Social Anxiety Forum - View Single Post - 40 year old virgin!
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post #1 of (permalink) Old 04-12-2009, 12:10 AM Thread Starter
endoftime
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 1

40 year old virgin!


That is what I don't want to end up as (the entirety of what the metaphor implies, not just the sex). I'm not sure if I have SA (or if I even believe that it exists - sorry), but it just seems like a lot of the "symptoms" that are talked about on this forum are Very Very similar to what goes through my head when I encounter people or anything like that - I can't even begin to explain all of it actually, and it really is frustrating.

But basically I'm a guy and I'm 18 in my last year of high school and I'm probably one of the shyest/weirdest people ever. I recall in Gr 9 and 10 I couldn't make friends with anyone in my classes cause I just felt so anxious and ****ed up when I was about to start a conversation so I resorted to either hiding in the library at lunch at one of those closed study things, or hiding in a washroom stall. Now that I think of it, it's actually extremely messed up: I knew that people would eventually see me every day in the library, so the washroom stall was a way of sort of "covering my tracks" - ("oh well he's not Always in the library, I guess he has friends or something."). And then, after I suspected some kids who liked to bother me knew I was hiding in the washroom eating lunch (no "big fish", just the petty thugs who no one likes anyway - not too bad), I started to "take walks" at lunch time around the local ravine (they caught me once!). I eventually got out of this after one odd (but in a different way) guy befriended me in Gr 10, leading me to end up with two to three guys I stick around and am not that inhibited with.

I'm not sure if any of that has any relevance to you guys or if anyone in the history of western civilization has ever done something as socially awkward and ****ed-to-hell as that, or if I'm just extremely strange for doing it and so should not talk to anyone anyway. But as far as I can see, a kid who acts like that around other kids has some social issue. The reason I think it might be SA is because in Gr 9 I was given a free "SA questionnaire" in one of my classes to be filled out and handed in (I don't think it was mandatory). I read the questions and thought, "what the ****, I fit this description 100%, there are other people with no friends? It's not supposed to be shameful and require repression of memories to deal with?" (I still try to forget most of those years when I can, sort of how a reformed convict might choose to forget prison and start all over again). Anyway, being the shy little kid I was, there was no way in hell I was going to hand that in and be called down to the office one day over the PA for everyone to hear: "so-and-so, please come to the office immediately, your social retardation has been identified. Report now for transfer to a Nutjob camp!" So lucky for me, the teacher never asked for it back - she must have forgotten. (When I think about it, that is Absolutely ****ing Sad - the only chance some kid in trouble could have had was simply entirely forgotten about, since no one with SA would come forward themselves). Getting back to the point one more time, I've thought ever since then that I might actually have some of this strange "disorder", since my reaction to whatever I have/had seems to have been particularly weird and scary (the whole hiding from other kids thing).

But nowadays I at least do not feel like I have to escape or disappear in order to avoid everyone realizing I have no friends, because I do have a couple. I'm also rather good at giving formal presentations even for 10 minutes to a full class (but Terrible if someone were to ask me questions!), and I've even been in more formal interview situations where I've "kept the ball moving" so-to-speak. I can even talk to one or two relatively confident and out-going people without being Too anxious. Girls are a Completely different issue though, hence the title. So what I'm really wondering is if anyone who knows for sure they have SA has had a similar experience as I have, either growing up or currently. Because if it's true and I do have it, maybe I can rethink things. And maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty about not joining a soccer team, swimming lessons, summer camp, or even in school sometimes when they make you feel like not taking a "leadership role" or being and "active speaker" is a disgusting sin to god and is all your fault for being lazy and weak and cowardly...

*Also you can post tl;dr if it really is way too long to read. Just wanted to make sure I get across the point that I feel almost the Exact same way a lot of you describe on here...*
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