I understand you completely. I think I used to come off as clingy, but I've quickly changed that recently, to where I'm a bit more reserved around others. That only seems to make matters worse though, because the thoughts about what they might think of me increase tenfold. In addition to this, I come off as someone with not much of a personality, which makes it very hard to establish friendships. It's very hard to remain socially active/interesting when there's no guidelines to tell you if you're trying too hard or not enough to make an impact on someone.
This is me down to a T, i came out of a 5 year relationship about 12 month ago (mutually and quite happy we are still amazing friends (rare)
and 6 months ago got into another with a much more successful, mature older bloody stunning woman (not much older perhaps .. ive just turned 25 she's 28.. but much more mature)
Any way, my personality litrally dissapeared, i wouldnt dare say or act in certain ways around her for fear of her judgement (which mind you.. she did readily dish out) .. any way.. i seemed to fall for this girl immediately even though we agreed to 'nothing serious' 6 months later of on and off and intense emotional moments and ice cold periods on her part and my wanting to see her every moment of every day, thinking about her constantly etc.. she finally told me she couldnt handle just 'being friends'.. she needed space to 'get over me' etc and then she would be able to be my friend properly.. (that could sound worse right?)
Naturally i have all the classic break up problems but i have high anxiety and now acute stress and im taking 80mg beater blockers .. the problem is, even though our relationship wasnt all that good, i was hugely stressed and not myself 90% of the time and really quite unhappy, i idolised her and i am utterly devistated by losing her.
I wish i could controll how much i emotionally invest in someone.. right now i feel like its just too dangerous to get into any more relationships as this happened with the one before also. (luckily got 5 years and it naturally died out.. she apparently was hugely overwhelmed by my behaviour but deeply loved me.. and im aware i took advantage of her all be it unintentionally)
If im honest.. i have abandonment issues with my mother and no real support system/ connections family wise etc... i really feel like the effection i crave and dont get from my family, coupled with my feelings of being abandonned and lonely for many years now, have lead me to take what i need from girlfriends in an unhealthy way (reverse daddy issues maybe?) i put too much stock into feeding my need for effection.. and ultimately ruin the relationship by being needy and smothering... ?