Social anxiety is ruining my life
Hi, I’m a 20-year old and originally come from Germany.
I don’t know if this is the right place to write my feelings out but I’ll try!
I was always really introverted and shy. I had moments where I would be outgoing and fun .I used to have a stable group of girlfriends too even tho I was really quiet. My introverted nature started becoming more obvious after I turned 14. I locked myself into my room and wouldn’t leave it. My mother started becoming worried and started saying things I she didn’t mean (which probably made me even more introverted than I already was). I started having problems in school. My grades were really low. I cut ties with my friendship group in high school. I claimed that they mocked and bullied me for my height (i’m 5 feet). I also cut ties with my best friend. We knew each other for 7 years. Our home situation was such a mess. My grandfather was disabled and in hospital (he died in 2017). During that time my I spend my entire free time in my room. I was on my phone a lot. Even when we were sitting at the table, eating lunch. My mother even told my that she was going to send me to a psych ward if the situation wasn’t going to change.
At 17 I was diagnosed with Turner-Syndrome. I was in 11th grade at that time(this was in 2017). My teachers started telling me that I’m painfully shy and quiet. I remember one teacher who commented on my behavior at a meeting. I still have this statement in the back of my head : “you have such a wall around you. It’s like a wall full of bricks. You don’t interact with none of your classmates. You don’t show people who you really are”.
There was another teacher, my English teacher. She captured my heart very easily. She started at me multiple times. When she found out about my P. E exam. She probably knew that I was anxious and wanted to give me a sign through making eye contact. She also stared at me when a classmate cracked a joke and I was laughing. I noticed that she was wearing a necklace of the “tree of life”. She was also wearing a white flower in her hair constantly. She told us that she practiced Tai Chi which made her even more interesting to me. I believe that she was the catalyst of my spiritual awakening. Her energy was kind, generous and so warm!
From 2017-2019 I started having suicidal thoughts. I constantly kept saying on how I didn’t fit in and never will. I started deleting social media. And now here I am. Feeling super confused.
Is all of this normal? Or am I crazy? I deleted social media 10 months ago and it's freeing. However my puberty and this whole phone situation was a mix between depression, social anxiety, isolation and addiction. Anyone else experienced this as an INFJ and what's your opinion on social media? I found the behavior of my mother as a teenager manipulative and exaggerating even tho I'm ashamed of my behavior back then. She still brings it up, 5 years later. My uncle told me once that he saw me as immature and childish but I don't agree with that at all. My boss at work told me that meeting someone so self reflective at my age is super rare. So I would describe myself as wise and mature. I'm also a highly sensitive person and Empath. I get obsessed over something or someone and bored when it doesn't interest me anymore. Is that an INFJ thing too?
After that "little high" , I started talking about suicide and how I hated my life as I wrote above. I didn't belong here, I didn't fit in. I also said that I would rather live in the 80s/90s than right now. I hated social media and how teenagers are obsessed with it). How I can't find anybody to connect with and feel like an old soul trapped in a young body. I said stuff like 'my English teacher is the only one who "gets me" and my sensitivity. I also kept saying that that teacher was the person who stopped me from committing suicide. ("I wouldn't have been alive right now if it wasn't for her").
Long story short : I repeated the 12th grade and didn't make it to my A-levels. I also never told that teacher how much she meant to me. I have a job currently, plan on going back to school, i'm in therapy and hormone - replacement therapy for Turners. My therapist says my symptoms go into social anxiety.
I' m still confused tho. I used to be kinda addicted to my phone so why do I think about it so negatively now? And my former teacher? She used to give me so many compliments. I come from Germany. She used to tell me that I express myself "so beautiful and good, it's amazing". She referred to my English and my syntax.
This is a lot. But I needed to get this off my chest.