Social Anxiety Forum - View Single Post - How can people stand to look at themselves
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post #17 of (permalink) Old 10-19-2020, 03:50 AM Thread Starter
truant
Narcissistic Rageaholic
 
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 48
Posts: 10,043
My Mood: Brooding
I got my webcam today. Anxiety was pretty gut-wrenching, but I've been psyching myself up for over a week now and I forced myself to figure out how to use it. It's sort of funny because I know I'm ugly, so I expected to be hideous, but I didn't expect to be this hideous, lol. I'm actually quite a bit uglier than I thought I was. I guess because it's been a while since I've looked and people get uglier over time. I have some pretty notable facial asymmetry and did some Googling and, honestly, the only people I can find online who are uglier than I am are people with facial deformities from birth defects or injuries. I'm a meme waiting to happen. Especially if I start presenting more feminine. I'll need heroic levels of determination to be seen in public en femme. I'm basically every trans woman's worst nightmare realized. Yay me!

I'm not really sure what to think about it. On the one hand, if I were to make YT videos about being ugly, there would be an actual ugly person making videos, instead of average/attractive people with BDD who just think they're ugly, and maybe that would help someone feel less alone or better about themselves (I'm not sure how, though). On the other hand, I doubt I'd get more than 5 subscribers, so who'd ever see the videos? I'm also afraid that if I do make videos about trans issues anti-trans activists will use my image/videos for hate propaganda, since I'm basically the kind of person everyone is afraid of. ("Do you want this man going into a restroom with your daughter?" I can imagine it now...) I don't want to make things worse for trans people by putting my face out there. I'm almost a shoo-in for one of Blaire White's videos if she ever gets wind of me, lol.

What I really want to do is kill myself, but I don't think I can get assisted suicide for being ugly. But ... damn, I really should. We have to draw the line somewhere, lol.

Beauty isn't everything. It's the only thing.
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