It seems that not only I expect to be rejected in social situations, act like they already rejected me, and the fulfilled prophecy occurs, and in the end I'm indeed rejected, but...here is the shocking part... in my unconscious I make all possible efforts and want
to be rejected to confirm my story that I am a weirdo, freak, undesirable person etc, cause, as I said before, I have something to gain. It's a paradox, cause consciously I want to not
be rejected and I try to make serious efforts to be accepted.
And it seems that the gains earned from maintaining my 'nobody wants my company' story doesn't even have to be that great. Compared to what I would gain if I actually be able to make friends, a gf and hold a job, that would be way more bigger gains that my s*itty life story has given me so far.
I'm just pissed off that my life is currently governed by this retarded and inflexible entity called my unconscious. Therapist also told me that if I try to rationalize like I did above and ask logical questions, this entity will prove even more resistant. What I have to do is free speech, say whatever comes into my mind, then make the connections and see why I'm I want to be stuck in my story with the benefits. If I discovered them all that is. Theory now is that there may even be greater ones, hidden ones, hidden from my conscious view. That's what are we trying to work on now at the sessions.
In the master's degree program for becoming a therapist it is taught that with most disorders, people stay in them because they are getting some payoff for the behavior or they wouldn't do it. It is a generic teaching, and I don't totally agree with it, plus it has that convenient angle of the therapist being able to label the client resistant if their therapy doesn't immediately help (because the client must be clinging onto the disorder for some payoff).
Ask your therapist if she has successfully treated anxiety, specifically social anxiety in the past, and if so, how she went about that. Most therapists aren't trained in treating anxiety. It sounds to me like if this idea that you are staying anxious for the payoff is her sole way of treating you then get a new therapist and screen better this time! Ask how they intend to treat social anxiety and make sure they are kind and empathic. Did your current therapist even try to understand and empathize with you?
Thanks for the advice. Well she told me it wouldn't immediately help, but I should start feeling results in half a year-a year, and the whole therapy may even take 2-5 years, if not more. She told me she had other patients with social phobia, but I'm her most severe case in all her carrier of ~20 years. She said the results are permanent, and I will not have a rebound, like I had with CBT or exposure therapy.
She told me it's hard for her to imagine the anxiety I feel in social situations cause she doesn't experience it herself, but it seems she is trying to make efforts and be emphatic. At the same time, she seems a little reserved and cold, but that may be cause she is an introvert ? I dunno, I kinda suck at reading people, I have Asperger's. I started this therapy in July, I'm willing to stay for 1 year, if I don't see at least some results the next summer (lower social anxiety), I'll switch to someone else.