I don't find meaning in anything.
I don't find hope in the future.
I spend most of my time at work.
I don't hate my job, I don't like it.
I spend any remaining time in my room.
I never go anywhere else.
I haven't had any irl friends since 2013.
Most people work because they need the money for something. I never really use my money because I live with my parents, and they are okay with treating me as a disabled thing. And I don't think I can be on my own, because I'm so mentally ill and not for financial reasons.
I stopped wanting anything, and nothing I want can be bought with money anyway.
My IQ is average, so it means I have to work as hard as everyone else there, who have no crippling mental issues to deal with. My work will never be a source of satisfaction for me.
I'm constantly under stress trying to hide all my issues.
I just have nothing better to do. And I get to interact with other people under some pretense.
Everyone at my job is either married, or married and has a kid or two. And they live for their families I guess.
I've never wanted that ever, but I am still surrounded by people who live very traditional lives, have very common goals and dreams. I feel envious of them, because I don't have any goals or dreams, or even a value system. Their life seems so straightforward it's so frustrating.
My interaction with other people is 99.9% meaningless and not genuine.
I have no sense of identity. Whenever I try to take off my masks, I find more masks, and nothing underneath those.
There probably is something real and ugly I can't find, though, I'm not sure if I will ever find it.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a never ending dream, and my stream of consciousness has became more muted. But it isn't really by choice. I feel less in this dreamy state when I'm being genuine with someone, but that's so rare and always limited. I barely relate to anyone's life experience.
I'm very convinced there can ever be meaning in any person's life without some social context. I think the whole illusion of a meaningful existence is extremely tied to us being social animals.
I want that to be wrong though, since my life has no social context, and likely never will.
Not sure how to end this
I'm thinking of going back to therapy. But the hope is always so exhausting. I'm not even sure what to tell my psychiatrist.