Finding: Motherly love 'does breed confidence'

[Aussie Liz]

There was no love in my household at all, not between parents, not between parents and kids, not between kids. After my father died, my mother confirmed for me my belief that she had never wanted kids, and if she had to have them, she would prefer to have stopped after two (I'm number 3). One time when she said this, my younger sister was there, and complained, so Mum said, 'Oh, I'm pleased I've got you now.' When I said, 'What about me?' she changed the subject.
I once tried to engage my mother in a discussion about how my need for physical contact always got me tied up with the wrong blokes. She said, 'Yes, you're like me, you don't like being touched.' Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! What's the point???
But I guarantee that the whole family hatred thing - especially as it became more concentrated on me specifically after Dad died - has played a large part in my need for complete solitude (except for animals) now.

[PeachyAlice]

That explains a lot. I moved out at 17 because my mother was a horrible person unable to do anything but criticize me.

[Frunktubulus]

Interesting multinational study on parental influence on personality, found that as children, getting along poorly with one's mother correlated strongly with lack of confidence and whatnot, but as adults, the perceived quality of the relationship with one's father has a greater likelihood of predicting the same traits. The actual study's worth a read if you're interested in that kinda thing.
"The pain of rejection -- especially when it occurs over a period of time in childhood -- tends to linger into adulthood, making it more difficult for adults who were rejected as children to form secure and trusting relationships with their intimate partners."
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0612101338.htm

[blue the puppy]

i love my mom and know she loves me. however, when i was growing up i didnt feel loved. i felt she loved my brother, but not me. and i think that is the root cause of my problems today.

[MiMiK]

Originally Posted by Frunktubulus

Interesting multinational study on parental influence on personality, found that as children, getting along poorly with one's mother correlated strongly with lack of confidence and whatnot, but as adults, the perceived quality of the relationship with one's father has a greater likelihood of predicting the same traits. The actual study's worth a read if you're interested in that kinda thing.
"The pain of rejection -- especially when it occurs over a period of time in childhood -- tends to linger into adulthood, making it more difficult for adults who were rejected as children to form secure and trusting relationships with their intimate partners."
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0612101338.htm

thanks for the link, it was a good read

[Elixir]

Originally Posted by Frunktubulus

Interesting multinational study on parental influence on personality, found that as children, getting along poorly with one's mother correlated strongly with lack of confidence and whatnot, but as adults, the perceived quality of the relationship with one's father has a greater likelihood of predicting the same traits. The actual study's worth a read if you're interested in that kinda thing.
"The pain of rejection -- especially when it occurs over a period of time in childhood -- tends to linger into adulthood, making it more difficult for adults who were rejected as children to form secure and trusting relationships with their intimate partners."
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0612101338.htm

This study is very interesting. I am very grateful for the fact that I have a great dad with whom I am very close.

I cannot say the same for my mother, however. Physically she's here but emotionally and psychologically, she has never been there for me. She constantly criticizes me and doesn't understand what I'm going through. She doesn't know how to deal with kids and at times, even my father tells her so.

My brother also shares my opinion on this subject because she treats him in the same way. It's sad, and I think that it has affected my personality and state of mind in a somewhat negative way.

[Sloqx]

My mom would scream at me every single time I f*cked up when I was a kid, no matter how minor or major the situation was. I've always thought that was the root of my anxiety, so this study explains a lot. She tries to be nice to me nowadays, but I barely say 2 words to her. I still hold resentment for the way she treated me as a kid. Sometimes I feel bad for holding such a grudge, but I can't get over it. She damaged me.

[Moasim]

My mother was very loving of me, but she did have her outbursts though wich are quite funny thinking about them now

As a kid I was shy but I could be Very confident. I also had no clue WTF shame was. But in a way karma happend and I became what I am today. WOOT! =)

[Sierpinski]

Originally Posted by Amelia

Motherly love 'does breed confidence'

I wonder how that squares with this: http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/06/14/fathers-day/

[Hamster12]

My mother was jealous of me, she adored my sister, only problem was my sister had more fun with me. She showed a lot of contempt for my personality so I think I repressed the real me. My dad is incredibly insincere, he's like the neighbour in the Simpsons, what's his name? The religious one. He talks to me like I'm retarded. So I talk to him like he's retarded. Where is the love??

[jagmusic]

I believe this is probably independantly true, but obviously if your mother is loving to you and something else is causing you to become introverted, you probably wont be walking around care free and confident.

