I don't have any friends either.
In high school I did.There were two girls which I considered to be best friends back then.I talk to them occasionally and have met up with them a couple of times,but I don't consider us friends.Back then I just thought that they were friends with me out of pity so when I moved away I distanced myself from them.I did not see the effect this had on our relationship because I was too busy thinking that they didn't really like me.
I think they look back at our time together with joy,seems like it at least and we had a lot of good times,but one of my friends also made me feel like some mistakes she made in the past were my fault or that I contributed to them happening.I feel that this is quite unfair of her because I did not tell her to do those things.She seems to have some regret towards me and I'm not thinking this because of anxiety.It's things that she has said and expressed towards me.Makes me feel sad that she feels that way because she knows about my SA.
Looking back brings a smile on my face,we really did some wild and fun things,but also sadness since I don't have that anymore.
My social life was a lot more easy back then,I had people to do things with,talk to while now things are so hard sometimes and I have no one that's close to me that I can talk to and do things with.
Even online friendships are hard for me.I think I tend to distance myself from people and I'm having a hard time opening up.I always think that I'm bothering people,that they don't want to talk to me.
This is the hardest for me,establishing relationships with people that are healthy and good for me.