Triggers

What are your triggers?

Mine are hearing about how people are close to their families and having supportive friends/network.

And when I know I'm treated differently because of the way I look.

When I'm triggered I would feel sad.

But one trigger that sets me off in which I become enraged and overwhelmingly hurt is witnessing my dad being engaging with my cousin and being happy for her.

Every now and then when I witness that I get so overwhelmed that I slam doors and I punch the wall. I then feel so ashamed afterwards.

She got a new job and yesterday she came over. He was happily asking her about it and so excited for her. He rarely ask me anything about my job. I understand that this is our dynamic because he was emotionally distant during my childhood, but it still hurts.

Add to the fact that he would usually mutter or get annoyed even when I ask him a question like where mum is. He is always complaining and whiny around me.

Yesterday I threw my tablet against the wall and it left marks. I punched the wall several times. I slammed doors. I cried. I howled. I didn't expect that howl to come out of me. I was shocked. I thought it would be a croaked scream but a howl came out.

I hate it when I'm triggered like that.