A question for people who were bullied in school - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 07:57 AM Thread Starter
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A question for people who were bullied in school


This is something I personally encountered with my bullies and I'm just wondering how common it ls.

Quickly, the question is this - If you still know (or know of) the people who bullied you in school, did they ever change?

I don't think mine ever did. I met them years later just randomly at a public place and they were still the same bunch of jerks they always were. Which surprised me actually because I had changed quite a bit.
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post #2 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 08:03 AM
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I doubt my high school bully has changed because he clearly has NPD, looking back. I suspect his wife and kids are subject to his abuse. I checked his FB out once years ago and never looked again.

I know of other bad people who never changed as well.
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post #3 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 08:14 AM
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Well, one of my bullies mysteriously changed at around age 19 or 20. Became very nice, amiable pleasant. I kinda forgot about all of the bullying, or, let him off it, he moved back and was my best (and pretty much only friend) for the last 12 years. His gf became one of my best friends too.

Last year, it turned out he was under investigation by the police for downloading child porn, discussing abusing a child he knew in real life on a darknet forum, and has been relentlessly cheating on his gf for the last 10 years.

So no. He basically constructed a fake persona as far as I can tell, and maintained it for years.

However, bullies can change, because I was also a bully at school. I ended up bullying some other kids to deflect away the bullying from me. Am not at all proud of it. If I saw those kids I would just relentlessly apologise. But that is typically what bullying is, it doesn't occur in a vacuum with people just randomly deciding to bully others. There aren't excuses, but bullies usually have some ****ed up **** going on in their lives. Displacement, or something else.
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post #4 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 08:36 AM
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Nope. My main junior high/high school bully is still a bully to this day. I ran into her a few years ago, and she made some snide remark about me not being married or having kids. I told her I enjoy my freedom. She actually dropped out of HS junior year because she got knocked up. I don't envy her domestic life at all. But yeah, I don't think people with that personality type ever really grow out of it, tbh.

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post #5 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 08:42 AM Thread Starter
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It was funny because my bully wasn't just A bully. They were an actual crew. I think there were like 7 of them but only like 2 or 3 of them were actually dedicated to bullying me. The rest were just kind of there not doing anything.

It was messed up because one of them was a girl who lived next door to me who had always been nice to me but she hung out with that crew so I guess she was just kind of stuck. She didn't want to be bullied herself, I suppose.

Anyway, this was all like 5th and/or 6th grade stuff so I guess we'd have all been somewhere around 12-13ish. It was so bizarre because I had moved out of that state and been gone for years and went back to visit family when I was in my early 20s and when I ran into them again, they were all together just like they always were at the school.

I encountered them at the public pool in that city and it was funny because I ran into one of them and recognized her but just kind of didn't say much except hi. I had no idea the rest of them were there. Then I saw the main guy who had been the worst of them. He saw me before I could scurry away into the crowd. So he came over and at first I thought maybe he was going to be cool but he started it right up again as if it had never actually stopped.

And I hadn't even mentioned it. I was really just trying to not make a scene and was kind of hoping they had changed because I had been kind of OK with him before all the bullying started (I don't really know what made him turn). But it was just so weird. I mean you kind of expect someone to change a little bit between 12 and like 23. It was like he was still that 12 year old jerk in a man's body.

I'd bet he hasn't changed a bit to this day.

Fortunately (as bad as it sounds) my bullies were probably not as bad (didn't affect me as much) as some people's. I mean I was actually terrified of those kids when it was happening. But it only lasted for maybe a year or so and then we moved away from there.

I acquired a couple of new bullies at my next school but they were not violent. They were just the type of kids who make stupid jokes and verbally harass. That, I could handle. Once it was all over I pretty much put it behind me and forgot about it. I know some people had bullies who really messed them up.

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post #6 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 08:49 AM
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In middle School i was significantly overweight and was bullied for it by two girls, they would bully me on my way home from school on the school bus.
I ran into one of them when I was seventeen, she stopped hanging out with the other girl and seemed like a genuinely nice person.
The funny thing was she ended up having a crush on me and asking me out at that time, unfortunately I still had a chip on my shoulder so I declined.

She turned her life around, changed her personality in a positive way and started crushing on the very person that she used to make fun of, i think that constitutes as change.

So yes.


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post #7 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 08:53 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SamanthaStrange View Post
Nope. My main junior high/high school bully is still a bully to this day. I ran into her a few years ago, and she made some snide remark about me not being married or having kids. I told her I enjoy my freedom. She actually dropped out of HS junior year because she got knocked up. I don't envy her domestic life at all. But yeah, I don't think people with that personality type ever really grow out of it, tbh.

