Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: United States, Northeast
I unfortunately have been thinking about it since I was 11. I had an existential crisis when I was 11. I had to stay home from school. I was depressed for 2 weeks. I knew better than want to get older. Every other kid was trying to rush growing up. I knew better.
I think my coping mechanism for death is worrying about it before it happens. So that when it does I already think I knew it was going to happen. It's a horrible way to live day in and day out to be honest. It doesn't help I work in the ER. In a few months I'm going to try to transfer so that I don't have to see death and all the sick people anymore. It's not good for me, obviously. Hope that another department hires me.
I want to go to a therapist to see if they can help me find a way to stop thinking about it. We just bought a house. I'm hoping when we finally move in I'll be able to distract myself enough that I won't think as much.
It's just crazy knowing people won't be here forever. One day they just poof and can no longer speak to you or see you. I like to believe there is an afterlife (I've had some experiences). But I can't stay I'm certain there is. Why would God even make cancer possible?
It's even harder when you have severe social anxiety. I don't have proper relationships with anyone. I'm not good at calling people or staying in contact or just visiting people to catch up. It makes me look like a careless ***** and I hate it. But at the same time, anytime I've put myself out there it seems to backfire. And I can't snap my fingers and make it go away.
The only solution seems to be excepting the way things are and not ask questions. But having memories still makes the whole thing sad.
Death is one of those things that nobody has an answer for. No doctor or therapist has an answer. We all just know it happens. But I need to find some sort of way to not think about it all day long. This past year has just been nothing but finding out about horrible medical problems. I'm so over it. There's literally nothing worse than dealing with this. And I know some people have it even worse than I do and truthfully I don't know how they go on.
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shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to.