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post #13 of (permalink) Old 10-17-2020, 05:02 AM Thread Starter
Narcissistic Rageaholic
truant's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 48
Posts: 10,038
My Mood: Brooding
Well, I did it. I ordered a webcam off Amazon. I'm not sure I'll use it, and I might regret spending the money, because I don't have a lot of it, but I guess I'll find out.

@Alleviate Suffering Yeah, that "everyone is beautiful" nonsense drives me crazy. I can't convince myself of something that isn't true. But if you reject it, you're made to feel shallow and superficial. So not only do you have to deal with being ugly, you get told you have a rotten personality and people tell you that you're creating all your problems yourself with your lousy attitude. Gee, thanks, I feel so much better now, lol.

Interestingly, I take that "intellectual curiosity" approach toward my life in general. I have to, because it's so psychologically painful. I have to frame my own experience in a way that makes the relentless tide of **** seem "interesting" and "novel". Sure, my life's terrible, and no one would want to live it, but hey, no one else is having these experiences, and that makes them "special". All the "value" of my life comes from it's "uniqueness". If I stopped existing, then this particular version of hellworld would cease to exist and that would be a loss (somehow, in some way) to the universe. When all your experiences are painful, you have to turn to aesthetics. "This is terrible! But I have to admit, it's kind of interesting. What an adventure!" <- This is literally how I have to approach every day of my life to keep from self-destructing, since I have nothing to look forward to. (That got kind of dark, but hey, that's interesting, too, isn't it? Lol.) I've tried this with my appearance, observing it with detachment as an object, but tbh when I look in the mirror I feel like I'm in Jacob's Ladder and there's only so much interestingness I can take before I feel like smashing something.

Thanks for the reply.

@WillYouStopDave Did making the videos help you mind the way you look less? Or did you feel that way when you started?

@Curmudgeon64 I have thought about using avatars for YT videos but I don't have the technical chops for that. I know next to nothing about video editing, let alone animation. And I'm not at all artistic. I can't afford to hire anyone to do that kind of thing, either.

@SplendidBob Yeah, idk, I'm not disputing the design, but it sounds like an awful lot of work, lol. I'd have to buy the paper. And then look at myself in the mirror to even attach the paper. I feel like I'd just end up not doing it because I can't be arsed. I'm not good with things that require a lot of preparation or planning at the best of times, and these days I'm happy if I get pants on in the morning. Like, if I were capable of starting and continuing a process like this, I would be capable of getting off my *** and writing every day, too, and then maybe I could afford to buy pants to put on in the morning, and I'm just not. I have a lot of trouble motivating myself to do anything these days. I think the kind of interventions you're talking about demand a level of commitment that itself depends on feeling like you have the ability to make your life better through your own efforts. And I've basically lost that feeling. My goal every day is no longer self-improvement, but finding a way to not kill myself. And that's about all I can manage. I do keep everything you say in mind, though, so thanks.

Beauty isn't everything. It's the only thing.
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