i had horrible social anxiety since i was 4 that i never got over. in 4th grade my cousins who were the only people i didnt have it around moved, by 23 social anxiety was a small problem compared to going 13 years without one person i didnt have it around and how i dealt with it . after high school I realized i missed everything and was stuck like this i hid from the world completly shut my mind off, i couldnt handle trying to figure out what was write/wrong thing to say, i thought i had to have a comedian level stand up joke every time i opened my mouth so i quit trying and lived in a fantasy world 24/7. (my family had a dairy farm, i literally didnt have to talk or deal with anybody i would run in hayloft if car came down driveway) and didn't even attempt to talk to anyone(dad was a narcasist mom =borderline personality disorder, although i did not know this for a long time, like age 27) in high school i would get of the bus(around people i never chose not to talk, my mind just completly shut down on me) and my mind clear me and id be like, o you couldve said that or made this joke, or told this story etc, but at 23 i didnt know what was wrong anymore i was just like a zombie all the time spending 5 years not attempting to talk to another human and living in a fantasy world 24/7 did some real damage, i didnt have any kind of personality anymore. and I didnt know what was wrong
I eneded up having to run the dairy farm, wich I never wanted to do that had me working 5am-7:30pm(longer if something broke/ animal was sick/calving or doing field work in spring summer) mon-sat and the basic chores milking feeding/cleaning took 5 hours on sunday in summer and 7 hours on sunday in winter sunday was my only day off. I went to church on sundays to try to work on getting better, I was hoping to get invited to party/ meet girls. I thought that was the point of life, to hook up with as many girls as possible live jershy shore/real world lifestyle, obviously I couldn't do this ,i would actualy get physicaly sick every sunday, throw up + migrane headache. this church was very different from the obne I grew up going to where the people lived like hell 6 days and then were super strict sunday, and the church was just a country club really. this church started from a group of alcoholics/drug addicts. everythinh was about jesus and their whole lives had been transformed, lots of powerful testimonies they lived 24/7 ran their business's etc for GOD . I realized that I never wanted anything to do with GOD just use him, and to live in a life in complete contrast to him I thought of him as genie in the lamp, I never cared about him at all. I new that I was praying and begging GOD to fix me to live a life (I had been praying since miidle school) in complete contrast to his ways. I didn't know where else to go so I kept going there, one day a girl was crying and all her friends were hugging comforting her, I couldn't take watching. I prayed and said I don't care about any of that(referring to the life of girls/partying) ill give up what I want/follow youre ways, you can have my life, just please let me have that. I got home felt this intense spirit and was 100%normal for about an hour, heard 3 different things on radio+tv about anxiety that were all true to me.
I got mad mad at GOD for not magicaly fixing me I threw stuff, cursed at him. one night crying, I prayed and said I was sorry for being mad at him and I was ok with everything, I would live how I was, and honor him with my life anyways however I could. I told him my plan for getting better, what I was going to work on and chang in my thought process and realized his purpose wasn't to give me everything I wanted , and I would honor him for who he is and what he did on the cross, not just what he can do. I woke up the next morning full of HOLY SPIRIT 100% fine then slowly reverted back to my messed up self, but I saw one layer at a time back to 6 years old my thought process and why I thought and reacted how I did,9take way to long to explain) people in my life etc. which was not even close to my self diagnosis. I came under major conviction of sin from what definitely was the HOLY SPIRIT .the HOLY SPIRIT showed me all my pride,lust covet how I wanted to be the biggest, best, it was all about people glorifying me and everybody paying attention to me. it was not my social anxiety, and the mess I caused from having it so long that were an issue, it was my heart, my inner thoughts, desires and my whole soul that were his concern, the same way he showed me what was wrong that caused my social anxiety to start and manly whatever damage living in isolation so long did, and I got nowhere prior to this happening, and everything that I saw when the HOLY SPIRIT came on me was correct and pointed me to fixing my issues, he showed me what was wrong with me as a person, my heart soul, desires and my need for a savior. he doesn't just leave you in your old dead way's either he gives you a new life led by the HOLY SPIRIT, a new heart, new mind new desire's
I ended up kinda walking away from the LORD I would watch porn first thing in morning to desentize myself even after having all this happen,what hit me hard was originally I just wanted to use GOD I didn't want to know him or anything about him but he loved me enough to reveal himself to me, help me and kept coming after me( I wanted to run off and party and only my terrible anxiety and inability to get better forced me to turn back to him) this hit me hard and made me want to learn more about him and it drew me to him and changed me, I was frustrated because so busy with the farm and was hard to get involved in the church, and didn't know where else to go. I asked him how am I supposed to do anything, a voice said "you can pray" staying on the farm seemed like a curse at first but b/c how do I get better when I can barley see people, but GOD wanted me to get to know him personally . my biggest regret is not doing this earlier I had nowhere else to turn, no1 to talk to and it was a long time before I quit desentizing myself however I could. I finally started to pray and listen to what GOD had to say to me. anyone going through something hard use that time to pray/ spend time with GOD, u wont regret it. staying on the farm with social anxiety brought me lots of time to get to know GOD and he showed me prayer is extremely lost thing in our churches today and it was the cornerstone of CHRIST when he was on earth, and of the apostles, and is the true power of the church and one of the reasons the church/Christianity is so weak and powerless. he also showed me how different the church/Christians are today and it is just a boring formality,religionism,that people check off on sunday some churches are more like country clubs they honor people and not CHRIST. GOD's presence isn't there, people just think of him as a genie in the lamp. one thing we don't talk about is sin and the new birth, HOLY SPIRIT convicting of sin. this far outweighed my social anxiety,and all the problems from going so long with out one person I didn't have it around. im glad I had so many problems b/c if I wasn't stuck on the farm like that I would not know of my need of a savior or Christ's love on the cross where he bore the sins for all who believe in him as the CHRIST.