I had a couple who always liked to torment me because of my unibrow (these were the ones at the other school who were just doing the verbal bullying). Like when they first started doing it, it didn't really bother me too much. They only did it like once in a while and I just shrugged it off. But the more I ignored it, the harder they tried and the more they would do it.

I'd just be sitting there in class and look over and see them both looking at me with that stupid grin and one of them would draw an imaginary line across his forehead and mouth "One continuous eyebrow".

I don't even know why it started to get to me but I guess it was just the sheer stupidity of it and how they just wouldn't quit. Twin brothers. Both of them obnoxious in the same way. I didn't like school anyway. I never did. It was always a struggle for me to get up and get there and that on top of the fact that I really didn't want to go anyway. And then I'd get there and there would be that crap.

I guess they might have eventually changed. I don't know. I kind of got along with them sometimes but they were psycho that way in that they'd be OK sometimes and then go into jerk mode randomly.

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post #8 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 08:57 AM
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One of them died in 2005 from driving recklessly. I never really knew if he changed or not, but I don't hold any grudges against him because all that he did paled in comparison to the others. His parents were friends with my parents and they were really nice people. I felt bad for them when it happened.

Another one died a few years ago from mixing Xanax and alcohol. Looking at his Facebook page he seemed like a totally different person. Just a regular happy-go-lucky guy with a wife and a job and a house and everything. I didn't get the impression from any of his posts that he was still a prick, so I didn't exactly jump out of my chair to dance on his grave

Last summer another died from a heroin overdose. He was the worst offender. I used to wake up on school mornings with a sinking feeling in my stomach dreading the day ahead of me because of him. I had a look at his Instagram page and he doesn't seem like he ever stopped being 16. Still dresses and acts like a 16 year old, plays in a band with his friends making terrible music that nobody listens to. There was one post where he had snuck a picture of someone at his gym and posted it and was cracking jokes about him in the comments. I would guess that he didn't change very much.

There's a few others but it's hard to make a judgment because all I know about them is what I see on social media and most of them don't put much out there.
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post #9 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 09:06 AM
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I don't know how they turned out. Probably in most cases still arseholes would be my best guess, but I'm not desperate to find out.
I think I've received worse bullying since leaving school in all honesty.
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post #10 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 09:09 AM Thread Starter
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Yeah. I just remember there was one who died. This was another (smaller) crew of bullies (there was just something about me that caused bullies to clump lol )

The main two in that group were brother and sister. They had a large family but the rest of their siblings never bothered me. Just those two. Years later I found out the sister committed suicide with a shotgun. I doubt they ever changed but I still felt bad for her because just....I know someone has to be in a horrible place to get to that point. I know she probably never had much of a chance to pull herself out of that because they were dirt poor when I knew them and probably stayed that way. The whole area was poor.

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post #11 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 09:25 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by SplendidBob View Post
However, bullies can change, because I was also a bully at school. I ended up bullying some other kids to deflect away the bullying from me. Am not at all proud of it. If I saw those kids I would just relentlessly apologise. But that is typically what bullying is, it doesn't occur in a vacuum with people just randomly deciding to bully others. There aren't excuses, but bullies usually have some ****ed up **** going on in their lives. Displacement, or something else.
I actually did something similar but only once. There was this one kid in our class who smelled terrible. I'm not sure what that was about but he sat close to me and the smell was just unbearable. I think he lived with a bunch of cats and they'd piss all over his clothes or something.

I kind of took out some of my frustrations on him briefly before I caught myself and realized what I was doing. It was really ****ty of me to do that too because no one liked him or wanted to be near him because of the smell. If anyone should have understood it should have been me.

Even though I didn't do it for very long I have always felt really guilty about that.

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post #12 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 11:11 AM
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I was bullied at 13 & 14, left school at 14, the main culprit was 2 years older than me, with a couple cronies tagging along, the main guy got involved with a bad crowd after that I heard, drugs etc.. hanged himself with his shoelaces in his mother's kitchen when he was 19 one morning at about 2am nobody heard anything & he wasn't discovered till the next morning, even though he was kinda central to ruining my self esteem & teenage years, I kinda feel bad for him cause I don't think he was a bad person & he woulda came around, his parents certainly weren't bad, don't know much about the others, don't really care much either.






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post #13 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 11:31 AM
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I don't know. I have a guess though and I can't prove it, but I think they mentally grew up after they finished school. I don't know about the dude that bullied me in the college though. Maybe he hasn't changed. Luckily I don't cross my path with any of them because I would still feel ****ty even seeing them.

