Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread
Well I had a toxic friendship but I didn't really like them at all ever from about the age of 6-10 we weren't even 'friends' it was just hard to get away from them because doing so drew too much attention from other people but I basically jumped on the first chance I had to get away from them 100% at 18 and didn't look back. It's difficult to write about partly because I've blocked out various details especially when very young, but I haven't really come across anyone else who has described a similar situation to what I went through maybe some similar details but it was just bizarre really and isn't really similar to your case.
So yeah I'm not sure about how to deal with the part where you still need the person for your own emotional attachment. I think it happens when you don't have any other relationships or support (which is also why abusive people try to turn people against you or cut you off from other people.) But you definitely need to get away from him because he definitely sounds like a narcissist and he's shown that he doesn't actually care about your feelings since he's OK with hurting you.
The difficult part is, especially as an adult, finding new quality relationships is hard. If you could find a decent quality therapist that might work in the mean time though.
I'm sorry to hear you went through something toxic for that long when you were younger. I agree that my lack of other strong relationships outside this one definitely made this codependency harder to break from. I don't think he ever intentionally prevented my from reaching out to other people and making other, strong bonds. But I don't think he encouraged it either. I feel like I am partly to blame for that.
And I am definitely getting away. I have plans to move, I'm just waiting on him to find his own living arrangement so we can put in our 30 day notice for the lease. Right now he is also staying at his mom's place, so it's forcing some space.
The ****ty thing is, yeah I feel alone and I'm stuck questioning my reality even. Like am I the narcissist? Am I to blame for this situation? Am I the crazy one?
I'm going to hang out with some family tomorrow, but I can't for very long because I have to come back & take care of my cat. I wish I could just take a long vacation and be with people who care about me.
A therapist is probably a good idea, if my insurance will cover it.