I always feel like I should be doing something, but there's nothing really that I'd like to do. I don't really enjoy doing much of anything anymore. Everything I do makes me feel restless. Does anyone else feel that way? I don't want to do nothing, but doing something seems equally as bad. So I spend most of my time alone in my room. I hate it, but I don't know what else to do. I think it's really bothering my roommate too because she has a life and things to do and doesn't understand why I'm hiding in my room all the time. I don't want to hide in my room....I just don't know how to deal with people or life anymore.....nothing makes me happy or maybe happy is too much to expect. I'd just like to be o.k. but nothing makes me feel o.k. I keep thinking about a quote from the movie 'Heathers' that goes "Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life?" Because in one sense it kind of feels like I'm dead emotionally, but my physical body is still alive so I have to figure out something to do with my life as long as I'm physically still alive. Does that make any sense?
I've been told something by my parents my whole life that never made sense to me. That Jesus fills the void. It never made any sense. In fact God doesn't make sense, let alone that he has a Son, which also made no sense. So as a result, I've lived the last many years believing that I don't know what's true, and that it's all chaos. Because that's what it feels like.
At this point in my life, at 27, I am still unsure of what is true. But I do know one thing. There is a severe void inside my heart. A staggering, empty chasm. And it demands to be filled with something. That is what every single person on this planet is doing. Filling it with something. People don't think they're talented, they develop a view of themselves that's horrible, and that they have no meaning. So they involve themselves in things to numb the pain like drugs, alcohol, porn, or even resort to suicide.
Others have lots of talent. And in fact they seem to find peace, serenity, and joy about it. I think what those kinds of people have is faith. They've seen that they can accomplish things, and instills this faith inside, and this faith is what drives them to do everything. What's more, the more faith they have in one thing, they wonder why they can't have it in another. And this is where they summon the strength. The ironic thing is about some of these people is that they're succeeding also at distracting themselves. Distracting themselves from the reality that it's all going to end. That no matter what careers they reach, what goals they reach, what amazing feats they complete, if there is no God, no reality beyond life, and no existence that has deep meaning, then this life is simply pointless.
I'm beginning to wonder what it is about Christ that gives people such joy and hope. Because they believe so adamantly that Jesus, and what he did, is of such significance and such beauty, that it's an example so powerful that it is the ultimate source of strength for people. The idea that they don't have to fear death because Jesus will give them life. The idea that they don't have to fear God's punishment because Jesus paid the price of damnation. The idea that they don't have to feel pointless because Jesus promises a grand meaning for them that will blow their minds.
So the first question I have is if what they say about Jesus did in fact historically happen, which is what I'm trying to find out, then it's of more importance than anything can be. The only question that plagued my mind was that if Jesus is required to be saved, why wouldn't God make it more plain to people through some kind of miraculous thing? Well if this man's story is true, then perhaps he is doing something to help people. I hope you'll watch this special. It brought me to tears. It will play as one big playlist.