[ShadowHolly]

Yea, my parents didn't win any awards for love and affection growing up. Our house was always filled with yelling and anger.

So where is the research that tells us how to get over our ****ty parents?

[illmatic1]

this explains alot... my mom was very distant as a kid

[won]

Pretty much my whole family ignored and neglected me, but it hurt the most from my mom.
I feel like I've never really had a good mom in a way. Nowadays, I have a lot of problems with transference with older women...

Seriously though, some people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

[Sniper Wolf]

My mom passed away when I was 3...I guess thats why I'm like this

[flamingwind]

wonder what happened to me then, my mom was affectionate until I felt too embarrassed by it. My dad was always taking us to places ( me and my sister) until we didn't feel like it anymore. I seriously cannot blame my parents for my issues, they did their job.

[cheezitlover]

my parents loved me and totally supported everything I did in life and they still do, not their fault I'm like this, kinda sucks that I was born to be this way

[Anxious in AZ]

Originally Posted by mooncake

Same here.

Obviously having an affectionate parent doesn't necessarily set you up as a happy, confident person, but in my case I do think I would have benefited greatly from having a more emotionally caring mother. As it was, I was never really shown any affection or displays of love or support from her, and I think my self-esteem suffered a lot because of it. I'm grateful I had a roof over my head, of course, but the really important things - love, encouragement, interest, just weren't there. I was just left to bring myself up really.......

.

To this, I can relate. I do not recall any affection in my household as a kid, no kissing, hugging, holding, no ‘I love you’, NOTHING, but meanness. I realize now why I like those pictures of the celebrities that are always holding their babies even when they are 2 or 3 years old. Holding your child like that is normal behavior, not the abandonment the minute you leave the womb that my family showed. We were on our own the minute we could walk. I do not recall them ever showing any attention to any kids except my younger brother a little.

He seems to be the one with confidence, but also an attention hog to the max. It is exhausting to be around that type of person. They always have to be the center of attention or be in control of everything or everything must revolve around them and be about them. Your spouse could die and it is about them. You have to constantly have to hear about their trip for the entirety of the family 3 day get together, or they get drunk and have to be the focus of everyone’s attention, always. They are rude, interrupt, make plans and leave people out, nothing matters but them, others do not exist. My mother’s younger sister is also one of these, and to an extent both of my sisters.

I certainly feel like my parents did not care about or participate in my life. We walked to school as kids and on rainy days, most kid’s mothers would pick them up. I do not think that my mother ever did that or asked a neighbor to do it. WTF? They never asked us how our day was when we got home, to me the dinner table was a place to fear, not connect. They never asked about school unless it was a bad grade on a report card they did not like. They never once asked about school in between report cards. I remember in high school I dated the same guy off & on for 4 years, one time he finally said to me; “We have been dating for 4 years, why haven’t I ever met your parents”? All I could think of was that they did not care about my life or me.

I recall my Dad’s parents not being the affectionate type, but my grandmother spent a lot of time with me and not the other kids. My mother’s parent were total opposites, they doted on me, although not so much for the other kids. Did these Grandparents see something? There was always hostility in our home, someone always fighting and being very mean, although I do not recall participating in this as the tormentor. My parents allowed this to go on and they should not have.

In my family they are ‘perfect’ or know it all, they are never wrong. I have NEVER heard anyone in my family give an apology for their many rude or hurtful transgressions. However, the same people demand that you say please anytime you ask them to do something. Am I the only person that see something wrong with that? Isn't the ‘ask’ itself, enough asking, the please suggests that what you are asking is a hardship to them. So to ask “could you hand me that” is a terrible thing to say in their minds because you did not say please. Yet the same things that these people do to me are A-OK in their books and they would never consider apologizing even knowing they have done something to hurt you. It is now to the point I hate family gatherings, I always leave feeling as if I do not matter, so now I really just do not bother with them anymore. No one should put up with people that treat them like that. Is this why I have GAD or SA?

[aloof]

I think mothers prefer their more attractive offspring. They give more love to their more attractive kids. The attractive kids, by virtue of being attractive, become confident as they get older since they get a lot of positive attention.

Just an alternative theory.

[michijo]

I'm not sure I believe this. My mother wasn't that bad really. She liked to cook breakfast and stuff. However, she did drink heavily and was prone to crying fits. I would say however that she expressed love quite readily enough. Although she may account for my inability to take a woman's emotions seriously, as she was too maudlin to be believable.