It depends on the environment, but there are adult bullies that hang out/work in certain places. At least where I live. If the environment is more healthy and there are no people like them or if their behaviour is unacceptable and is openly judged in the community then they don't bully even if they have a tendency to do so. I think same would be with schools etc.

I don't think every person that bullies has ''NPD''. Apparently people call everyone that does ''evil'', bad stuff a ''narcissist'', but it's not true. This word is so villified. People who bully are different, not only narcissistic people do so and not necessarily every narcissistic person, especially not with NPD.

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post #14 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-11-2019, 01:17 PM
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One guy that gave me a hard time in 4th and 5th grade I googled, and there are articles about him beating his girlfriend. If I remember right he was convicted of beating her head with a bat. And I found his current facebook page at the time and he was married to another woman and had young kids. So yeah, he didn't change for the better. At least now he has a online record of how awful he is.

Another older bully died mysteriously a few years ago. Another guy joined the army special forces and has a pretty amazing resume.
A girl who treated me like crap and turned some friends against me is now a family psychologist with tons of facebook friends and people gushing about how wonderful she is. I didn't think she was such a nice person, she was a mean girl back then.

The major school bully from middle school to high school who gave everyone a hard time and was a two faced snake, I see him every couple years. Some times he ignores me other times he gives a big sadistic grin. So I doubt he's changed either.

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post #15 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-13-2019, 11:15 PM
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Sad to say but many bullies appear to have done better then myself. Looking at them on facebook anyway. Perhaps they are just showing me the good side however
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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-14-2019, 01:20 AM Thread Starter
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Sad to say but many bullies appear to have done better then myself. Looking at them on facebook anyway. Perhaps they are just showing me the good side however
Well, yeah. There's that but I just meant do you think their personalities ever changed? Like most of my bullies were (somewhat) intelligent, got good grades, had friends and had all the trappings of "normal" people but if they didn't like someone, the bully side was overwhelming. And they tended to not like anyone who they deemed to be beneath them. So it was more than just didn't get along. It was "Don't like you so I'm gonna make your life pure hell".

So yeah. I wouldn't be too surprised if most of them were more "normal" that way than I am. I just think that type of personality probably doesn't change too much (usually). I wouldn't be surprised if they bully certain people in their life, whatever they're doing now.

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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-14-2019, 01:52 AM
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I just think that type of personality probably doesn't change too much (usually). I wouldn't be surprised if they bully certain people in their life, whatever they're doing now.
...Yes since I've started working I've seen the same personality traits that made my life hell in school, although now I'm older, bigger, wiser better able to deal, they're basically the same only older the oldest I've seen was 63 he bullied everyone he thought beneath him & got the sack for starting a fight with a Polish worker <a href="http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/images/smilies/lol.gif" border="0" alt="" title="" >:-)</a>






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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-14-2019, 01:57 AM
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i dont care if they do, i don't care to speak to them ever again anyway

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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-14-2019, 02:00 AM
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I don't understand why anyone would know or know of the people who bullied them years later. That doesn't sound healthy.

I don't remember most of their names now, though I can still see their faces so clearly in my mind. Even if I could remember their names I wouldn't bother to look them up. I imagine most of them are living perfectly normal lives -- despite having almost made me take mine. Life is so seldom fair.

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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-14-2019, 02:26 AM Thread Starter
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I don't understand why anyone would know or know of the people who bullied them years later. That doesn't sound healthy.
Well, in my example, I didn't exactly go out of my way to re-encounter them. I grew up in a small town and in that kind of a place, you pretty much just can't avoid encountering the same people everywhere you go. I ran into them coincidentally many years later when I went back to visit family. I had honestly not thought about them for years.

But I'm sure it's fairly common for people to look up the people they used to know now that it is so easy. Bullies tend to not bully everyone. They do usually have friends. Their friends are also going to be mixed in with the people you probably did get along with so if you happen to be on Facebook or something, you would probably have a hard time avoiding at least knowing they still exist.

But aside from that, I am kind of just fascinated by how people often don't change that much and that's kind of what I was interested in for this thread. I noticed that whenever I run into people I knew absolutely ages ago, they're so different in a lot of ways but some basic things about them haven't changed a bit. I don't know. It's just an odd thought I have from time to time.

Anyway, it's also kind of funny that the world is sometimes a smaller place than it seems. I moved a thousand miles away from where I grew up and I just met a lady the other day who was from the same town I was born in (I could tell by the accent so I asked her where she was from).

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