Social Anxiety Forum - View Single Post - The Toxic Shame thread (the cause of SA for most)
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post #630 of (permalink) Old 02-23-2019, 10:13 AM
SAS Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 11
Toxic Shame comes from our hurt inner child. He got shamed at some point in his life. I am in progress to heal my inner child. There are several inner child meditations and one toxic shame meditation on YouTube. Go and do them. Read the book (Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child) from John Bradshaw. Feel your hurt inner child. Cry. Get angry. Get anxious. Embrace him. Embrace you. Accept yourself. Accept your shame. Itīs your inner child that is scared and shamed. Itīs not you. You are not broken. He is not broken. He is ok as he is. You are ok as you are.

It will be hard. It will hurt. It will take time. I still fall back in my old role (shy/people pleaser) pretty often. Some times I can switch to my confident self. Then I fall back to my shame self (looking for love and approval from others). Then I realize I am in that role again.

Do not expect love and approval from others. Nobody but you can give you the love you need. I lived it. Just 8 months before I got dumped by my ex girlfriend. She have given me the love I never got in all my life. It felt so incredible, words can not describe. She was playing the perfect loving mother I never had. I realized this after the brake up. She gave me the love my mother never gave me. And then she left me for some macho playboy guy. Complete opposite of me. She played it all just to heal her own wounds and find some idiot to marry. But then she built power through me, came back to life and dumped me for him. I was close to death after that. Because it hurt so incredibly much. But I fought. I realized, she hurt my vulvernable inner child I showed her. I realized, nobody can give me this kind of love, my child needs. As soon as I show this vulvernable child to somebody else, it will get hurt again. So I need to heal his pain. I need to approve that he is great. I need to give him the love he expects from others.

Give yourself approval and love by loving your inner child. You are not shy. It is just a part of you. Just read the book "Embracing ourselfs: The Voice Dialogue Manual" and then go to a therapist and see how you magically get desidentified from your shy self. Discover your other parts. Your confident parts. You have them inside you. Then train it. Give yourself some love. Give all your parts love. They are all yours. It will not be easy. And you will fall back into your old shy role pretty often. Because it was your primary self all of your life. But realize, there are different parts inside you as well. You are not just that shy person. You just learned to be this shy personality all of your life. It is not easy to "get rid" of that role. I hope I will be some day at that point where I can decide wich part of me I want to be at any moment. Thats the goal of the voice dialogue method.
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