I'm a dead man walking
I'm so ****ing tired of this. I seek people to help me, I have no friends, I've kind of asked acquaintances/family and it just made it worse. I followed advice given on internet got nowhere. Then was told to seek professional help. 3 psychologist and 3 psychiatrist and over ten prescriptions later and I'm incredibly worse. I just got email from my psychologist saying she won't see me anymore. I just went for a 3 mile run hoping that would help but nope. Right now I want to cry but nothing is coming out. I'm popping xanax/klonzapam thinking about taking up drinking just looking for something to numb the pain.
Get help get help yet when you ****ing ask for help they just pass you along. I'm sick of people telling me it will be ok/to just keep going and can't give me a reason to do it. Tell me not to give up yet give up on me.
I really see no way out at this point I"m a ****ing loser. No one wants to even help me, who would want anything to do with me at this point. I"m so screwed up, if put in a situation which will never happen I'd just fail, if I didn't fail I'd mess it up some other way from being socially deprived since I'm so god damn desperate.
I told my psychologist I give myself 3 months to a year before I kill myself a few weeks ago, that number just got pushed up quite a bit today.