, and, finally, it happened. I made sure in every text I sent to ask if she was free for a "coffee date" even making sure to say "it's a date" when it finally worked out. So I was under the impression that is what it was. My first ever date with a girl. I was excited, and to. Be honest, doing really well controlling my anxiety. Then she said it. The words I have heard all my life. " My boyfriend..." I know the Man Upstairs must be laughing so hard that He $&;@ His pants. That is just the kind of thing that you'd think I've come to expect by now. I don't know why I bother trying sometimes. I guess I'll keep trying maybe she and her current BF will break up. Maybe I heard wrong. Somehow I doubt it. I think my existence may in fact be a practical joke.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #46 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-22-2018, 08:47 PM Thread Starter
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My depression came back. I hadn't felt it in a while, but it is here again. I don't know if it's becaus of applying for jobs and hearing nothing as my resume is thrown into the bottomless pit of the inter webs (much as my soul has become) or if it's for a different reason. What I do know for sure is that I hate whatever excuse for a life this is. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I feel like no matter how hard I try, no matter much I do, no matter the effort I put into something, it's destined to fail. I'm a failure.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #47 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 06:03 AM
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So, while it took a while, I asked a girl from my yoga class out. Her schedule made it rather difficult, but I was persistent, and, finally, it happened. I made sure in every text I sent to ask if she was free for a "coffee date" even making sure to say "it's a date" when it finally worked out. So I was under the impression that is what it was. My first ever date with a girl. I was excited, and to. Be honest, doing really well controlling my anxiety. Then she said it. The words I have heard all my life. " My boyfriend..." I know the Man Upstairs must be laughing so hard that He $&;@ His pants. That is just the kind of thing that you'd think I've come to expect by now. I don't know why I bother trying sometimes. I guess I'll keep trying maybe she and her current BF will break up. Maybe I heard wrong. Somehow I doubt it. I think my existence may in fact be a practical joke.
I feel you bro, I've had this almost word for, it sucks.

It's always funny how they mention their boyfriend shortly after you've paid for date. Whatever.

My relationship advice (like a bald man giving hair advice) forget about her, intentionally or not she lead you on. Waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend is a waste of time.

My sympathy: I had this happen with a girl before and the worst part was during the "date" I was having fun, and near the end I said to myself "even if this doesn't lead to a relationship or even a second date at least I had one good date."

And then just as she left my car she said "this wasn't a date, right?"

She couldn't even let me have the fantasy that maybe someone would want to give me a shot. Oh well
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post #48 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 06:21 AM
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I had two one-on-one dates last year, but they were both very platonic. Haven't had the time to do anything since then as far as time available.

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post #49 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
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I feel you bro, I've had this almost word for, it sucks.

It's always funny how they mention their boyfriend shortly after you've paid for date. Whatever.

My relationship advice (like a bald man giving hair advice) forget about her, intentionally or not she lead you on. Waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend is a waste of time.

My sympathy: I had this happen with a girl before and the worst part was during the "date" I was having fun, and near the end I said to myself "even if this doesn't lead to a relationship or even a second date at least I had one good date."

And then just as she left my car she said "this wasn't a date, right?"

She couldn't even let me have the fantasy that maybe someone would want to give me a shot. Oh well
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I will likely remain her friend, just because that is the type of person I am, but I fully expect her to marry said boyfriend because that's how my life works.

