Social Anxiety Forum - View Single Post - How can people stand to look at themselves
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post #3 of (permalink) Old 10-15-2020, 05:25 AM
Myosr
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: NK
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@truant

I tried something about a year ago. I'd try to look as 'best as I could' as if I'm going out with someone I like, and then like do video journaling. Talk about stuff that worries or bothers me.

It took enormous effort to just say anything that made sense, because I'd have to be suppressing a lot of "EW I'M UGLY. EW MY VOICE. EW THE CRINGE" screaming in my head. I got through a couple of short videos in the end where I'm like talking about SA and being cute and vulnerable and stuff.

I first sent my best video to a friend I have that has literally never judged me about anything. So I knew beforehand she'd say something nice.

I ended up uploading it to my Facebook too (just 30 people there, none of them IRL people, a very predictable environment). I got a lot of likes and love reactions, which kinda made me feel okay about my face and voice for a bit.

I never tried that again though. It took a lot of mental effort, and also there's a "diminishing returns" to people being supportive and nice if they don't care about you. There's sort of a novelty to vulnerability that makes people respond supportively and encouragingly (if that makes any sense). However, if I like try to do these videos every week or something, they'd start seeing it as pathetic or manipulative (depending on how vulnerable I act).

There's also the option of not showing vulnerability at all and just hiding it, but then there's a risk of someone being (unintentionally) mean or say something that completely destroys my self-esteem. I'd never consider doing a YT video. People are just too mean on the general web.

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I try to avoid my photo being taken in general because I look so ugly. If someone does it anyway, I try to detach from it. I've also try to overemphasize my flaws in my own head so I'm never shocked by any photo of mine. I know exactly what freakish things to expect and look for in my face. If it ends up looking a little better, I can feel a little relieved. No sure if that's very healthy though.

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Anyway, I'd recommend the video journal thing at least once if you've never tried it. You also may need to be thinking of someone specific you'll be showing it to, who wouldn't be critical at all and always supportive. Doing videos for myself alone never really worked for me. It just made me feel worse because I wasn't trying hard enough I think.

& Best of luck with the therapy I didn't know you started that. Hope it's helpful.

Mucus is a living thing you know
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