Very unusual therapy session

[alex999]

So last Thurs. I went in to see my therapist for the first time in about 3 months. I've been with this therapist for about 3 years now. He usually is very nice and understanding, great therapist and I am usually comfortable talking to him about anything.

But this time was different - VERY different. The first think he asks, kind of rudely, was why I never saw him in the past 3 months. The reason was I was working and could not find time to do so. But it seemed like he had about had it with seeing me so much for 3 straight years, and never building much progress on overcoming my SA.

So he basically gives me a fatherly-like, scolding talk on how I need to "Get over it" and be more of a man and get out there and force myself into social situations, regardless of how I feel. I was taken back, to say the least, at the way he treated me.

As I said he is usually a very nice, understanding person who I can share anything with. But he says it's about time for him to stop the "Mr. Nice Guy" stuff and push me more. I really felt like yelling at him. I was really angry and depressed afterward.

So then he calls me about 3 hours afterward and leaves a message on my phone. He said he apologized he was in a cranky mood and he kind of just let it out on me.

I don't really know what to feel, it was a strange therapy session. He probably was just in a cranky mood and I forgive him for basically venting on me. But now, in a way I think he was right all along. In the past he was very nice, maybe too nice. I think I never really felt pressured to take major steps to overcoming my SA, since he was kind of a too nice, doormat-like guy.

But after this session, I now realize that the only way out of SA is to just face your fears. Setbacks may come, but they are a part of the process of overcoming SA. I think we just had a too lax attitude for the past 3 years.

[Sunshine009]

Well, he was out of line to yell at you at all. And its good he apologized for that. He could talk to you without being mean. He may of needed the money and missed it and then he only called you after the session for fear of losing you as a client. Because he did express that he had been holding back for a long time, as being Mr. Nice Guy, he shows he hasn't been really genuine with you and he truly doesn't perhaps know how to deal with your problem.

You were working also, and that's your business that should be respected. That is respectable, to work or to not have the money for therapy is also understandable.

In the Dr. Richard's tapes, the founder of the Social Anxiety Institute, he talks about how for years he tried to just "face his fears" and it only got worse! You can do the same thing every day for 20 years and still have a fear of it, Dr. Richard's says. He infers on the tapes that that is "behaviorial" - to take action - but if it is not done with the "cognitive" part of thinking in an appropiate way, before, during and after the events you can be still in the same situation. I took a class myself in college for public speaking and I ended up in worse shape after the class! I faced my fear but I did not have the proper mindset with it. Cognitive and behavioral go together. If one is missing then, the equation will not work. Also, Dr. Richard's says that the behavioral has to be done in smaller steps, where "success builds on success". You cannot build success on failure.
The class I took also had a bad teacher in my case. He was really mean to many people, degrading our myers-briggs personality types also, that many of us, like myself never heard of before. (That was before I knew about ratemyprofessor.com, which is somewhat helpful, to find good teachers, although they are not always listed there or accurate, or the ratings are suspiciously "padded" where the good ones look "phony".) In any case, the type of cogntive things that Dr. Richard's talks about are how to talk to yourself before, during, and after events. Although he does not designate time periods like I have here. You say things to yourself like - that to just do what you fear is an improvement after the event, that you didn't do horribly probably and not to exaggerate and say you did if you didn't, that you did okay if you did do okay, and okay is very very good really!, and if you occasionally don't do well you are only human, and you have a right to be imperfect, it is not a crime to feel uncomfortable also, if people sense your nervousness and don't like you for it - they are not people you would want to know anyway! but in most cases people do not sense your nervousness, to commend yourself after events for doing them and the improvements you have made, to not say ahead of time that you "hate" to do things for you will become anxious for saying that words, or words like "this sucks that I have to do this". Reframing how you see things accurately and soberly and honestly.

But you also have to start out with smaller social things, not big things. The therapist may have apologized for his outburst of how he said things but he probably did not apologize for what he said because he said he was holding back for a long time. You do not need to go out and do big things to think that in itself will make you overcome it. For many people, like Dr. Richard's says as he did it for many years himself, it can lead to a sense of real failure inside when you face things and they do not work out. You need the mentality with doing things, and doing things should be smaller things. Smaller things are things you have faith to do anyway.

I don't think your therapist knows how to address your problems. I have seen some and they didn't either. I had similar bad experiences.

[drealm]

I agree with Sunshine009. He was way out of line.

I don't care if you've gone there for 20 years or if it's your first session or if you're a complete loser with no progress. He's a professional who's gone through years of training and you're likely paying him a lot of money hourly. It's his job to shutup and listen even if that means hearing the same thing over and over again with no progress. Outbursts and unsympathetic behavior are expected from normal people, even family members. Not trained professionals specialized in this field who you're paying money. If you decide not to go to sessions for a while and he loses money, tough ****. It's not your responsibility to pay his salary if he's a freelancer therapist.

I also agree with Sunshine009 on how you can face your fears and get worst. I was given a lot of this "face your fears" advice when I was around 18 - 19. This resulted in me taking public speaking class, joining toast masters, joining a network marketing company ect. This didn't kill or reduce my anxiety. In many cases it inflamed it. The only thing I took away from this period was some skills on how to act better and cover up my anxiety better, it didn't kill off my anxiety.

[ostorozhno]

I agree 100% with everything Sunshine009 said.

[odd_one_out]

^ Seconded.

[alex999]

Thanks for the responses.

I have another appointment with him tomorrow. I don't really know what to expect but I am quite sure he won't act the way he did last time. He's not a bad psychologist. Overall I have really liked him. But strangely I am glad he finally lit it into me and gave me the cold hard facts. I am now really more focused and determined than ever to overcome SA. I think he just had a too lax attitude on me for the past 3 years, and now he finally wants me to step up and take some real strides. I don't really blame him for finally speaking up. I don't think I tried hard enough in the past to REALLY make an effort in overcoming SA.

[contranigma]

If it really was a tactic to motivate, that is more okay with me than if he just lost it, which is what it sounds like. You know your situation better than me and it is your business, but I would not hesitate to find a different therapist if I felt that they weren't quality.