Social Anxiety Forum - View Single Post - Does Reality Make You Uncomfortable?
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post #31 of (permalink) Old 05-12-2019, 08:09 PM Thread Starter
DukeDuck
Duke Duck
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,255
My Mood: Goofy
Quote:
Originally Posted by truant View Post
Well, they do eventually. It's called death.

I'm going to put the rest in spoiler tags, because honestly, no one wants to read this. It's just pointless ranting.

 

Some kinds of pain are fairly consistent. I'm extremely anxious about being homeless. That's one that is basically always there. Along with my fear of not being able to buy groceries. Or of getting sick because I can't afford health insurance. Having to devote nearly every waking moment to work feels like a form of slavery, since I never really get time off. (I love my job, though, so it's not all bad.) Loneliness comes and goes about as often as hunger, and is about as painful for me. And that'll never change because of the way I look. (Though I've heard it's good to stay hungry.) If I leave the house, I have to watch my back because a lot of people don't like people like me. I have to be careful because I have vertigo. (Which also frequently leads to nausea.)

My worst problem is the intrusive thoughts from my OCD, which are extremely graphic, violent, and disturbing. I don't get them all the time, but they're really not pleasant when I do. They trigger suicidal ideation. I get migraines several times a week. Currently, my gastrointestinal pain is acting up, so I've spent the last couple weeks with burning/gnawing sensations in my intestines and bad bloating/constipation. (Probably cancer by this point.) I have nightmares most nights, most of which wake me up, and insomnia, which means I'm usually exhausted. I have a persistent hallucination, which drives me crazy. I have tinnitus, which drives me crazy. I frequently get chest pains from my anxiety. My sister calls me up to several times a day, paranoid and delusional, so I sit around dreading phone calls.

I have other problems. The gender dysphoria (a problem that never goes away); the weird feeling of alienation I get looking at myself, which immediately sends me into depressive tailspins; my phobias (and my house full of mildly venomous spiders), my crazy brother who stinks up my house because he can't look after himself, my sister's hoarding, etc., etc. I lose track of it all. This is just my life from day to day. Not all of it at once, but a bit of this, a bit of that, several at a time and all the time. There are so many things wrong with my life that I simply can't afford to take time off from dealing with them. My whole life is oriented around survival, about getting from today to tomorrow. (Which makes it pretty ****ing hard for me to compete with people who don't have all these problems since I waste so much time managing mine.)

And ofc, no one actually believes my life is this bad because who's life is this bad? I wouldn't believe me either. I shouldn't even be posting on SAS; I should be working. But as I can't seem to eradicate my social hunger, and I get burnt out, I take breaks now and then. But now it's off to bed because I have to be up in a few hours so I can go and visit my insanely dysfunctional family.

That's rough. I'm sorry
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