I burned my dinner so I'm feeling pretty useless right now.. Doing module 2 after all. Don't want to take too much space in one day.. and I don't want to bump this up tomorrow when the more interesting and useful topics are on top and this thing has gone to another page...
Module 2 - Understanding Perfectionism
How did I become a perfectionist?
As kid, my parents would praise me for every thing I did. Everyone would compliment my "art". My parents would work really hard to support the family. They would often work late or take work home. I feel as working hard is more important than having fun. I can't even find reasonable arguments to suggest otherwise. The site calls this "modeling". I've always wanted them to be proud of me.
My grandmother would be very vocal when I did errors. I remember once I washed my room by myself before she visited. I felt so proud. Obviously I did a **** job. I had forgotten to wash behind the door and I didn't wash the lamp. Of course grandma noticed, and she told me how fitly I was. Later she called some relatives (Who I still haven't met) and told them what a filthy girl her daughter has. This really hit me. It was wrong to feel so proud of doing such a **** job. I still can't live up to her standards. She will comment on other people judging them harshly, for their "mistakes". She also constantly pick on my mother for everything that's "wrong" with her.
Then we have my ex. I once told him it would take 15 minutes to walk to the restaurant, it took 17. He was so pissed he yelled me out in public for not being able to tell time and demanded I apologize. I refused I felt humiliated and was really upset about this for days. He made it abundantly clear that if I wasn't 100% sure of something, I should rather shut my mouth instead of making an idiot of myself. Of course this happened several times over the 4 years we were together.
I don't blame them for this. I do blame myself though. I shouldn't (have) let that impact me like that. I feel like **** for writing this, but.. I'm not going to delete it this time. Whatever I write in here, I'll keep. This is to help me. Hoping I won't have to regret too much of this. Anyways.. Moving on.
Rules for living
This part is just about the unhelpful rules and assumptions that are related to the perfectionism. I suspect you could say that there are a lot of worked in ANT's (Automatic negative thoughts) involved. At least for me it is.
Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions
Setting Even More Demanding Standards
√ Doing well isnít good enough, I have to do better
√ If I donít strive to achieve higher standards, I am a lazy and useless person
√ Losing those 5 kg. wasnít enough. I need to get down to a smaller size
Fear Of Failure
√ I must do things perfectly
√ I must not fail
■ I canít have others think poorly of me
√ If I try, then I will only fail
√ If I make a mistake then I will be rejected
√ If I put my work out there, then others will think badly of me
√ I have to go over any work I do, several times, before I can show it to anyone else
■ I have to weigh myself several times a day to make sure Iím not gaining weight
Embrace the glorious mess that you are