What you say about being too concerned with yourself strikes a chord with me at this point in my life. I have far less faith in how I'll be from one day to the next to be able to invest much time in another person. It takes all my energy just to deal with myself, which I find very annoying. Fortunately I have my ex-wife and my son.
The first rule of the jungle is self-preservation. It seems that this requires you to look after number 1 first. But this should only applicable when in danger. Maybe being too concerned with self and seeing danger everywhere is what makes a person self absorbed. So self absorption might just be another form of social anxiety?
I used to have a lot of friends when I was younger - I'm not a hard person to get along with, or I wasn't before. I think it's as
said - people can sense if you're caring and decent and they'll want to be around you. It's pretty hard to fake caring about someone - or liking them. Just as I think it's probably impossible for anyone else to say what you should be looking for in another person. That's an extremely personal thing - I've been close to people that were very different to me, but there was just something about each other that we liked.
I do consider myself a caring and decent person. I am a 'pleaser', who only wants to please absolutely everyone. It seems that I am always liking people from a distance though. I take great pleasure in watching people. Babies thrill me. Good looking men thrill me in a different way. Often I'll see little kind things I can do for people , but I do not follow through, out of fear that it might elicit a social engagement for which I am totally unprepared. And when it's a guy, I wonder if I should make an attempt at all, because I might have unsavory ulterior motives, for a man who has committed to someone. I have a wife and son too, and I know how comforting and supportive it is to have someone who loves you. Sorry to hear that your marriage failed, but with the loving support that they provide you, one can not really say that it failed. And they must be getting something out of the relationship or they wouldn't stick with you.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.