I am finally
making some progress! My psychologist is my hero. He told me to disassociate myself from my sister. Basically disown her. She's very verbally abusive and can be physically abusive, so just being around her makes me feel super vulnerable. Then I try to socialize while I feel crazy vulnerable, and it just doesn't work. I spent about a week avoiding my sister at all costs. Only talking to her when completely necessary, leaving the room when she comes in... I was being civil, just not friendly.
And holy crap I felt so much better! After doing this I actually spontaneously
went outside in the rain. With no
makeup, no music, messy hair, clothes I just randomly grabbed without even thinking about, and splashed in puddles
! I only gave a momentary thought to what people might be thinking about me. It just went "I wonder if people are looking through that window... does it matter? I don't know who they are, I'm never going to meet them."
And then walking back to my house, completely soaked, hair and clothes all ruffled up, I said hi to someone before they even acknowledged I was there! It amazed me how if you do one thing, it gives you the confidence to do more and more.
This is the best I've felt in a LONG time!