When I see my body, I see the source of all
my problems. Pretty much everything can be traced back to the shape of my body. So not having any kind of strong reaction to it would be like having no strong reaction to any of my problems. Which would be nice, but, yeah ... hard to get there, lol.
I'd really like to get to that point. I have a very asymmetrical face/head because my jaw is misaligned. It's sort of kidney bean-shaped from the front. I have a large skull, too. (I have trouble finding hats that fit.) But I have dozens of problems with my body. A lot of the problem is that when I see my body I'm reminded of why I have to be afraid when I leave the house. With gender dysphoria, you basically either stay in the closet until the depression kills you, or you transition (and somebody else kills you, lol). Since I can't pass I have to worry about my physical safety. And most of my symptoms revolve around that (insomnia, nightmares, hypervigilance, phobias, panic attacks, etc.).
I've always done my best to ignore my body and focus on the things I can control, which is why I turned into a book nerd, but it's always created problems for me. (Like, it took me a really long time to find permanent employment, and I think a lot of that was because I'm not exactly customer service material.) And appearance just gets more and more important. I can't effectively promote my writing because I can't put up photos of myself, or do interviews, or share stuff on social media. So I can't compete with all the writers who can do that (since writing is part of the entertainment industry and that's how you make fans).
I don't look angry. I look very anxious, though, because of the way seeing myself makes me feel. I can't really smile because my teeth are really bad (my two front teeth are fake and they're cracked/stained because I can't afford to replace them). So the best I can manage is a closed-lip smile. I know that other people don't like to look at me, and I feel bad about that, too.