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post #9 of (permalink) Old 10-16-2020, 09:07 AM
Alleviate Suffering
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Gender: Male
Age: 32
Posts: 142
For me it was about learning to detach myself emotionally from what I was seeing. I used to look at myself in the mirror, or in a photo, and it would trigger all the horrendous memories of bullying and abuse that I experienced simply because of the way I looked. It would remind me that my appearance had barred me from any kind of relationship, or physical intimacy and I would feel a visceral sense of anger. I would look at my body and would hate it for what it had done to my life. Judging by your comments it seems like you are going through something similar, a sense of association between your body and the pain you have been through. Worst of all for me was that I had read so much about how the key to getting better is to start seeing yourself as beautiful and I felt guilty that I couldn't. Of course the reason I couldn't was because it's nonsense. I am not beautiful.

I only started to get better when I began to look at myself more objectively. I am ugly I would say to myself but what is it that makes me ugly? What is distinctive about my appearance? I began to analyse my own appearance in great detail and the emotional despair I felt when looking in the mirror was replaced with intellectual curiosity. I became fascinated and curious about my ugliness. I felt like I was analysing a weird painting, or poem. I turned it into an academic experience instead of an emotional experience. And I started to accept who I was. I was ugly but it was interesting because I was also different. People gave me abuse for me being ugly but that didn't make me a monster. I deserved a life. I didn't deserve to have to hide myself from other people. Because why should I hide just because I don't fit any conventional measure of beauty? Admittedly this approach may have only worked for me because I am such a weirdo.

I know for you it's way more complicated then just feeling ugly and I realise you may have received more abuse than I ever have. And I am sorry. Sadly anyone who is trans is liable to get that. But I do get pretty regular abuse from strangers on the street so I at least have some kind of sense of what you have been through. I hope that one day you reach a point where you no longer feel like you need to hide anymore. Take care.

Hi my name is Matt. How are you today?
"The box will have wings like an aeroplane. And you ask where will it take you? Home I will say"
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