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I had two one-on-one dates last year, but they were both very platonic. Haven't had the time to do anything since then as far as time available.
I know what that's like. I wish you luck. God knows we both need it.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #50 of 133 (permalink) Old 04-06-2018, 09:06 AM
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Average people hook up mostly with average people.Attractive people with other attractive people.Maybe its your looks that is a dealbreaker not some mental ilness.
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post #51 of 133 (permalink) Old 04-06-2018, 07:54 PM Thread Starter
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Average people hook up mostly with average people.Attractive people with other attractive people.Maybe its your looks that is a dealbreaker not some mental ilness.
Cool, thanks for the vote, of confidence. In the meantime I'll be over here, alone and hating myself.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #52 of 133 (permalink) Old 04-11-2018, 06:22 PM
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Yeah, it's a curse of those of us in the same boat, being complete losers in (non)relationships, that I can only laugh about this cruel fate now after too many years of never being in a relationship
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post #53 of 133 (permalink) Old 04-30-2018, 09:55 PM Thread Starter
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I have the opposite. I have a significant other who doesn't live near me and no friends. Making friends is extremely difficult because people want something I don't (sex or more time) or I just can't find people I connect with enough where they want to do activities with me. I guess there are 2 sides to the coin. You can have problems with an SO that you don't with friends, like they get moody at random times, or you could end up being cheated on or getting her pregnant and she leaves you and you need to pay child support. I guess, look on the bright side, you have some friends who care about you. They might also be able to give you some insight in things you could do to attract someone to you. Or a dating coach might be able to help. Its mostly putting yourself out there, being confident and taking care of yourself financially & physically. I think its just a numbers game. I got lucky.
There in lies the difference, in part. While I am doing my best to stay in shape, for my own benefit more than anyone else's, I have had trouble financially as I recently lost my job... Again. To be fair it was a crappy job with crappy pay. I have always wanted to do something important with my life, something that helps people. Anyway I digress. I think I made it out to sound like I have bunches of friends and that is not the case really. Some of the so called friends are more acquaintances than anything else, I rarely see them if at all except for the life they post on Facebook. I have some friends who I talk to about specific topics, games, movies, etc. I have maybe two friends that I communicate with regularly, one woman and one a man.

My problem is that, at a certain age, 30, being a virgin becomes a joke. People laugh when you tell them. It makes me feel like I'm not human, or that there is something wrong with me. I can appreciate the concerns you brought up, as they are very much a possibility, and not to mention the large number of STD's out there, but, In this juncture, I just want to know what it feels like to be everyone else. I don't want to laugh nervously or pretend that seeing women younger than me, pregnant, in in the store with their husbands. Sex is all over the place, movies, tv, music. It's like the fact that I haven't had it is constantly shoved in my face, and the only way to escape it is to avoid everything all together but that just makes me hate my life more.

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Good looking bad boy gets the girl.Good looking nice guy gets the girl here and there.But ugly nice guy doesn't.
So that makes me the ugly nice guy then, cool thanks. Now I feel really confident about myself.

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Yeah, it's a curse of those of us in the same boat, being complete losers in (non)relationships, that I can only laugh about this cruel fate now after too many years of never being in a relationship
I feel the same, though I wouldn't say I laugh. I know the pain, the agony, the feeling of questioning your self worth. I wish movies would depict the truth more, not the fake Hollywood endings where everyone turns out okay and the hero gets their lover in the end.

Most days I just try to keep busy with art or writing. It helps. Because of it my subject matter always tends to be dark and depressing, but what self respecting artist/ writer isn't, right?

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #54 of 133 (permalink) Old 05-01-2018, 09:53 AM
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I have been the lover more than a few times, and I find that I do better as the friend. It seems like anyone I am with as more than a friend, ends up going insane and getting hurt. And of course it is my fault, I am too chaotic. I am an Eldritch Abomination when it comes to relationships. I used to blame whoever I was with at the time, instead of looking at myself. My problems have cost me two marriages and a number of girlfriends over the years, including my late gf who passed away last year.

This is something I have been trying to work on with my therapist, and she says I am making progress because at least now I am able to recognize the problem. I guess that is the first step towards doing something about it.

Sorry.. I just started typing and that came out. I hope I did not derail the thread.

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post #55 of 133 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 06:21 PM Thread Starter
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I have been the lover more than a few times, and I find that I do better as the friend. It seems like anyone I am with as more than a friend, ends up going insane and getting hurt. And of course it is my fault, I am too chaotic. I am an Eldritch Abomination when it comes to relationships. I used to blame whoever I was with at the time, instead of looking at myself. My problems have cost me two marriages and a number of girlfriends over the years, including my late gf who passed away last year.

This is something I have been trying to work on with my therapist, and she says I am making progress because at least now I am able to recognize the problem. I guess that is the first step towards doing something about it.

Sorry.. I just started typing and that came out. I hope I did not derail the thread.
No. I appreciate the honesty. I hope you can find some happiness in the future. I have had to learn the faults of myself, it's not easy, and to this day, I am still working on it. Some days are better than others.

