seems like this is driven by your choices/perfectionism.
My choices have been to better myself, I was a total state rolling back the clock 2-3 years ago. Yet at the same time why should i have to be the one to bother with people all the time to so much as have a convo with my "friends"? It's a two way stream and shouldn't be one sided. I admit that i have made so many mistakes but this is not perfectionism.
I've been on multiple sites for friendship, while primary dating sites I put on them that i was looking for friendship only and it was either me getting hit on or ignored, to be honest I get why women barley reply on social sites now.
I don't want loads of friends, just a few that i can have a laugh with.
As for the rest of it, my drive & passion is something i've been working on, I'm just in a rut and was asking for help.