Social Anxiety Forum - View Single Post - The Toxic Shame thread (the cause of SA for most)
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post #18 of (permalink) Old 09-07-2010, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
SAS Member
Join Date: May 2004
Gender: Male
Posts: 614
In my previous post, I talked about how I felt I didn't really have a personality because of my lifetime of toxic shame. I then talked about how I am now over my social anxiety - but that my problem now is that I don't know how to act around others and that I am now this socially inept person with no real personality (because my toxic shame had robbed me the chance to develop a real personality).

While all the above is true, I wanted to let everyone know that I was venting my frustration of finally realizing my dream of getting over my SA but being frustrated because of not being able to immediately start living the "normal" life, and not being able to immediately display the personality that I've always imagined I would have. I'm not saying that I've expected myself to become "Mr. Personality" or "the life of the party", but I certainly imagined I would have a solid, workable personality and way of acting around others in that I would automatically "fit in", just like I see other (I hate saying this phrase) "normal people" easily do. When I say "normal people", I'm talking about people that never had SA/toxic shame issues or any other major emotional/psychological issues. I'm talking about those people that developed their personality normally while growing up, without it being stunted in any major way.

Yes, my previous post showed my frustration for not having the personality I want to have right now. However, I was so focused on my frustration in that post that I neglected to mention that there IS a book I am following to help me develop a true solid personality. It's the book I mentioned previously, titled: No More Mr. Nice Guy written by Dr. Robert Glover. First of all, this book has nothing to do with making a person into a jerk. Far from it. This superb book teaches a man how to be a man. Really, it teaches a person how to be a solid, internally strong, integrated person. Even though it is written for men, I believe some of the book will benefit women as well (edit: for the women here... please read again post #10 - the edited portion - in which I talk a similar book written specifically for women). Dr. Glover's book has excellent advice and also "Breaking Free Activities" of which will help you. One of the important things I've learned from this book that has really helped me is: "Stop seeking the approval of others". I know you've probably heard similar statements like this before, but after reading Dr. Glover's book you will view this statement in a new light and realize how correct this statement really is. Dr. Glover in his book goes into more detail regarding that statement of why it is so important not to seek the approval of others. I think this - implementing that statement - is one of the big things that helped me get over my severe blushing that I've talked of earlier in this thread (but other things I learned from Dr. Glover and John Bradshaw as well contributed to overcoming my blushing).

I've actually seen more than once people post in other forums that Dr. Glover's book is now their "Bible".

Anyway, I am just letting everyone know there IS hope for anyone that feels your SA/toxic shame has caused your personality to be stunted (or if you feel you have no real personality at all because of your SA/toxic shame). And there certainly is hope you can overcome your SA by overcoming your TS.


"Shyness can be a serious problem when it is rooted in toxic shame." - John Bradshaw, toxic shame expert

Visit this thread link to find out the cause of SA for most of us and what to do about it:
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