Finding: Motherly love 'does breed confidence'

[BetaBoy90]

Originally Posted by nothing to fear

My mum and dad have always been very affectionate and loving toward me and my brother. Sometimes more than other parents, my friends would say that my mum was so great and it would surprise and confuse me when I would hear about how some their father's never told their kids (as they got older) that they love them.

So... I don't know what happened to me and why i turned out like this . When my SA and depression really kicked in I became extremely distant and couldn't even make eye contact with my parents, let alone reciprocate any affectionate or build an emotional bond. It has made me feel so awful to reject my parents like that, they don't deserve it, but I've been getting better and making an effort to respond more and even initiate hugs sometimes.




Also regarding the focus of mothers only, remember this study was started 30 years ago when social and psychological research studies would still probably contain a lot of stereotypes and generalizations (in this case, that mothers should be the caregivers and it's their job to show affection so from their perspective there wasn't much of a reason to include the fathers).

I feel pretty similar, my family life is VERY solid and easy going. We all get along well with eachother and respect eachother equally I feel. It's weird how that works, but I would assume that at least in my case genetics is a major factor for my mental problems. I wouldn't have much to blame my problems on if I looked at the negative experiences which have happened in my life.

[yourfavestoner]

I had the best mother imaginable. Didn't help me.

[Recipe For Disaster]

Originally Posted by Meli24R

Well my mother and I are very close. She's always been loving, supportive and affectionate. Despite this, I've always had high anxiety and felt like I couldn't/can't cope. I believe there's a genetic component to my anxiety. I'm a lot like my grandmother(whose gad and panic attacks have gotten so bad that she hardly leaves ever her house)

same here. i got lots of love from my mom as a kid but i was still an anxious sensitive child.

[thewall]

Well, this is definitely pertinent to me.

[iuseings]

Yea, that's called secure attachment. People with anxieties tend to have been insecurely attached to their mothers by either being resistent or avoidant. The poor attachment patterns are in response to mothering that tends to be emotionally detached &/or resentful.

[heroin]

I have little confidence and my mum is probably so 'loving' she is the most overprotective mother in the world.

[iuseings]

Originally Posted by heroin

I have little confidence and my mum is probably so 'loving' she is the most overprotective mother in the world.

That's not necessarily a good thing. The ways parents can raise a child to more likely have social anxiety is by being overprotective or over controlling.
It's not necessarily a loving way to be when the parent allows there own insecurities and self-interest take away focus from developing a child's sense of identity.

[Williams]

My mom was extremely depressed through most of my childhood and would often scream and yell at me and my siblings ... she gave us the impression that it was our fault that she was so miserable, that we didn't help around the house enough, or that we were too disobedient etc .. She'd often complain about it all to relatives. I remember my grandparents and aunts sometimes visiting and telling me that I needed to treat my mother better. I was younger than ten.

She eventually started taking antidepressants and things improved dramatically; it's interesting to see how well adjusted my younger brother and sister are who grew up mostly after she started taking them.

[Sadaiyappan]

You know in India they think my mom raised me by giving me too much "possum" which means affection and attention. It's funny because my relationship with my mom is nothing like that, and she didn't talk to me while growing up. I had to figure out a lot of stuff on my own. I think about it sometimes, thinking that if I have kids I should talk to them and tell them stuff that my parents should have told me. My mom mostly just "does her duty" which I think means cooking for me, providing for me, getting me married etc. But she doesn't have my best interests in mind, she just wants to finish doing "her duty". She doesn't have a relationship with my divorced brother (at least not the kind of relationships most people I know have with their moms) so I'm not sure what she is going to do after I get married. I am nicer to her than my brother is, my brother doesn't seem to want to help her in any way. But she still trusts him over me.

But about SA, I think my SA is mostly genetic, if my family had paid more attention to me I might have more confidence but I doubt I would be any less shy.

My mom didn't give me any "possum" while growing up, but she lets me do what I want when I want. And she usually buys me what I want.

And she's got money, so I put with some of her BS.

I was thinking about going to therapy in India, but some of the locals don't like me, and there is no point in trying to get over SA if the locals keep harassing me when I go places.

[tranquildream]

Originally Posted by Williams

My mom was extremely depressed through most of my childhood and would often scream and yell at me and my siblings ... she gave us the impression that it was our fault that she was so miserable, that we didn't help around the house enough, or that we were too disobedient etc .. She'd often complain about it all to relatives. I remember my grandparents and aunts sometimes visiting and telling me that I needed to treat my mother better. I was younger than ten.