Even though it didn't work out for you, in a way, I am jealous. You got to experience the kind of love I have only dreamed about, even if it was only for a moment.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #56 of 133 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 07:45 PM
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When you are too nice it makes girls see you like a puppy cute, sweet and nice to have around but that's about it. Not saying you neeed to become the complete opposite and be an arsehole. Just try to be more assertive, don't be afraid of conflict as that is a normal part of a relationship, say what you think and believe in not what you think the girl wants you to say, dont just say yes all the time.

These are just a few things you could try to change for women to see you as boyfriend material. I understand that its hard to change the way you are but you can just work on these things slowly. Good luck.
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post #57 of 133 (permalink) Old 05-09-2018, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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When you are too nice it makes girls see you like a puppy cute, sweet and nice to have around but that's about it. Not saying you neeed to become the complete opposite and be an arsehole. Just try to be more assertive, don't be afraid of conflict as that is a normal part of a relationship, say what you think and believe in not what you think the girl wants you to say, dont just say yes all the time.

These are just a few things you could try to change for women to see you as boyfriend material. I understand that its hard to change the way you are but you can just work on these things slowly. Good luck.
Thanks for the advice. My friend, the aforementioned girl in previous posts, has told me that as well. I am still working on it, but getting better. I know it's just me, but sometimes I feel being assertive is mean, or maybe that I just do it meanly, or think I do, I don't know. I get really bad anxiety, especially when I think I have offended someone, so I try not to offend them, and often end up doing the opposite.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #58 of 133 (permalink) Old 05-23-2018, 08:01 PM Thread Starter
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I just finished watching Altered Carbon on Netflix, a good show, with a "camio" from my favorite author, but there was one thing I didn't like... the sex. I swear every episode had a sex scene. Now mind you it was tame, the way Game of Thrones is tame, but it still showed them doing it. Watching other people, even in that setting, even knowing it is not real, just makes me feel depressed. I am socially awkward at the best of times. I have joined a dating site, but I am too chicken sh...... To make any connections. The few times I tried I never heard anything back. I know I should keep trying, but I just feel worn out. I just don't want to feel sad anymore. I have been this way pretty much since Highschool. The feeling is getting old, and the older I get the worse it seems to become. No one wants to date a guy who just mopes around like Eyore every f.... day. I just feel hopeless.

"You're going to fail a lot. Sometimes you'll fail over and over again, but you have to keep trying every time. You can't give up just because there is a chance that you might fail." - Dante Basco
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post #59 of 133 (permalink) Old 06-01-2018, 05:39 PM
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Back in my early adult years, I used to be pretty good at somehow attracting girls to me as a friend. They wanted to talk to me and ***** about other guys. I don't know why, other than because maybe they found me non-threatening, unlike the guys they slept with who beat them and cheated on them. They never wanted to spend time with me unless they were around my other alpha male type friends, or their ****ty boyfriends, lest they lead me on or something. Not that I could blame them really for finding me undatable.

At some point, that realization of chronic friendzoning led me to become increasingly bitter at myself. I saw myself as a pushover and somebody with a social disability who can never get what he wants. I saw all my other friends, who had girls paying attention to them, screwing up in life in the worst ways yet getting all the respect of women.

Eventually even that friendzone role stopped. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I remember some girls finding me scary because I was always now bitter and angry, rather than trying to be nice anymore.

Now, in my thirties, I can't meet any women. I'd rather have them as friends than not at all, but they want nothing to do with me usually.
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post #60 of 133 (permalink) Old 06-01-2018, 08:25 PM
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People gotta give up on this whole concept of being in the friend zone.

Men and women (unless they're related) are not meant to be "just friends". You're not a male chauvinist because you're a man and you're not interested in being "just friends" with a woman. You're a guy. You're supposed to be attracted to women- and not in a "just friends" way. Either the two of you are looking to be more or you have no business building a relationship. Don't be that "friend zone" guy. Either she wants you or she can go. That "just friends" nonsense is just nonsense. No man should do this "just friends" thing with a girl- and vice versa, no woman should be "just friends" with a guy (unless it's family or work, etc.). If a guy wants friends- that's what other men are for. If a woman wants friends- that's what other women are for. Opposite sex is for more. Don't let people tell you otherwise. When people want the attention from the opposite sex that they naturally crave- let them get married. Insha'Allah, they get all the attention they want and then some.
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