She eventually started taking antidepressants and things improved dramatically; it's interesting to see how well adjusted my younger brother and sister are who grew up mostly after she started taking them.

My mom was just like that too. Eventually as I got older I started to act out against her because of it and I had a couple relatives tell me to treat my mother better as well. They just didn't see her at her worst and only saw the happy facade she put on when people came to visit. Unfortunately, my mom never took any medications and she's just as bad as back then... Glad I'm 10 hours away from home, but even distance isn't enough of a defense sometimes.

I think that loving parents would "breed confidence" in most cases. My mom never apologized for hurtful things she's said to me, never told me she loved me, and constantly expressed her disappointment and frustration with me. As a result, I've always suffered with low self-esteem and SA.

[Livvle]

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-st...r-1919250.html

^ "A difficult mother presents challenges that a difficult father or other relative does not. That's because, starting in the earliest days of life, a child's relationship with her or his mother is the foundation of a sense of self. Through maternal attachment, we begin to learn who we are and what we feel and to acquire the ability to interact with others. The process continues with a mother's ongoing capacity to acknowledge her developing child as a person with independent thoughts and feelings. "

I wrote 'to Mummy Dearest" on my mums mothers day card last year and she got reallly upset. Apparently it means you don't have a good relationship with them or something.

[deanna57]

My mother suffered with severe depression & SA her whole life.I didn't understand that growing up,I used to think she was so angry because of something that I did.When I got older I saw myself acting as she did & got myself to the psychiatrist real quick!She was a good Mom to me & I really miss her(She died 2yrs ago).

[sean88]

I grew up largely without my mom (and she was and still is emotionally distant), and I had a psychotic step mom. Hey, things are starting to make sense! lol

JK, I'm sure it's not that cut and dry, but pretty interesting.

[WintersTale]

I had a very open and understanding (and loving) mom...and yet I still developed SA.

Sometimes I believe it's more related to genes (jeans?) than anything.

[Sindelle]

I had a nightmare of a mother. She pretty much threw me and my siblings away like trash. My brother ans sister developed drug addictions, i developed anxiety and depression. I've had some very terrible abuse in my life.

She still abuses me verbally. Last time I saw her she told me she hated me and wished to never see me again. She's called me ugly stupid, a failure, a dissapointment etc. Also she never was affectionate at all. She wouldn't let any of the males in my family be affectionate either. Like she didn't want my brother and I hugging, or for me to sit in my dad's lap. She said it was just opening up for molestation. I still have issues with ANYONE touching me. I don't get hugged or anything by my family and when a stranger touches me it bothers me a lot.

[softshock11]

When my dad was around for the first 7 yrs of my life he used to pep me up and get me to be outgoing and it made me feel good about myself.

My brother was my moms favorite and she sort of neglected and ignored me a lot but I was the most clingy to her.

my SA could be from being neglected and feeling left out at home.

So i don't know if too much nurturing could be the common problem.

[gnomespunk]

This makes so much sense.

[Blujay13]

I believe that.

[eejm]

My mom can be very loving and nurturing but she can also be very judgemental. I was a very oversensitive child and she made me feel very bad about who I was and like I was not a survivor, and that I was selfish, etc. Our relationship is still very complicated but I love her and it has gotten better. I felt like my brother was looked on as the good child and I hated him for it, which got me more judgement and isolation from my family.

Do we have the same mother, sophieness07? I had a nearly identical experience growing up in my own family, including the brother who was everyone's favorite. I have a decent relationship with my family now, mostly on a superficial level, but I can't shake my lack of confidence in myself or a fear in taking risks knowing I'll face judgment from them.

[au Lait]

Originally Posted by eejm

Do we have the same mother, sophieness07? I had a nearly identical experience growing up in my own family, including the brother who was everyone's favorite. I have a decent relationship with my family now, mostly on a superficial level, but I can't shake my lack of confidence in myself or a fear in taking risks knowing I'll face judgment from them.

That's similar to how it is in my family too.

My brother was always the favorite, esp with my mother. My dad was/is verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom, and she would turn around and take it out on me and my sister. I've never really opened up to anyone about how bad she used to treat us when we were kids. When I was young, being home alone with her while my dad was at work was a nightmare.

She's mellowed out over the years but our relationship now feels very superficial. However, she still makes it obvious that my brother is far and away her favorite. She's said really messed up things to me about my sister, I can only imagine what she says about me behind my back..

I get jealous when I see other women out having lunch and shopping with their moms and doing other mother/daughter activities, because I've never had that.